Re: my difficult child. Please offer some insight

My daughter, who will be 12 in 4 days, is a strong willed child. Even as a toddler, she would fight me over who was in charge. I remember once, trying to get her to take a bath one night and she wouldn't get undressed. There she is standing in her socks, t-shirt and underwear working up to a doozy of a tantrum because she did not want to take a bath. I had the bath all ready waiting for her. I was already frustrated and at the end of my rope. I picked her up and put her in the tub, still in her socks, underwear and t-shirt. It shocked her so much it stopped the tantrum. I was able to get her out of her soggy clothes and she was happy as a clam in the tub and the bath continued without incident.

This is just an example of her strong will. If she was able to have choices to give her a chance to have a say in things like: You can wear this outfit or that, would you like juice or water, etc.

She had an awful time in 1st grade because her teacher was a "take no prisoners" type. My daughter butted heads with her ALL the time. For example: On the first day of school she was asked to write on unlined paper. Well, she had already been writing on lined paper in since last year in kindergarten (her old classroom was across the hall). She asked for lined paper, the teacher told her no. Then later that week, she was told to read a book and write what she liked about it. The teacher chose the book, it was about dinosaurs. My daughter (already reading early chapter books over the summer) wanted to pick another book, which should not have been a problem since the teacher had tubs of books ALL over the classroom organized by reading level). The teacher said no. My daughter did not complete the writing assignment because she didn't like the book and so she felt she couldn't complete the assignment. I heard about this on the very first parent/teacher conference. It was NOT a good year for my daughter. I should have taken her out of that class right then. I ended up pulling her out of school 4 weeks early because she was getting into trouble daily.

Strong willed kids need the right kind of teachers. My daughter's kindergarten teacher recognized this and channeled this positively-- she made my daughter her special assistant. She thrived. Her first grade teacher was constantly battling with her.

We've spent the last few years working on manners. She was (and probably still is) of the opinion that manners were stupid. Why should she sit up straight at meals? Why should she say please and thank-you? It went on and on. We kept reinforcing that we required she use manners and a well mannered person is thought well of and generally welcome everywhere. It's been a struggle, but she is making progress.

If you can make a game out of the whole manners thing at dinner time, it might help. I read somewhere where a family had a game they played at the dinner table where one person would display bad manners (elbows on the table for example) and the rest would have to figure the infraction out. One father would resort to superfluous and flowery formal request to his children if one forgot manners-- eg.. My dearest and most gracious daughter I would be ever so grateful to the ends of my days if I heard the word "please" from your sweet lips when you ask for the salt. It always elicited giggles and the children got the point.

A book I've found really helpful is: Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries by Robert J. MacKenzie Ed.D.

It's helpful to understand that strong willed children are WIRED to test limits. This author is the first I've read that actually states this. He then gives very helpful pointers on how to parent such children. Strong willed kids are natural born leaders. Remember this when she's driving you crazy with demands.

Making sure she gets enough sleep is crucial too. A five year old needs between 10 1/2 to 11 hours sleep at night. My daughter a lot more even tempered and compliant when she's rested. She still needs about 10 to 10 1/2 hrs sleep. When she's sleep deprived, she's grumpy and can be a terror. Now that she's a tween, we've got the whole puberty - hormone thing going on too. A tween PMSing AND sleep deprived ain't NO FUN for anyone!!! We discovered long ago, that chocolate will wire her. We have a strict no-chocolate policy after 3pm, otherwise she has a hard time getting to sleep at night.

Looking at labels and trying to reduce or eliminate msg, high fructose corn syrup, artificial colors and sweetners and keeping a log of how much sleep she got the night before and what she ate and how her behavior was at school might uncover a food or chemical sensitivity. Eggs, wheat and peanuts are ones that can cause behavior issues if she is sensitive to them.

Take her basal temp in the morning before she gets up (under the arm). If it's below 97.8 in the morning, get her thyroid evaluated. Hypo kids can have behavior problems.


iolite
Tweet