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Hi 88426, I'm so sorry that you are going through such a hard time.  In your our last paragraph you answer your very own question.  You seem to be heavily depending on your "feelings" in order to ascertain your position with God, say nothing of wondering if you've done enough to 'earn' salvation or keep it.  All of these speculations are the opposite of faith and absolute dependence on God's ability to hold on to you.

Many of us had intense experiences when we had that first encounter with the living God, while others have not had anything that dramatic happen to them at all.  Whichever way it goes, as nice as it is,  intense experiences really don't  matter, what matters is what the Word of God says about it, which is that when you call upon his name, repent of your wrongdoings and open up your heart, He will come to you.  God doesn't change His mind and you don't lose your eternal destiny with Him lest you choose to toss it out.

Everything in the Kingdom of God operates by faith; you are saved by faith and  you receive by faith.  It is these foundational principles that you need to understand, so that regardless of how you are feeling or what you are thinking, you place your trust in what you know intellectually, not by your constantly shifting emotions, experiences and sensations.  Listen kiddo, we all have bad days, believe me, so we really need to have that 'ole eternal assurance in order to help us across this journey.

As I look into your posting history, I see that you've been experiencing some really rough times, but you should at least derive some peace in the knowledge that since at one point you invited God into your being with all of your heart, there is no way He would turn you away, and if He came to you then, there is no way He will ever leave you.  What you experienced was a very real, genuine salvation experience and what is generally referred to as 'the first love'.  That kind of experience usually fades away with the cares of the world, which is why we are charged in Scripture to return to our first love.   What you describe now seems to be the effect of spiritual oppression, making you question your salvation.  This is where knowing the truth will set you free.  The truth is that even if you had not been saved back then and that was just some sort of crazy counterfeit experience, the fact that you are so concerned about it now would be enough to draw God to you....ha ha, either way you win!!...don't you see?  :-)

As far as the baptism in the Holy Spirit, again, this is the most rewarding and fulfilling experience within a life of faith.  But if you are under the thumb of oppressions, then you need ministry as the infilling alone which is mainly about service, is not what will set you free.

Two suggestions for you: 1) get into some real deep study of the Word, specifically on your position in Christ, and 2) contact a deliverance ministry that can help you sort out the spiritual, physical and emotional aspects in your life.

Hope this helps you .  Feel free to keep us posted and let us know if we can be of further help.

www.ministeringdeliverance.com/