Re: Any suggestion/advise

My advanced apologies for the length of my response.

LadySunshine, is this former partner a spouse or a boyfriend? If you entered into a legal binding contract of marriage with this person, you will need to have as many people involved in your divorce process as possible, and I detest the whole idea that this is the only way to be safely away from this man. You are quite right to refuse his calls, PERIOD. Any interaction with this man will only dissolve into another episode of verbal or physical abuse - seek some assistance, immediately, because those of us who are caught up in these relationships do not have the skills or resources available to safely deal with abusive people, yet.

Unfortunately, the Police cannot become involved in disputes of custody. This is a sad fact but we have to consider how busy they would be JUST being involved in the swapping of children between feuding adults - it would bring public safety (yes, seems like an oxymoron) to a screeching halt. In most States and localities, the Police cannot involve themselves in domestic disputes or squabbles until they turn into violent episodes that can be legally addressed. This is a shame, but it is a fact. Social Services and Legal Aid are where you need to be focusing your attention, right this instant.

Call your local Social Services office, your local Legal Aid office, and your attorney (if you don't have one, you may wish to retain one and have HIM pay the fees) and explain what's going on IN DETAIL and that you and your child need protection from his abuse. An abusive parent (man OR woman) does not need to visit with their offspring unless (and, until) they are engaged in counseling/therapy for their abusive behaviors - PERIOD. You are not "depriving" anyone of any Thing! Your abusive ex does not wish to be a parent. He is wishing ONLY to maintain any type of control over you that he can, even if it means using his own offspring to do it. His offspring is not even viewed as a human being (just as you aren't). That precious child is seen by his abusive sperm donor as a thing without value except to harm and/or control others. Let me make this perfectly clear: you are not "depriving" anyone of anything, here. You mentioned your child's horrid behaviors and these are in direct relation to his exposure to his abusive father. This is precisely why Social Services needs to be called in, much as I hate to make that suggestion. What the abuser wants is not your problem, my dear. What you and your child NEED are much more important than what you believe the abuser needs - savvy? The safety and protection of your Self and that of your child are now the center of your focus, right now. Being "fair," "equitable," or "reasonable" is not going to be worth a fart in a windstorm when you are dealing with an abusive NPD, EVER. There will be no negotiation, no reason, and no playing nice with this man.

The reasons for involving people in your situation is to have as many resources available to you and your child as humanly possible - YOU pay for these services each time your taxes are paid and you have every right to seek help from these agencies, yesterday. Don't allow pride or any other emotion to interfere with seeking and securing the help that you need.

Ask for SUPERVISED visitation, ONLY. This means that, if the sperm donor is willing to be a father to his offspring, he will see his child in the presence of someone who has legal jurisdiction over the visit without squawking. Ask the Court for an Order of Protection against his 18 year old son - this young man is likely to be even more violent than his father as the level of abusive intensity only increases over generations. ORDER OF PROTECTION - get it, yesterday! This young man will, definitely, either physically, verbally, emotionally, or sexually abuse your son - you can bet a month's salary on this fact. He has been raised to be an abuser, and his half-brother is not off limits for his acting-out. If necessary, seek the same thing against the father BEFORE you ask the Court to allow supervised visitation. He is a violent man and will either verbally or physically abuse his own child. Your attorney, Social Services Case Worker, Legal Aid worker, or any one else involved in your situation will be better able to provide sound suggestions as per your jurisdiction.

Don't be afraid to talk to people about what is happening to you and your child. Ask for help or for them just to listen, if they don't mind. If you keep all of this negativity bottled up inside, it will have to manifest itself in some physical way, either through chronic illness, accidental injury, or acting-out in some sort of way. This is another good reason to get involved in individual counseling and family counseling with your son - you need to talk about it, cry about it, scream about it, and start the healing process.

It will be a very good idea for you to document (without emotion) every encounter with this man and his 18 year old son. This means keeping a written (not on the computer) running log of dates, times, quotes, threats, promises, YOUR reactions and quotes, etc., without adding or subtracting the facts. It must be completely objective. The same should be done with regard to your marriage/relationship to this man - a complete honest, detailed, objective history of your relationship to this man, even if some of the facts aren't flattering to you. Keep both of these documents in safe places and copy the running log and present them, in a sealed envelope, to friends or family that can be trusted 100%. Explain to them what you are entrusting them with and that you are not asking them to read this, just hold onto it in case your copy is stolen or altered. Add updated copies in sealed envelopes to them, as you can (every 2 weeks, if possible) until this situation is resolved.

You know, as well as I do, that the only way that your son will be safe from exposure to this level of damage is to not be exposed to his biological father. Of course, you'd love to have a weekend of rest, but it's not going to happen anytime soon unless there are people who are 100% trustworthy who would be willing to take him for a night - by "trustworthy," I mean someone who will not abuse him OR allow the father to see or take him, for any reason. If he is exhibiting such alarming behaviors, it's likely that nobody will be willing to take him on for a while until you have gotten these behaviors under control. A 3-year-old striking an adult is unacceptable and you may have to seek some intensive child counseling for him, ASAP. Physical violence is not uncommon, but it can become an extremely serious issue that can develop out of control if not attended to.

Unfortunately, we choose these people for whatever reasons. I chose my ex and produced 2 children with him. I had no idea that I would be in for the Fight of My Life when I left him and, in my mind, I came to understand that hard fight as the price that I had to pay for having chosen him in the first place. Yes, it was long, expensive, and humiliating, but I learned a great deal along the way that will serve me for the rest of my life: being "nice" doesn't translate into being a doormat. And, when dealing with an abusive NPD, being "nice" is thoroughly unproductive, particularly where the safety and well-being of their offspring are concerned. This is going to be a long, ugly, nasty, vicious, no-winner fight for you and your son, and that is an unfortunate fact for you. Don't give in to fear, harassment, or the urge to go belly-up, if only for the sake of your precious son. He doesn't have to develop into what his father is, and you are the only one who can see that he doesn't.

Finally, do not give in to the temptation or urge to begin another relationship with someone, even though you might feel as if you "need" to have a partner. At this point, FRIENDS are much more important than developing a relationship on the rebound and healing your Self and assisting in the healing and safety of your child are far more important than anything that a new man might be able to provide. You'll want to have your head cleared before choosing your next partner.


http://www.heartlessbitches.com


Best wishes to you and God Bless, LadySunshine. You will be just fine!

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