Not a good question about sex

Hi John MC.

Sorry, I don't have a good question, but I don't have any permanent resolution on my problems either. (see my history, you'll remember) My dear husband and I have had moments when I thought it would get better, but it still feels like our sex lives are becoming more and more separate and a-sexual, i.e. we're great roommates who spank the monkey. :(

I have tried so many things on my own to 'fix' our issues that I have come to the conclusion that I have no power to affect it! At least not alone. I've talked to him, taken different approaches, let him come to me, come on to him, no matter what, he seems to be in the mode where he overthinks everything and doesn't even try anymore. When we have conversations about why we rarely have sex, he always seems to be waiting on me to do something, fix it, come on to him, I don't know. I always tell him that I had no idea he wanted to have sex, yet when I try to take action, I get turned down. It's hard to get him to talk about what's going on with him (although he will listen). Conclusions to talking really end with him saying he wanted to have sex. I say how would I know? He doesn't act interested. This has been going on most of the time for years. It's so sad. I know he spank the monkeys, sometimes I have a good idea of when he spank the monkeys, but he doesn't come to me with his lust.

I sometimes have to remind myself of the men who have shown interest in me and some men from my past to remind me that I actually am a sexually attractive woman. I've kept my weight steady, I work out, people appraise my looks highly for being mid-thirties now but I don't feel "sexy" almost ever anymore, and if I do, it is not within the context of my married bed.

Last night I had my first dream where I cheated. I worry that if he goes out to sea again (he's in the Navy), our separated sexuality and these unfixed problems combined with separation may end up in infidelity. At least I have the option not to put myself in bad situations, but he ends up in places like Thailand where he's literally surrounded by whores trying to get his business. How long can a man stifle his sexuality like this? Or how long can I? I won't lie and say I'm not at risk, although infidelity is the last thing I want and I always believed I was strong enough to be faithful. As it stands now, it really seems like this is becoming a lifestyle and sex will be something fun and at times magical and wonderful that I remember from my 20's. Yes, I'd take the love of our relationship over sex, but that doesn't seem like the right ansewr and some of this stuff really hurts me. I read all over the place that it's common for couples to have sex 2x weekly. I would settle for 2x monthly...

I cried writing this. I really do feel stuck, and the dream was the type where I could feel the passion in the dream. Ah, to feel the moment of passion, but in the context of cheating? Not good. :'-(
Tweet