Re: The NEXT 12 Steps (AA)

Right, MM --

That's why we write inventory in Step 4. We want to find out who we are *not* rather than who we are, so to speak. Then that stuff can be removed and we can have a clear channel to the HP.

I am sure this will draw fire, but you would or will be a lot more clear about who you are, and more important what your part is in your problems with your boyfriend (that doesn't mean you have a part in making him drink, just a part in how it affects you), if you tried looking at it from a point of view of your own ego. Here's how that would look for me according to AA/Al-Anon format for self-appraisal, which occurs in the following seven areas we all have in our lives:

My PRIDE would tell me...


"I cannot possibly have a drunk for a boyfriend! Others will think less of me. I am the 'type of person' who has respectable, upstanding boyfriends and perfect relationships! What if I needed him and he was not there for me???" (How others look at me/How it looks from the outisde -- i.e. to friends, family, colleagues.) Fear: Of not being respected, of not looking good to others. Of being different (from my friends with boyfriends who drink normally.)

My SELF-ESTEEM would tell me...

"I am a GREAT girlfriend! Nobody should have to drink/get drunk to be around me! Aren't I enough??? "How DARE someone get drunk and embarrass/get ugly with/forget about me????" " (How I view myself in this situation.) Fear: I am no match for alcohol -- something is more important to him than I am. I will be embarrassed. I will have to be a babysitter, not a partner. I am not a good enough reason for him to change.

My SECURITY (What I *need* to be OK in this situation) tells me: "I need him not to get drunk around me/in public. I need him to stop after a couple of drinks. I need him to not drink!" (When in fact you don't -- you need a way to be OK regardless of what he does or doesn't, or can or cannot do!) Fear: I can't control his drinking/not being respected/not being listened to/being voiceless in this part of my relationship with him.

My AMBITION (What I *want* to be OK) tells me: "I want a respectable boyfriend whom my family and friends and coworkers like, who can hang out and drink at happy hour but go home and be fine afterwards." and (remember, I am writing this based on your experience but with my own former relationship in mind...) "I want a boyfriend who is husband/dad material. I want someone who will take care of me rather than me having to worry about them. I want a guy who is even, consistent, and doesn't pose a fuss. I want a perfect guy who never makes mistakes [I will say here that my husband called me by his ex's name one night, in BED, and we have both been sober for a little while -- it was *horrible* and embarrasing for him, as I imagine it was for your boyfriend! :)]." Fear of not looking good, of not being in a comfortable situation, of having to right his wrongs indefinitely.

PERSONAL RELATIONS. (How this relationship is supposed to be or look...whether it's mothers or boyfriends or bosses or husbands etc.) "Boyfriends don't get stinking drunk. BFs don't place alcohol before their relationships. BFs have respect for the woman they date which *extends to choosing not to over-drink around her!" Fear of not getting what I want in a relationship. Fear of not having respect from him.

SEX RELATIONS (How this person should behave according to my ideas about gender roles...i.e. what Men or Women are "supposed" to do.) "Real men aren't alcoholic, grow out of their drinking, deprioritize alcohol as they get older in favor of work, relationships, hobbies, transform into responsible members of society, etc." Fear that this will get worse and my life will suffer as a result.

FINANCE (How this person's behaviour affects my pocketbook or my attitudes around money.) "I can't marry/date him because he won't be a breadwinner! Men don't spend lots of money around alcohol. He might continue to drink and bankrupt me, as well!" Fear of not having enough money. Fear of losing the money I have.

So those are the ideas that I have -- the deeply held beliefs -- around how this situation is supposed to be or go for me and why, in essence, I am angry or afraid of the person in question. It all gets down to the following three ideas, stemming from the fears I have around those ideas:

1) I won't/will never have enough.
2) I won't/will never be enough.
3. I will be abandoned.

I assure you that at the bottom of any fears anyone has, those are the three fundamental ones. The point with 12-Step is that you learn (and the above is the first half of the resentment inventory) to develop a relationship with a higher power where you will always be/have enough and you will never again fear those things. Now, that same inventory can be a great thing to take to a psychiatrist's office -- imagine -- you can talk about something practical! Why I have these deep seated beliefs

Anyway, just some ideas to think about. Once we know what our deepest or operative beliefs are in those areas, and the fears beneath them, we are well equipped to get better. We use them to uncover our own actions or attitudes that were fundamentally about ourselves and our motives, and can then have that part taken away from us and move with clarity and confidence into being who we could and should be in those situations. What would happen if you got to a place where you could love this person despite their drinking? I'm not advocating a relationship with an active alcoholic per se, but that said, I know plenty of people married to abnormal drinkers who still find a lot to love about them. Of course, I think enough can become enough, and physical or psychological abuse can cause anyone to not only want but need, often for their immediate safety, to get out of such a relationship -- there are many, many recovering alcoholics who lose loved ones and family members and friends because of their drinking behavior -- though when they sober up and work a program, they are welcomed readily into those peoples' lives, and forgiven -- it was the unpleasantness and atrocious drinking behaviour that was the problem, not the person themselves.

The only thing you can do is to change your own ideas and behaviour. Any ultimatum you deliver, anything you say about "Me vs. Drinking -- One has to go!" will fail if this guy is a true alcoholic -- his drinking, both before and when he starts, is not his choice as much as one might hope or think it is. Then, what will have happened from his point of view is that he will be very confused because he won't know (after this e-mail, you will know a lot more than most people...) what happened, and the sad part is, he will have probably made every earnest effort possible within his control to abide by what you ask him to do, yet still fail.

Your real dilemma is simply whether he's had enough and wants to quit or not, and that's all I would suggest saying -- "If you have a desire to quit drinking and will make an honest effort, that's what I hope to see." You could explain to him that you know he doesn't have a choice, and get a copy of the book and read it and ask him to. If he says, "Oh, gosh! I DO have a desire..." you're in business -- but until he gets to that point, I personally would not stick around hoping for a change. i.e. THere is no point in demanding he stop without fact-finding first, and establishing that he in fact is interested.

Anyway....Best to all and happy weekend.

Laura Tweet