I feel like I'm drowning 
#77348
17 y
4,898
† Cross †
My story is really long but I have to tell in order for you to help me. Or just listen. Ritually burn it if my sadness turns out to be contagious. But don't ignore it.
It's very egoistical, but the last couple of months I have this urge to break free of my little life, leave the country and do something else entirely. I always think about flying and often think about becoming a jet pilot instead of the boring college course I'm currently doing. I know that the odds of a woman becoming a jet pilot are very small, so I just store the thought away in the "wishful thinking" department of my head (which is big, believe me) but I often catch myself staring out of the window wishing it was me out there, flying up high and quick.
I guess the underlying reason for my urge to fly free as a bird is my home situation: I'm bound to it. My twin brother is autistic and is difficult to handle at times (it's like he's going through puberty now instead of this teens.) My mom has a bad case of Multiple Sclerosis (she's currently in the wheelchair and experiences difficulty with the most basic things like going to the bathroom or taking a shower) and my dad suffered a heartattack a month ago which scared the hell out of me.
Now, I really am the only "normal/healthy" one at home and though they never say it, I can feel everyone counts on me to keep everything together. I cook, I clean, I do the groceries and try to entertain my mom whose life doesn't differ much from the chair she's sitting on. I point out to my dad that those fries are bad for his cholesterol and he shouldn't go to the café anymore. I talk my brother through his issues. I study.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love my family...I do, god knows I do... and everyone does as much as he/she can to get through the daily routine....but I'm feeling like I'm drowning. I know I should be happy to be a healthy normal 19 year old girl in a "rich" country, but I can't really help myself.
I've been so busy I've only now begun taking lessons for my drivers licence. But I'm having a hard time with it because I'm anxious all the time and I make mistakes with the most stupid things in driving. I've followed 18 lessons already and I'm still no good. Then the pilot dream mockingly enters my head: how is a girl supposed to become a good pilot if she can't even move a car around the way it's supposed to? I'm not dumb, really. I can study quite well and my teacher said I should go university with the grades I'm getting...but there's no way I can afford that and my knees feel like buckling under the pressure of the daily life already.
I used to have many friends, but many of them abandoned me when I became busier with controlling my situation than hooking up with them. I gave up on alcohol, cigarettes and fastfood because those were ruining my dad's health. (I guess I already had a "feeling" before he even got the attack.) Relationships never took off with me because I was simply too busy (and too scared, I have to admit) I'm still a virgin at 19.
I eventually got into fights with my friends, which is strange because I rarely get angry. I just snapped at one point. I found it too hard to keep up the "I'm always alright" act I put up all the time and cracking sarcastic jokes when a sad moment arrived. Everyone always counted on me to put a silly spin on a situation or calm down a situation before things escalated. I used to be proud to be in that position. Seemingly untouchable.
These days, everyone's saying I've changed. I've become cynical and if I try out for humor, it comes out darker than ever. I reply nastily sometimes and I'm developing tics like biting my nails, cracking my knuckles and grabbing scissors randomly to cut off dead ends from my hair. I never used to have tics, (except sucking my thumb when I was a child.) I'm less "fun" as a fellow college student put it.
Someone asked me the other day if my glass was half empty or half full. I was going to say it's empty, but that's not completely true. My life isn't void and I have my happy moments; but they usually just seem to disappear, or make a turn for the worse. So, my glass is cracked. It gets filled up with happiness and hope, but it always ends up escaping my grasp. It always ends up emptying out. It will never be full because it's always leaking. And one day, it will get thrown away, because no one wants a broken glass.
Is this what you guys call stress? Depression? A combination maybe? (haha how wonderful would that be?)
Instead of focusing on school's new January projects, I'm thinking about what it would be like to get out and away and live somewhere else entirely. Where noone knows me, no-one has an opinion of me and where I don't feel the invisible tugs of the reigns. Somewhere I can pursue my ambitions. Maybe get a boyfriend. Have some time off to go into town for no particular reason.
Sounds like heaven to me. And the feeling is pulling. I think it's dangerous. Dreams have always crashed down on me. And they all have to do in the end with me being happy.
Which I'm not at the moment, as you must have noticed *snort*. Can you tell me what true happiness is? I have some good childhood memories but they're far away and the only thing that currently makes me smile are my fantasies and funny phrases in books. Neither last long. And the view of "the dreamy kid staring out of the window" is starting to become really pathetic, isn't it?
