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Was it rape? A boy the victim and the girl the rapist?
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Published: 12 years ago

Was it rape? A boy the victim and the girl the rapist?

This has a little twist, because I'm a small girl, about 5'2 and he has a little muscular build and is 6 ft. I know it's a little unusual to think a small girl can overtake a big guy, but I can't help but feel I raped my boyfriend a year ago.

I should let you know that I had a history of sexual abuse with close friends and family members. The reason for me saying this is because I was wondering if there was a connection between my history of sexual abuse and the "rape". I read somewhere that people who were sexually abused when they were younger tend to grow up to be sexual abusers themselves.

I'd also like to add that my boyfriend is a pretty sensitive guy despite his size. He has never laid a finger on anyone or used his strength to overpower weaker people. I guess you can say he's a gentle giant. He detests hurting me in anyway, no matter how small. That may be the reason why I was able to overtake him.

I slept over my boyfriend's house one night and both of us were a little drunk. I wanted to have sex, but he didn't because he was tired. I ignored him, then proceeded to climb on top of him. He tried to push me off, telling me he just wanted to sleep and he wasn't in the mood. I used all my weight to pin him down, though I'm not sure how, considering he's a lot bigger and stronger than me. He got really pissed off, telling me to get off of him and let him sleep. Instead, I started doing things to arouse him, like kissing his neck and playing with yourself, spanking the monkey him.

He got really frustrated and was able to push me off. I sat at the end of the bed, making him feel guilty by saying, "Am I ugly right now? Do you not like me anymore?" He automatically felt bad for me and told me that he loved me and everything but just wanted to sleep. I climbed on top of him again. This time I really had to wrestle him because he started fighting back. I somehow got his pants off and forced him to penetrate me by sitting on him. I teased, "If you don't want to do it, then when are you so hard?" He responded angrily, "Just because you got me aroused doesn't mean I want to! That's just how guys' bodies respond to being touched like that! I'm serious, I don't want to do this, I just want to sleep!"

He pushed me off again and tried to wrap himself in a blanket to prevent me from doing anything, but I ripped it off, climbed on him, and forced him to penetrate me again. I even pinned his wrists down to the bed, though it was very difficult. I tried to keep him aroused by using my tongue, lips, and hands while having sex with him. He finally gave up fighting and lay still until I was finished. After I was done, he put his clothes back on and transferred to another bed without a word. That whole weekend after, he was very moody with me.

I know it's a strange story and some of you may think "that's not rape, big guys can't be raped by small girls!" but think about it... what if it was the other way around? The impact would definitely be felt by that story if I was the victim. Society has made us believe that guys are always stronger and can never be the weak victims of sexual assault, but I don't see how this is any different if I were the one being pinned down, aroused against my will, and forced to have sex. The reality is I forced him to have sex and he was emotionally affected by it. Of course, we made up and everything is fine now, but I still can't shake off the feeling that I actually raped my boyfriend. I feel really horrible about it... especially since I really look down on sexual abusers or get angered when I hear about young girls getting sexually abused and raped. I myself am a victim, and still resent my friends and grandfather who molested me. That's why I'm so upset about what I did to my boyfriend; I feel like that made me no different than my abusers.

What are your thoughts on that? I would like to hear opinions, but please don't be rude or obnoxious about it. This is a serious matter that not many people take into consideration or take seriously.

I especially would like to hear the opinions of men, particularly those who may have gone through something similar. I'm wondering if a situation like this could ever make it feel like "rape" for you and if you would ever feel violated instead of aroused, even by someone attractive.

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