I Do Not Love Myself....

Wings' post hit home more than anything has ever hit home to me before. I have reread that post several times and see the harsh truth in it and the reality that lies within it for me.

"But if you don't love yourself, you'll quit. It's too intense. There will be "something" that stops you."

I began the IP for many reasons. At the core of it, I feel like I am dying. I certainly am not living. I feel like there is a wonderful person still inside of me and I want to see her/be her again, but I know I am sick and need healing before that can happen.

In the past week or so, I have had several social invitations which included three birthday celebrations, a campfire, weekly softball game which entails hanging out afterward with beer and food, etc etc. I caved and I caved and I caved. I did not say no to one of the invitations. I wanted to say no to all of them and stay home and focus on myself, but I could not allow myself to disappoint anyone by not attending. I could not say that I needed time for myself, that I would have to get together with them later. NOPE! I wasn't important enough...I didn't love myself enough to say no one time. I was nice to the people who weren't supportive of my juice fast even though I thought they were selfish @ssholes. I put their food on my plate and I ate it partly because I wanted it and partly because they wanted me to. How do you hand a plate to someone and say "Your juice fast is over"??? Regardless, I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself. I wasn't strong enough not to eat the food. I chose them over me. I loved them more than myself. I set myself back. It is my dream to be healthy again. I want to fully live, yet I take great strides to help make that happen only to sabotage myself....WTF is that?!

I come from a long line of caretakers, myself included. It is not a healthy trait if you let it consume you. It sucks the love for yourself out of you. Why won't I do for myself what I would do for others? How do you learn to do that? Do you hit bottom like a drug addict? Speaking of drug addicts, my mother is one. She is a crackhead in addition to popping pills. I watch her kill herself and I a dumbfounded by how someone could do that to themselves. I can see that she never learned to love herself and she is a lost soul. If I take a cold hard look at it, I am that same person. The one who does not know how to love herself to put herself first. How to start loving yourself and putting your self first, is something I don't know to do.


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