my difficult child. Please offer some insight

hello everyone,

I am 28 and I have a 5 year old daughter. I am also 5 months pregnant with my second.
I am worried about the situation with my daughter. She is a quite difficult child.
At preschool, she is often rude with other children. She grabs, throw things, pushes other people away showing little consideration for other kids , which obviously results in them shunning her and not wanting to play with her when she then asks to.I think it is mostly unintentional: her mind is so busy with her thoughts that she does not stop thinking about consequences before acting rudely.
She does not easily speak her mind to the teacher so she is often misunderstood, she is likely to start a battle before trying to find a solution when something goes the wrong way. For these many reasons she does not like going at preschool.
I feel she has to go though, because next year she will be 6 and she will attend a REAL school so she has to get used to the routine of waking up and getting ready to go in the morning with no fuss.
And here comes the problem at home. She is mostly whiny, unpredictable, defiant. With me, she is also physically aggressive. She resents me each and every time I say no to as request. Let's say she wants a cookie at dinnertime and I say no; she will likely climb a chair in the attempt to get it anyway. If stopped, she will likely hit, insult me, throw things at me. if I stay calm and do not get angry ( which leads to escalation of her negative behavior) things usually work out quickly, but affirming my authority with facts (rather than using harsh words, punishments, or preaching) does not seem to prevent the behavior from happening again.
I cannot use time outs because she won't comlyy, I should lock her in her room which would be too much for me and she would likely rage and destroy everything.
I do not routinely use punishments because they seem to worsen both her behavioral issues and the quality of our relationship which i want to be one of love and mutual trust.
I only use logical consequences , which are never imparted with anger or blame.

I know it may sound unbelievable, but she also has a very nice side, she can be helpful and joyful when i can manage to enlist her cooperation without her feeling controlled( which she hates). I LOVE HER so much, I can do very well with her most of the times and I know how to manage her tantrums, sometimes I even appreciate her stubbornness...the matter is that other people keep me telling me it is wrong, i should be more firm or she will never adapt to her peers and to school. And i know her rudeness is a real issue of hers who also keeps her from having many friends ( she has a few) .

Today, the teacher at preschool took me aside to discuss this problem and how will I manage with the newborn, how will we cope with school next year, and more. I felt sofrustrated... i even shed a few tears. Everyone keeps telling I am doing it wrong but this is the only way I found to be working with her and I don't know how and what to change exactly.

Will my daughter benefit from homeschooling? Should I keep her from shool until 7 ( one more year at preschool?)

Jealousy with the newborn will likely be a problem too, indeed my DD is already jealous when I talk with other people in her presence, sometimes she is even jealous of her dad. Tweet