I don't know what I really want from you. It felt good putting my thoughts on paper with the idea someone might read them and be tempted to reply to them in some way, whether good or bad. I know what I'm going through is nothing compared to what a lot of other people have to endure in their lives, and maybe you'll think I'm a pathetic, whining, little girl who doesn't appreciate what's been given to her... but I just had to write it off.
Reading it now makes me laugh because it looks like it's written by a 14 year old instead of the adult I'm supposed to be... oh well. I guess it's time to remove those "I want you to like me" stickers from off my forehead, and put them on my mirror instead…
Thanks for reading.
~Drowning bird
- Re: I feel like I'm drowning Zoebess
17 y
4,472
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,062,213You *do* have a lot on your plate and it may
take some creativity to carve out some boundaries
for yourself, but it is imperative that you find
some *me* time. Why not start by taking a full day
a week just for you. Tell your family you are *off*
on a certain day, and stick to it, make plans for
yourself or spend time alone in your room nurturing
*you*. Is it possible for you to communicate more
with your parents?? Perhaps discuss ways to take
some pressure off of you, or share how you are feeling
and perhaps they can see your side of the situation
and help alleviate some of the stress in ways you
have not thought of.
You sound like you are actually rather together and
experiencing overwhelm. I suspect you know you have
to pull away from the situation a little at a time
and find your new comfort zone but that doing that
is what is most distressing for you. The sky will not
fall either if you take a vacation or step back for
a while. You are young and so certainly do not worry
about being a virgin at 19. There are many people who
are in your position and many by choice. When you meet
the right person, those feelings will become strong
enough that love and exploring sexuality will feel
right and healthy.
Try to focus on school if you can too. Perhaps you can
find time on your day *off* to rehabilitate some of
your friendships. Friends understand how it can be
difficult to find and maintain boundaries and would
understand if you are able to share that this has been
why you have felt distance from them and have been
working through these issues. Perhaps you may even find
in your friends the support system you need. Do not
be afraid to reach out to your friends, and that includes
YOU, and treat yourself well.
I wish you the best~~
blessings,
Zoe
-_-
- Re: I feel like I'm drowning jurplesman
17 y
4,668
This is a reply to # 1,062,265Hi 77348 ,
I don't think you are depressed, although with all the stresses impinging on you I suspect you cannot be happy. This is a sad story. I agree with Zoe, that perhaps you should take some time away from the family. But I can understand that this would be very difficult. I wonder which country you live in. Here is Australia you could get some government-paid carers to come and help you out. You definitely need some support. Please investigate if you have a similar service wherever you are.
I see you are already aware of the influence of nutrition on health. It seems to me that you need to go on an anti-stress diet, high in protein and supplemented with vitamins and minerals. But in the end the final solution is some support from other family members or from government.
My thoughts are with you.
_______________________________________________
Jurriaan Plesman BA (Psych) Post Grad Dip Clin Nutr
Editor of
The Hypoglycemic Health Association of Australia.
Author of "Getting off the Hook"
Freely available at Google Book Search
- Re: I feel like I'm drowning jurplesman
17 y
4,668
- Re: I feel like I'm drowning been there done that
17 y
4,542
This is a reply to # 1,062,213To "heavenly minded" 77348, ("Sounds like heaven to me")
I was suicidally depressed for 51 years. Many people have different "views" of what Depression is because they can't understand what it is. They can't relate because they have an inability to relate/understand why a person would GET/be "depressed" (the reason I put the word in quotes is because it is essentially thought of as an abstract concept and not defined well). They (the intellectuals) only understand well the world that can be seen, and have little understanding, if any, of the world that can be FELT [in the heart].
In order to have a better/true understanding of some words or LABELS, you need to compare it to it's opposite (the opposite of "depressed" is IMPRESSED).
I was in no way "impressed" with all of the supposed "goodness" of the world (I grew up in a dysfunctional family and was ostracized as the "flunky" of the family). Since I grew accustomed to ridicule and emotional abuse in the family, I learned to accept it outside the family. It doesn't sound like you're in exactly the same situation, but you certainly are insightful, profound and warm enough to also have a cynical ATTITUDE about all of the supposed "goodness" of the world (the GOOD reason for having a cynical ATTITUDE about the world is disappointment that the world/society isn't better, the bad reason for that attitude is "being hateful"). Don't persecute yourself for having a cynical attitude, you have the "good" reason for being cynical (profound, insightful, intuitive).
