Have a care

*****WARNING***** Before you read my reply to your response, I will offer ample warning that my feelings and opinions are not going to be very warm and fuzzy. If you make the choice to read my reply, any discomfort (anger, rage, etc.) will be your own responsibility as I'm making it perfectly clear that my reply may not be what you want to read.

Your concerns are valid insomuch as there is very little consistency between your originally posted issues and a nearly-rabid defense of this fellow. Whether you choose to marry or not will come down to what you are willing to tolerate, settle with, etc.

To announce, "Like I've said in previous posts I've been through more than most people will go through in a lifetime. And I hate to sound negative." That, my dear, is where you are dead wrong - some of the responses that may surface in this thread will curl your hair and I, for one, am choosing not to rehash my personal experiences in a vain attempt to force some humility, here. We have ALL been through hell - otherwise, we wouldn't be visiting a site that focuses on physical, emotional, and spiritual healing. You do sound negative, whether you hate to do so, or not. You are asking for opinions and suggestions and balking at honest attempts to assist. That's like screaming about drowning and pushing away the life-ring when it's being thrown into your hands.

"He is my best friend, we talk and laugh and I'm thinking we can go to couples counsling for some other things." Apparently he isn't your best friend and, yes, you could go to premarital counseling if he's willing to do so and you both attend with complete honesty, EVEN if it hurts. I will gently point out that I do not believe that a good relationship takes hard work - that's absolute b.s. and a social cop-out. It takes hard work to make a self-sufficient, self-assured individual who is comfortable enough with the core of their own being to choose a like-minded partner and build a strong relationship on a firm foundation of trust, honesty, integrity, encouragement, and support. THAT is what takes work: mending the Self. Do couples argue? YES! And, disagreement is the spice of life - it's HOW we express our disagreement that determines whether the discussion will be enlightening or damaging. Do people make mistakes? YES!!! Of course, they do! Should we forgive and forget? It depends upon how many times a person is expected to forgive and forget the same offense, over and over.

Each and every one of us has made errors of judgement in choosing a partner, at one time or another. Some of us were sharp enough to avoid entering into the LEGAL, BINDING CONTRACT of marriage, while others of us (me, included) chose to marry a monster despite screaming, flapping red flags. For those of us who made that error (via blindness, desperation, or plain stupidity), we paid the cost of that mistake with mind, body, and soul. You will make your choices, regardless of any warning signs because you are bound and determined to force it to work, even if some of the crucial pieces of the machine are missing. Keep in mind, it takes a scant 5 minutes in a civil ceremony to be united as man and wife. In some States, it can take over 5 years to dissolve a toxic, dangerous, risky, and hopeless union. And, the collateral damage in a divorce is not the parties directly involved - it is the children who pay the ultimate price for our stupidity. THEY are the ones who will suffer the consequences of our mistakes because they do not have a choice while we adults DO.

Finally, the "negative" responses that you have read from some of the older, wiser Survivors from the School of Life's Hard Knocks are not, in any way, attempting to hurt your feelings, damn your determination, or curse your relationship. Rather, they are seeing the forest from the hilltop and not from beind the single trunk of one tree. They have, to use your words, "...been through more than most people will go through in a lifetime..." and some barely managed to escape with their lives. They seem "negative" because, as a result of their personal Survival, they have learned that Truth is sometimes uncomfortable, and mean no harm or offense by typing what they can clearly see.

You have my best wishes in your personal journey toward healing and light, and I sincerely hope that you will use your past experiences as a guide to the Path of Wisdom.