I know many will disagree, but I must say you sound to be suffering from depression. Some people have less or zero seratonin(the chemical that makes you feel good) running around their brains than the normal amount, which MAY explain your dad's issues and alcoholism.

The questions you pose are extremely complicated, getting right to the essence of life. But you can't make good decisions while under the influence of apparently life-long depression.

Again, others may disagree, but I would suggest you either have your brain chemistry tested, or just assume it's short on seratonin and try taking natural seratonin like "5-htp" and/or "l-tryptophan" from health food stores. If you do have a deficiency, it will change your life!

I stopped believing psychology is the be-all, end-all of human suffering. More is biological than we used to know about. Good luck.

It sounds like you are in a toxic environment
and that like listening to a tape recording
tell you over and over that you are worthless,
you believe this. This does not mean that it
is the truth. It does suggest it is time to
move away from that situation though. Even if
it only means going to get counseling so someone
can help talk you out of the corner you sort
of have painted yourself into.

It is possible also, to erase the tape that
you have looping in your mind instead of going
over it again and again. Just decide to give
yourself these choices. This will entail giving
yourself the chance to learn to love yourself
and to allow your sense of worth to grow and to
blossom. Do not expect others to nurture you
if you do not consider yourself worthy of love
and care. There is always hope though, so reach
out for it and yourself and use it to light
your way out of the darkness you seem to be
living in.

I once met a man who felt the way you do.
Everyone agreed his mother was a monster for
treating him the way she did and for projecting
her misery on him. He bought into it and had
secluded himself. We did some bartering and for
his part of the bargain, I did massage work on
him for many months. He was starved of "touch".
He would weep on the table and in the silence
we shared together, it was safe and he was able
to process his pain and release it. He awakened
to a life he had given up hopes of ever realizing.
He went back to school and learned that he was
a good person, who had something to offer others
and who could benefit from interacting with others.

Likewise, you seem to need and crave the love
that your sweetheart has to offer, but in a way
which is often typical, you are pushing it away
and stomping out any flicker of hope which you
see since the suffering you have now is predictable
and the pain of the unknown is so great that you
are in fear of the changes you know will come
when you make the choices you want to make.

Do not be afraid to release the pain you are
experiencing now for the chance to experience
love in your life. Your parents drama and story
are theirs. You have a story waiting to be lived.
Go for it....

blessings,
Zoe

-_-

Hey beautiful people
thanks for your wise responds.

reading the posts there are two things that occurs to me,

1. i don't wish to wallow in selfpity, i'm happy for what life has brought me, for it has made me understand stuff.
2. i cringe at the thought of someone knowing me reading the post, and saying "IT'S TRUE, YOU ARE A MONSTER"

If i were to take tryptophan, and be good to my liver, maybe my thoughts regarding having little love would disperse.
I will look around and see what i find here.

If someone came along to knead all my supposed tears out of my tissue, would i even let them? I don't wish to play the needy patient. How do i even adress this issue of being loveless, without descending into the trip of being the evil one? i considered canceling the initial post, not to delve on negativity. But in my life i have found out that what upsets you can sometimes be resolved by accepting and relaxing.

My sweetheart loved me to pieces, she thought my rigidity would melt away with her love. So i guess i did not do my part. You and your friend really did some marvelous healing Zoebess.

When posting this i did not think i was depressed. I've been depressed in various periods in my life, there was always oppression involved, the feeling the world was squeezing me, wanting something from me. Now it is not so, not so much. I would like to have love for the people i love.

Maybe that's the chinch, that i turn rigid when i feel someone wants something from me, that me doing what makes me happy is not enough. Man, what a selfish bastard, i don't see anyone living with me.

Now my gender is also known, :) I hoped to make my first post gender neutral so not to arise the default fury of the women here towards bastard men. ....here i am *exposing chest for the expected dagger

maybe i am depressed (apart from being a whining loveless bastard) i will ponder this as i go about my day.
if i have humor though, i can't be that miserable. But this issue of making others close to me suffer is no joking matter (yes, i am thinking of the cat, who now is sleeping in our car under the full midday sun)

cheers beautiful ones

I'm sorry that you're experiencing what the rest of us do - Life being rough, tough, and unfair, but this is a fact of the human condition. Take heart in the fact that no religion or philosophy espouses that life is fair - on the contrary, Life is not fair and how we meet our daily challenges helps to determine what kind of individuals we'll choose to be.

This may be a weird question, but what is your definition of, "evil?" Have you deliberately done things to harm other people for your own entertainment? Have you drowned sacks of kittens in a river? Have you sought a particular type of individual so that you could shape and control that individual into an emotional whipping post? I mean, are you actually equating yourself with "evil" for a reason, or are you using that term strictly for its emotional impact?

"Evil" is a term that I reserve for the most heinous of actions. Even then, I try to avoid defining the person as being evil - just the actions (if I can manage it).

Remaining aloof, distant, and isolated gives us a false sense of emotional safety - we honestly believe that, by maintaining distance from other human beings, we'll be safe, they'll be safe, and we'll continue moving through Life without having to risk experiencing hurt. Life is full of risks and emotional taking emotional risks are just as important as bungee jumping, skateboarding, piano recitals, art gallery shows, etc. If we don't risk, we don't learn anything from our mistakes and/or successes - we just ARE.