Don't let people play "weekend psychiatrist" and psychoanalyze/evaluate you with these "glass half empty" questions (don't worry about your glass, you're young), people just want to condescendingly criticize and ridicule (develop "opinions") others because their own ego needs a boost, they want to play "hero" and redeem their ego, and sometimes it's also their conscience that needs redeeming. They don't want to mind THEIR OWN business because "their own business" is not very "attractive"/complimentary/flattering (nothing to really be proud of). Whenever some people sense that you are a "straight arrow", they will feel "uncomfortable" around you (you make them look bad) and will secretly resent you and will constantly try to find a way to criticize/shame/ridicule you.
Don't let anyone make you feel subordinate or insignificant, you are doing a fantastic job at home.
Anyone would feel stress doing what you do for the family, but not many would be dealing with it as well as you are by doing well in school.
Many people have nervous habits/outlets like drumming their fingers on the table or cracking their knuckles (harmless [except for the noise] "tics"/quirks/idiosyncracies that nobody should "judge"). Other people are intolerant about these things because they look for a reason to criticize.
IDEALLY, every human being on this earth should be happy, but when a person "feels the obligation" to be happy, they will undoubtedly be/become a failure (because there is no shortage of stress, corruption, hatred/resentment, etc. in this world) and feel guilt/shame (you did say that you feel obligated..."I know I should be happy to be a healthy normal 19 year old girl in a "rich" country",...by whose standards do you have this obligation?).
In my understanding, the ONLY way to "TRUE happiness" is to understand and KNOW yourself, and then BE yourself (I am who I am). Peace of mind comes from the settled conscience of being who you are (instead of betraying yourself by not being who you are).
Your post doesn't sound like it was written by a 14 yr. old, it sounds like it was written by a person who knows how to FEEL the world that can only be "felt" (warm, profound, intuitive).
- Re: I feel like I'm drowning Fonty
17 y
7,220
This is a reply to # 1,062,213Hi drowning bird. I'm sorry to hear how your life has been going downhill up till this point. I'm sure you don't want to hear any cliche's like you're young and have a full life ahead of you so I won't bore you with such things. I would like you to consider options with your schooling that may give you credits on getting a pilot's license in the future- if that definitely isn't an option now. One of the most important things I have found with Depression is the need to do things for ourselves. I like you have a great capacity for wishing and some of the things I wish for are impossible, but the things that aren't are always worth trying for.
I have also been a carer for people with disabilities. They were the best years of my life in many ways. I didn't just work for clients I mad some of the best friendships I could ever hope to make while in that job. I was always there by choice not for the money and it was that choice to kept me in that job long after my stress limits had been reached and passed. I was only removed from the job in the end by the people who caused the stress (not the clients by the way) and spent a long time recovering enough to work again.
It sounds very much like you also are being worn down at least in part by your caring role in your family. There is no question you are there by choice and for the love of them also. It is important to care also for yourself, vital in fact now that you seem to be on a downward spiral. You need a break, if not from the caring role definitely from the stress that you are under. Don't underestimate the damage that stress can do to you, is doing to you. You need to make some decisions for yourself. You already choose to care for your family and do the very best you can for them at all times, and are often frustrated when they won't listen to your advice. So it's time to give yourself the same level of care and follow your own advice as best you can. If you don't care for yourself and give yourself something to live for outside of your family you may find your ability to care for them will eventually be impaired by your stress and/or depression.
So don't be afraid to be 'selfish'. It is an important step in rediscovering yourself and your happiness. Some of your wishes may be too way out, but there must be a way to set yourself on a path that satisfies at least some of your needs. Find that path and begin walking it. You don't have to leave your family behind, you just have to start building up a new life parallel to them so to speak.
I hope some of my ramblings are helpful to you. And I wish you the best in getting through this down period in your life.
Take care,
Andrew. - You are one smart cookie, 77348! fledgling
17 y
4,473
This is a reply to # 1,062,213Dear 77348,
Reading your story I immediately saw two things...
...You have a lot of responsibility for your family, and,
...You are doing wonderfully in 'rising to the occasion'. Very few people in this world could do as well.
All of your 'problems' socially, with your friends, come from them not knowing what your responsibilities are like...ALL of your friends and all of your responsibilities.
I want to cheer at your good sense and thoughtfulness...and at your dreams. Imagine knowing some of what you want to do already...at age 19!!!
And, your inner longings to be free come, simply, from the fact that you can't yet see how this weighty burden will lift.
It will, Babe...it will.
