Re: i'm evil

It sounds like you are in a toxic environment
and that like listening to a tape recording
tell you over and over that you are worthless,
you believe this. This does not mean that it
is the truth. It does suggest it is time to
move away from that situation though. Even if
it only means going to get counseling so someone
can help talk you out of the corner you sort
of have painted yourself into.

It is possible also, to erase the tape that
you have looping in your mind instead of going
over it again and again. Just decide to give
yourself these choices. This will entail giving
yourself the chance to learn to love yourself
and to allow your sense of worth to grow and to
blossom. Do not expect others to nurture you
if you do not consider yourself worthy of love
and care. There is always hope though, so reach
out for it and yourself and use it to light
your way out of the darkness you seem to be
living in.

I once met a man who felt the way you do.
Everyone agreed his mother was a monster for
treating him the way she did and for projecting
her misery on him. He bought into it and had
secluded himself. We did some bartering and for
his part of the bargain, I did massage work on
him for many months. He was starved of "touch".
He would weep on the table and in the silence
we shared together, it was safe and he was able
to process his pain and release it. He awakened
to a life he had given up hopes of ever realizing.
He went back to school and learned that he was
a good person, who had something to offer others
and who could benefit from interacting with others.

Likewise, you seem to need and crave the love
that your sweetheart has to offer, but in a way
which is often typical, you are pushing it away
and stomping out any flicker of hope which you
see since the suffering you have now is predictable
and the pain of the unknown is so great that you
are in fear of the changes you know will come
when you make the choices you want to make.

Do not be afraid to release the pain you are
experiencing now for the chance to experience
love in your life. Your parents drama and story
are theirs. You have a story waiting to be lived.
Go for it....

blessings,
Zoe

-_-