Re: Am I a freak? (Long story, please bear with me!)

You are welcome. To be honest, reading your posts I feel like I am reading my own diary when I was younger. :)

The story about that raped girl is really disturbing, and to make it even more unreal it all happened in one of the better cities in an affluent neighborhood.

"I'm always inclined to be positive about human nature until proven otherwise"

This line struck me as I remember having a discussion with a good friend of mine when I was a little younger then you, and he claimed that ultimately all people were bad, with some managing to raise their level of awereness somewhat, while I argued that everyone was essentially good, and some just "failed a little". I somehow couldn't agree with him, especially because his statement was emotionaly charged with deep seated feeling of contempt for human race.

Today, I would find it easier to agree with him, although we would disagree on "hows" and "whys" (I am not a cynic like him). At some point you may get interested in many things "human" and if you are persistent enough and preserve your independence of thought, you will gain two things from it: one is that you will feel a lot more comfortable being different (and certainly a lot happier and less confused), and the other is - you will not be guided by misplaced optimism about humans. Bottom line is: those qualities that we consider "human" are not necessarily parts of other people's value systems. When inspected closely, most people's actions are based on values which are closer to animals then angels (I am looking at humans from the perspective of the saying that "humans are beings somewhere between angels and animals", to which I add - equally capable of turning into either). Animals are guided by insticts of survival and fear, and unrestricted (physical) urges. Humans, one would hope, should be guided by rational thoughts rather then insticts, and should value truth, honesty, integrity, real Love, and God (in the most positive and non-religious sense) above everything else. And while most will say they do so, their actions speak otherwise: they are guided by envy, arrogance, greed and lowly urges (sex, food, power). In translation, humans are guided by the same values that guide animals. So, humans are mostly animals by their own choice (although, lately, some are hard at work to make that process of reducing humans to levels of animals fairly automatic, with chances of free choice reduced to almost zero). Very few humans manage to raise themselves above that especially when faced with the ultimate challenge: conform to the world to survive (physically), or go your own way and risk everything (except your freedom).

So far you are making good choices; later in life challenges come and they increase in their intensity and they are there for a reason: they test your ability to raise your consciousness even further above that of animals and closer to that of "angels".

The more you understand the world we are in, and the more you get to know yourself, the happier you will be. It is always that same choice: be like everyone else and be just as miserable (although they don't even know they are miserable), or be yourself, take the "road less travelled" (not a bad book btw) and see that it goes MUCH farther then anticipated.

Generally, I never took advice from anyone, but one advice that I should've listened to more closely was "don't trust anyone". Sounded too cynical... but it was right. Do not trust anyone. Trust only what you yourself find out, and what you confirmed through careful observation. In that sense, you can't really trust yourself either until you get to know yourself which is a lengthy process. "Nosce te ipsum". But that process may take you to a level where you can recieve knowledge from "above" which some people (usually refered to as "psychics") have achieved. Usually it starts with dreams, so ask that you have dreams and that you remember them.

BTW, many people who want to be good and do good are misguided about what is "good". Ultimate "good" is not about being nice and permissive. It is more like "Love". And Love often means saying "NO", being uncooperative, unsuportive, but being correct. By going to that guy's house you were cooperating in his moral crime against you, so you were an "accessory". It may not seem like it- but it was a "crime" against yourself. Love in the first place starts with yourself: correct personal dignity in relationship with others, careful choice of words, careful observation, never putting yourself below someone else (not even your parents), and working on your own moral development. Learning to say "No" and not feeling guilty for it, is an important requirement in today's world. Once a person manages all that, they can turn to the world and apply that Love. In words of one famous businessman: "Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying 'No!' until your tongue starts bleeding." :)

An advice I wish I was given when your age: even though I was reading many books on psychology (mostly those which are not studied in schools), I only came across author Eric Berne recently. I recommend highly getting familiar with not only his work, but works of those who took his ideas further. None of it is perfect, but combined with some observation and introspection may help you in future relationships. (do not be misled into beleiving that you undestand it all once you read all about TA; it is only a tool to help in observation of yourself and others, not a final word on anything).

Here's another saying you may like: "Those who like everyone have no taste, and those who are liked by everyone have no character" :) Tweet