And, NO...you are NOT depressed! 'Depressed' would be that you would hide out in your room and don't do a darn thing for anyone else.
Please don't let anyone give you anti-depressants! You are one healthy girl! I would be proud to call you 'daughter'. Heck, I AM proud of you! That's a fine post you wrote.
Now, as for how to fix the real problem...
...You need a team on the job. You need six more of YOU...each doing one sixth of your tasks, with you supervising and doing only the parts that are your specialties...calming and loving, and growing your own life.
It would be nice to hire these folks, if there is enough money...but then you'd have to accept their 'standards', their ideas on what constitutes appropriate care, particularly in the areas of 'health' and 'tenderness'. That could lead to even greater worries than you have now.
The same might be true if you were to rely on volunteers from your relatives, or any organization.
Everyone might mean well, but they wouldn't necessarily have your practical insight.
Off the top of my head, you might begin with a family meeting...including only you, your parents, and your brother.
I take it that your parents appreciate your help, right? (Your good sense and loving nature must have come from somewhere!)
Could you put it to your immediate family that your own life and future needs attention? And that you have no intention of giving over their welfare and well-being to folks who wouldn't do at least as good a job as you?
Then, you could all brainstorm what services you all need, and who could possibly supply them.
There is a wonderful formula for getting ideas...one that makes everyone present happy they took part. Here's how it goes...
State a wish, and an obstacle, before other people...
Take an idea from the gathered group...
The Wisher then...
...Thanks the Idea-giver, and,
...Says one part of the idea that they like. (There is always something to like in every idea, even the silly ones, and in the ones that aren't for you, just now.)
This is the part that makes everyone glad they spoke up...the thanking, by name...and acknowledging the worth of the idea given, by saying something good about it, aloud.
Meanwhile, someone is writing down the ideas given, so none will be forgotten, later.
I've seen this method done, with large crowds, by the gal that invented it...it is magic, nothing less.
One example...
MARYANNE (the Wisher), "My name is Maryanne and I wish to sing and dance and entertain people. My obstacle is that I don't know how to sing and dance."
JAY (an Idea-giver), "My name is Jay and my idea is to go down to such-and-such square, on a Sunday, where the local clowns go to practice, and people come to watch."
MARYANNE, "Thank you, Jay. What I like about your idea is that I would be able to participate, spontaneously, or simply watch. I could develop my own ways, when I am ready."
FLEDGLING (an Idea-giver), "My name is Fledgling and I suggest you could go to a hospital staff cafeteria, at lunch-time, and give an impromptu five-minute song and dance, and maybe a joke."
MARYANNE, "Thank you, Fledgling. What I like about your idea is that hospital workers often need a bit of distraction...to refresh themselves."
Nothing need be committed to right there and then, but participants get out their brilliant ideas, and Maryanne gets ideas she hasn't thought of before, from caring strangers. There is nothing like support!
This comes from Barbara Sher, whose first best-seller has never been promoted, and is free, on-line, at http://www.wishcraft.com
An idea for you, dear 77348...
...Interview the best naturopaths and kinesiologists in town, and ask for them and/or their wisest clients to come to a party like this at your house...(once your family agrees). You supply chairs, and plates for goodies...and ask everyone to bring snacks, if they can.
Then stand up and say your Wish and Obstacle...such as, "I wish for my family's well-being, and my obstacle is time to begin my own life."
My best,
Fledgling
- Re: You are one smart cookie, 77348! #77348
17 y
4,658
This is a reply to # 1,065,960Thank you all for your kind words. I always viewed myself as a sort of immature creature but I guess that has more to do with my cycnical nature than my "immatureness." Thanks for clarifying that. Noone has ever been as positive about me as you people.
And therefore, I'm sorry I didn't reply any sooner. My only excuse is that I was really busy. Because apart from my usual routine, I have been thinking about all your ideas and one day I just decided to go with it and let my family know how I feel. Everyone was surprisingly supportive, and mom and dad said they never really noticed what kind of pressure they put on me. I guess I'll take that as a compliment.
My dad was really enthusiastic when I told him about my dream of becoming a pilot one day. So he prodded me to go to one of the last "Open Days" (dunno how you guys call em) for colleges, universities, etc. The Airforce had their own stand and I was informed that after I completed my current education, I was welcome to come and give it a go. "We can certainly use women like you," they told me and though I know it's just flattery, it got me smiling.
