Hi, it looks like you are going through a lot. God is always there and sometimes guilt keeps us from becoming close to god. I remember when I was struggling in life and when I got to know Jesus everything changed and life was good. But last year I kind of slipped into bad habits like drinking and wanting to smoke. When ever I did something wrong I would feel guilty and slowly the connection I had with god was fading away. But now I am connecting with god again, I realized that praying is great and when you include fasting you become spiritually strong. It is lent, where all Christians fast for 40days, they give up meat, or food. Maybe if you are looking to be free of bondage and get closer to god fasting and prayer is the key. Also when you do spiritual fasting god will give you revelations that may change your life forever and it will help you to do some soul searching. Fasting and prayer will give you the breakthrough you need in life. I am saying this based on experience and it works.