I feel like I'm drowning

My story is really long but I have to tell in order for you to help me. Or just listen. Ritually burn it if my sadness turns out to be contagious. But don't ignore it.

It's very egoistical, but the last couple of months I have this urge to break free of my little life, leave the country and do something else entirely. I always think about flying and often think about becoming a jet pilot instead of the boring college course I'm currently doing. I know that the odds of a woman becoming a jet pilot are very small, so I just store the thought away in the "wishful thinking" department of my head (which is big, believe me) but I often catch myself staring out of the window wishing it was me out there, flying up high and quick.

I guess the underlying reason for my urge to fly free as a bird is my home situation: I'm bound to it. My twin brother is autistic and is difficult to handle at times (it's like he's going through puberty now instead of this teens.) My mom has a bad case of Multiple Sclerosis (she's currently in the wheelchair and experiences difficulty with the most basic things like going to the bathroom or taking a shower) and my dad suffered a heartattack a month ago which scared the hell out of me.

Now, I really am the only "normal/healthy" one at home and though they never say it, I can feel everyone counts on me to keep everything together. I cook, I clean, I do the groceries and try to entertain my mom whose life doesn't differ much from the chair she's sitting on. I point out to my dad that those fries are bad for his cholesterol and he shouldn't go to the café anymore. I talk my brother through his issues. I study.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love my family...I do, god knows I do... and everyone does as much as he/she can to get through the daily routine....but I'm feeling like I'm drowning. I know I should be happy to be a healthy normal 19 year old girl in a "rich" country, but I can't really help myself.

I've been so busy I've only now begun taking lessons for my drivers licence. But I'm having a hard time with it because I'm anxious all the time and I make mistakes with the most stupid things in driving. I've followed 18 lessons already and I'm still no good. Then the pilot dream mockingly enters my head: how is a girl supposed to become a good pilot if she can't even move a car around the way it's supposed to? I'm not dumb, really. I can study quite well and my teacher said I should go university with the grades I'm getting...but there's no way I can afford that and my knees feel like buckling under the pressure of the daily life already.

I used to have many friends, but many of them abandoned me when I became busier with controlling my situation than hooking up with them. I gave up on alcohol, cigarettes and fastfood because those were ruining my dad's health. (I guess I already had a "feeling" before he even got the attack.) Relationships never took off with me because I was simply too busy (and too scared, I have to admit) I'm still a virgin at 19.

I eventually got into fights with my friends, which is strange because I rarely get angry. I just snapped at one point. I found it too hard to keep up the "I'm always alright" act I put up all the time and cracking sarcastic jokes when a sad moment arrived. Everyone always counted on me to put a silly spin on a situation or calm down a situation before things escalated. I used to be proud to be in that position. Seemingly untouchable.

These days, everyone's saying I've changed. I've become cynical and if I try out for humor, it comes out darker than ever. I reply nastily sometimes and I'm developing tics like biting my nails, cracking my knuckles and grabbing scissors randomly to cut off dead ends from my hair. I never used to have tics, (except sucking my thumb when I was a child.) I'm less "fun" as a fellow college student put it.

Someone asked me the other day if my glass was half empty or half full. I was going to say it's empty, but that's not completely true. My life isn't void and I have my happy moments; but they usually just seem to disappear, or make a turn for the worse. So, my glass is cracked. It gets filled up with happiness and hope, but it always ends up escaping my grasp. It always ends up emptying out. It will never be full because it's always leaking. And one day, it will get thrown away, because no one wants a broken glass.

Is this what you guys call stress? Depression? A combination maybe? (haha how wonderful would that be?)

Instead of focusing on school's new January projects, I'm thinking about what it would be like to get out and away and live somewhere else entirely. Where noone knows me, no-one has an opinion of me and where I don't feel the invisible tugs of the reigns. Somewhere I can pursue my ambitions. Maybe get a boyfriend. Have some time off to go into town for no particular reason.

Sounds like heaven to me. And the feeling is pulling. I think it's dangerous. Dreams have always crashed down on me. And they all have to do in the end with me being happy.

Which I'm not at the moment, as you must have noticed *snort*. Can you tell me what true happiness is? I have some good childhood memories but they're far away and the only thing that currently makes me smile are my fantasies and funny phrases in books. Neither last long. And the view of "the dreamy kid staring out of the window" is starting to become really pathetic, isn't it?

I don't know what I really want from you. It felt good putting my thoughts on paper with the idea someone might read them and be tempted to reply to them in some way, whether good or bad. I know what I'm going through is nothing compared to what a lot of other people have to endure in their lives, and maybe you'll think I'm a pathetic, whining, little girl who doesn't appreciate what's been given to her... but I just had to write it off.

Reading it now makes me laugh because it looks like it's written by a 14 year old instead of the adult I'm supposed to be... oh well. I guess it's time to remove those "I want you to like me" stickers from off my forehead, and put them on my mirror instead…

Thanks for reading.

~Drowning bird