Re: If given a 2nd chance, could this relationship be healthy?

You're welcome!

I, too, am the oldest of 3 (and the only daughter). While my brothers were subject to my mother's abuse, I seemed to bear the brunt of it. In the end, we were all negatively affected by it. Even the brother who was her favorite, harbors much anger for what happened to us as kids. Today, he is one of the "walking wounded"---in other words, depressed but functioning on a day-to-day basis.

Where do you draw the line as to when the relationship takes too much work? Honestly, I think each relationship is different as well as each person has a different threshhold. Some things are obvious signs that it's time to give up, IMO --- 1) If your spouse is a serial cheater; 2) Is addicted and won't get help; 3) Is abusive --- be it verbally, emotionally or physically abusive. If it is verbal and/or emotional abuse, I think (depending on the abuser), things can improve with marriage counseling. If the person refuses to change his/her ways, then it's not worth putting up with that kind of treatment. With physical abuse, I think the first time it happens you should run for your life; 4) Is mentally ill and refuses to get help. However, if a person is mentally ill and does get help, it is worth the extra work. I once had a co-worker whose husband was depressed and tried to kill himself twice. After the first time, he was put on medication but it didn't help. When it happened the second time, he was hospitalized in a mental hospital for 6 weeks, put on different medication, and regularly saw a therapist. Obviously, things weren't easy for the co-worker but she told me that she was in it for life and wasn't going to cut and run. Of course, her husband had to hold up his end of the bargain and get help.

Of course no relationship is perfect. I like to quote something I saw once on Dr. Phil. He was talking to a couple who were married for 50 years. He asked them what their secret was, the answer---"We never fell out of love at the same time." So, you see, all marriages ebb and flow. You have your arguments and disagreements. Sometimes, one person gives in to another on certain issues. And, yes, sometimes, you can drive each other nuts. I know that sometimes my husband drives me nuts (he can be stubborn LOL) and I know I sometimes drive him nuts (he thinks that sometimes I worry about money too much). However, these are all things that can be dealt with and things one can live with.

Also, it helps to have interests that are different from your spouse's. For example, he is really into philosophy (I'm not) so I'm always encouraging him to go to lectures or audit a course (he has yet to do so but I want him to know that I wouldn't try to stop him from doing so). He does the same for me when it comes to my interests.

So...when you meet someone you're attracted to, just take it slowly and get to know him. Find out if you share the same values, for instance. While I have known people who had whirlwind courtships then married and the marriages worked out. (One friend has been married 40 years and she and her husband decided to get married after knowing each other 3 weeks!). I also have a friend who had a whirlwind courtship that ended badly. After knowing this guy for 2 weeks, she decided to move several states away with him so he could be near his family. He then took a job working overseas and while there dumped her. In the meantime, when she moved in with him, she found out about some of his quirks that suprised her and troubled her---he was a pack rat and also was very poor when it came to communicating. So, despite the friend whose marriage is still going 40 years later, I come down on the side of taking things slowly and getting to really know someone before marrying.

Good luck and once again, bravo for taking the time to work on your issues! Tweet