What Zoebess has suggested is 24K GOLD - you do NOT have to buy into your past. It's a choice and not a mandate. Playing into the past accomplishes nothing other than to give ourselves the illusion of excuse: my family was dysfunctional so, therefore, I behave the way that I do and you'll just have to pardon me for my foibles. Of course, this is nonsense. I cannot name a single person that I've met during my substantial lifetime that did NOT grow up in some type of dysfunction - emotional, financial, spiritual, etc., we've all been there in some capacity or another. Perhaps, this fact might help you to move forward in realizing that you're not alone nor must you be lonely.

Altering your nutritional needs will certainly help, but you may want to consider freeing your mind, as well, just as Zoe suggested. Fear is one of the most compelling emotions that we experience and, if we feed it, it only grows bigger and stronger. There's no need to fear joining the human race and opening up the door to emotional healing. It may take for you to seek the help of a counselor in order to learn how to accept the emotional scars and see them as badges of honor rather than ugly things to hide to try to forget about. My emotional scars were instrumental in making me who I am, today. As crazy as it might sound, I wouldn't trade my experiences for ANY amount of money. Because of my past, I've evolved into a more loving, caring, responsible, and empathetic human being. I've also learned to speak Truth, even when to do so might isolate me from people that are important to me.

This will all come out in the wash, 68439, and gender has nothing to do with emotional healing. Never allow gender to enter into your emotional equation, again - it's a false screen and entirely too handy to use in avoiding the exercise of FEELING.

Best wishes to you in your journey.

I'm Roooth. That's 3 ooo's in Roooth, thankyouverymuch. :-)

Please disregard my quirky sense of humor. In seriousness, it sounds like you're really having trouble deciphering yourself, but happily you are trying. Evil to me is the complete lack of love. That doesn't sound like where you are but yes, there are boundaries hiding you from learning to express and accept love. Love, the verb, takes practice, for all of us.

A note on the Depression issue (and I don't know if that is the case w/you) but I absolutely on million percent disagree with searching out chemical imbalances as a cause and solution for depression. If you are currently depressed, there will absolutely be less seratonin present because that correlation is known. This does not prove causation. A person could watch a happy movie and be tested and then a sad movie and be tested and seratonin would be different, i.e. the mood affects the biology as well. Biology has never been proven to CAUSE mental disorders. Scientists have merely noted a simultaneous presence. Adrenaline doesn't cause you to start a bar fight - the bar fight causes adrenanline to pump. So there are known cases of psychology causing biological chemicals to be released. It can work both ways, anyway, *end topic*

About you and love: your concern is too complicated to address in a quick online chat of course, and it's easy to say get therapy for guidance - and if you could find and open up to a great therapist, yes this would be good although it may take some looking to find one who can truly guide you.

I believe you absolutely have something to give. Most people do. I truly believe we are beautiful beings with so much in each of us that is wonderful. The question is not are you worthy or worthwhile, but whether you are able at this moment. Love is something to learn, something to practice. It must be practiced on yourself, people around you, all your relationships, and finally a love relationship.

I'm trying to think of a way to put together all the many thoughts in me that respond to this and it's too much. I think my very best suggestion is to search for people who have what you want. If you want to be rich, learn from a rich man, not a poor man. If you want to be smooth, watch someone who is adept in social situations. If you want to be happy and learn to love, watch those who have mastered this skill. Here are some of my favorite inspirations for personal growth:

Brian Weiss (start with Many Lives, Many Masters)
Byron Katie (I think it's neat to see or hear her work - I have a book on tape of hers)
The book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"
The Dalai Lama

Finding things that move you to compassion are helpful to put things in perspective. One of those amazing things for me is the movie Ghandi. His story is amazing and his nonviolent action inspired Dr. Martin Luther King.

When attempting to get into higher vibration stuff like this when your vibration is lower, you may find that you can only sustain it for so long before it turns from inspirational to exhausting. That's ok, take a break. Find ways so incorporate practice into your life - little ways. Small but steady changes. I was an angry teenager, now I'm a compassionate Hospice Volunteer. People grow over time.

Anyway, good luck, and feel free to come to us to chat. This site is full of supportive wonderful people like my girl Zoe! :-)

You sound like my husband exactly. In fact, he also had a similar experience (the bastard thing, messed up mother, alcoholic father...). Is that you honey?

I've been with the man for 25 years. We are 50. I heard everything you just said, and you are depressed. Hands down, no doubt about it. Low self esteem, social anxiety, feeling odd in one's skin, gravitating towards isolation....I don't remember reading how old you are? I think my husband hid all of this tendencies until is mid-30's. Then it all snowballed, but by then he had a wife and an infant. It was rough times.

He was on Prozac for 10 years. At first it was fine, but very soon he became zombie-like. And he was afraid to stop because prior to going on it, he had gone all the way down the rabbit hole.

I researched all this natural health business and finally weaned him off of Prozac. I found that exercise helps him tremendously. I feed him all whole natural foods. But the Depression is still there.

Recently (last Thanksgiving) his Mother died. She was nuts, and I mean that seriously. The relief he felt almost immediately was unreal. I mean, standing at the hospital bed watching her go, to playing darts at a bar until 2 a.m. that night. Both he and his sister both felt this lessening.

Toxic people. They can be Mothers, Fathers, Siblings.........This was so key for my dear husband. She wasn't even living in the same state anymore, but that's the degree of influence she had on him.

Do you have a similar situation? Is your Mother or Father living and do you have a relationship with either? I think you should start examining that aspect.

Good luck. I would strong suggest you do not go the drug route, it just messes you up. But unfortunately I have not found the key to unlock my husbands depression, and even when he seems like he's fine, I know him well enough that it's ever present. He can just manage it most days, but there is never any extreme sense of joy.

Molly