Re: Boundaries

"No one means more to me than her and if he does any of that, I will make him regret the day he was born." 

Okay...stop right there.  YOU should mean more to you than anyone else.  Not in a "selfish" way, but in a spiritual and emotional sense.  You and mutual friends can clearly see this train wreck coming from way down the tracks.  When this shit does hit the proverbial fan, if you are still in this mind-frame, you will make her issues into your issues, and that is one of the ugly and far-reaching aspects of how these people leave a vast wake of damage.  You will be counted as collateral damage if you keep focusing on helping this gal and/or making this bad fellow "regret the day he was born."  By taking on another person's issues as our own, we effectively remove the ability for them to learn the consequences of their own choices, regardless of how terrible the consequences might be.  We cannot live for others.  We don't have that power, and it's counterproductive to pretend that we do. 

Checking up on her, checking up on him, looking into his activities, focusing on what is happening in this ill-fated relationship is taking up WAY too much time that you could be spending upon building a strong and wise Self.  "Self" is that part of you which makes you unique in all the world.  Distancing one's Self from a harmful situation means just that:  distance from EVERY aspect, including constant checking of social networking sites and discussion among mutual friends about her situation.  None of these activities are productive for you, mutual friends, or for the victim.  It only breeds more rumor, more supposition, more angst, and more erroneous need to intervene.  You cannot help her.  You cannot save her.  And, there is nothing that you (or, anyone else) can do to stop this train from wrecking.

Boundaries not only apply to other people, but to our own choices and actions.  For instance, I must literally force myself to maintain a strict personal boundary that I will not make any personal disclosures to new acquaintances.  I will not risk giving a potential user any personal information about my past issues for them to use at a later date.  I must maintain a personal boundary to NOT give into the impulse to "check up" on individuals with whom I've had a negative experience.  What they're doing is not my business, and this is a very strong impulse to manage.  I must also place a boundary on my emotional triggers - I cannot allow myself to react to everything that touches my past emotional, physical, or spiritual experiences.  This is where you may want to consider working on YOU - your Self.  I would gently suggest that you spend this energy on you.  Begin looking beyond this one person whom you do not have the power to save or help.  Look into different methods of managing you, emotionally as well as spiritually.  And, when I say "spiritual" work, I mean finding and nurturing your Self - NOT organized religious doctrines. 

Yes, it's terrible to watch someone that we care about making very stupid choices, but we are not responsible for their choices or the consequences of those stupid choices.  Hence, the desire to make this guy "regret" anything is only feeding this focus on saving your friend.  If he harms her, the responsibility lies upon his deliberate actions, and she will have to take ownership of her decision to be with this bad guy, or not.  Being an a**ho** isn't against the law.  And, there is no law against making stupid decisions. 

Put your emotional and spiritual growth first, Crucified4NoSins.  You can't stop this train wreck.  But, you sure have the power to cultivate and maintain a strong, wise, and healthy Self. :)

Best wishes to you!