I was surprised I had enough education (the education system here is different from the US. We work with "levels" and you need atleast the "runner up" to even consider applying.) The only "but" was an extra math certificate, that I need to get. But I can apply for those seperately and it only takes 3 months to complete (if I study hard enough.)
So I think I'm going to do it and see how far I get. If (and still, that's a big if) I pass, I'll go in training in the US for 2 years. I live in The Netherlands and an oppertunity to go to the US sounds fantastic. But I'll cross that bridge if I get there. If I don't pass, they'll look if I'm good for another position (like flying a heli.)
And I started digging up some info about getting extra help here at home. I made some phonecalls, but they all ended up saying the same: we'll have to pay for it ourselves, because of 2 reasons: apparently my dad's income has grazed the invisible line into the category "sort of wealthy." (They don't care 50% of it is tax.) reason 2: I'm over 18 and still living at home, and therefore able enough to keep things together. It sort of came down to this: they would pay for help if my dad's hartattack was worse and he had to stay home for a long time. My reply to that: I disconnected the line.
I now arranged for a lady to come and help 3 times a week, cleaning the entire house. It costs a lot, but she'll take a lot off my back. She starts in the second week of the new year.
Thanks all. I'll keep you guys posted on how I'm doing.
- Re: You are one smart cookie, 77348! fledgling
17 y
4,258
This is a reply to # 1,067,043I am grinning from ear to ear.
Those are great developments, 77348. Well done!
You have maturity to burn! (Meaning you have lots left over.) And, you are one of the LEAST cynical people I have ever read.
It is a joy to read your posts.
You are on your way to a fine future...it will unfold like a flower. You'll see.
You understand yourself.
My best,
Fledgling - Re: You are one smart cookie, 77348! Fonty
17 y
4,322
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,067,043Wow things really are looking up for you. :) As for that phoone operator I think they got out of things lucky with just hanging up on them. That's just disgusting. It does sound like they will be able to help if you end up going to the US to do your training as it sounds like you have a good chance of doing now.
I think you've made some very important and positive changes in your life and will feel the benefits of them for a long time to come. Your family sounds awesome too responding so supportively to you in your time of need as well.
Good luck with everything. :)
Andrew.
- Re: You are one smart cookie, 77348! fledgling
17 y
4,258
- Re: You are one smart cookie, 77348! #77348
17 y
4,658
- Re: I feel like I'm drowning blueskieshar
15 y
5,135
This is a reply to # 1,062,213Hey I've been reading a few of your posts. I'm pretty bad at writing advice, opinions and everything else but I want to write something to let you know you're not alone so i guess i'll just start writing.
"life only gets harder" famous words within my family. Things have been hard and this idea that the mountain just keeps on going almost pushed me off the thing.
I've found the posts i read describe a hard life in which an amazing, strong, and mindful person is being overweighted by life. Many of these problems seem to stem from what seems as a 'unique' personality. Your past of bullying in school seems to still encumber you on a path with enough dips to throw the balance.
The fact that you're still a virgin resonates with me aswell. I'm 20 and going strong. It's not as if i'm avoiding sex but like you i decline most (obviously all) offers due to the fact that there is'nt that spark i need to make me believe that magic (yes i know that's it's rediculously cheesy) still exists to take me out of what seems like a ridiculously crazy world of animals hurting one another or being hurt around every corner. I've really tried three times. Twice there was that spark and the other none. When there was this feeling i got so nervous and scared because i knew they were amazing I messed it up by "not being enough of a man." aka trying to kiss them on the first date and trying to "get sex" straight away. One of them also had a bf and i declined due to that. Aah this world is ttruly crazy.
Sorry if i mix what i'm trying to say. Stop reading at any point if this is all useless or not.
In terms of what's going on in your fammily i can say nothing but you are doing an amazing thing. If karma truly exists you should be getting a free jumbo jet any day now :p. Although it's all piling up horribly my feeling is that first of all you need help; support. Carers could be an option because for someone your age this isn't fair! As for your dream of becoming a pilot it is more than possible. On a forum i can't really get my feelings across well enough but you can do it!!! Believe me if you try hard enough it will work out..believe me! But my honest advice is to finish college and start seeking help for caring fr your family.
Wow this rant did go on for a while. This is my first and probably only post on this forum. If you want to keep talking my e-mails pingybob@hotmail.com. I check it when i can.
Keep believing that you're worth the world. It definitely sounds like you are.
Jx
- Re: I feel like I'm drowning Zoebess
17 y
4,472
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