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Urbangirl50, I am sorry for this dreadful unrest within your family.
You typed, "I visit my mom but it hurts a lot cuz no one recognized what happened in light of trying to share my feelings. I hate to cut off my mom but I am not sure what else to do. I have done lots of counselling and have been brought to the place where I need to protect myself. Thoughts?" I am not certain that I clearly understand what you're asking for, though you mentioend that you felt that you needed advice. If you feel that you need validation, you have the power to provide that to yourself with calm and careful contemplation - sitting with whatever the issues are and removing the emotions and feelings from the facts, as they are.
The whole dynamic of this situation is extraordinarily toxic - exes marrying former in-laws, and a parent ignoring the ill deeds of an adult offspring......all very toxic, at the least. That your mother's "best friend" is someone who is an entire generation away from her isn't healthy, whatsoever, and the fact that this individual is her former daughter-in-law is even more toxic to all parties involved. Is your father involved in this, at all? Is there a history of toxic dynamics in this family? With that, I'm asking if there are relatives with behavioral disorders or mental illnesses, addictive personalities, etc......reviewing the whole family dynamics back for a couple of generations can often shed some very intense light on what was passed along through DNA, and what was taught through the choices and behaviors of predecessors. This brother that was married to your mother's "best friend" duped you in a business deal? Where is he in all of this? Is he out of the picture or is he the darling of the family? What are his issues? Are there any children being dragged through this mess? There are too many details to consider in this debacle, and it is really not necessary for you to actually answer any of the questions that I've put forth. The questions are meant for you to consider. So, please, don't feel that you need to answer them - just think about the truthful answers, yourself, and how those facts apply to you and your emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental well-being.
"...have been brought to the place where I need to protect myself..." is statement enough, don't you think? I don't know what "lots of counselling" means in terms of time and frequency, so it might be a very wise option to contemplate returning to your counselor and process this mess with him/her. Whatever caused you to seek counseling in the first place is likely rooted in family dynamics, as so many issues typically are, and those issues still exist, and the dynamics will always be present. If "family" is toxic, then your counselor will help guide you to making sound and wise decisions for your own health and safety. It is actually possible to interact with toxic individuals without becoming their pawns or source targets. Practicing this is a whole personal aspect within itself - it's demanding, draining, and can be dangerous if we're not continually working on ourselves to progress.
As a strict aside, I grew up in a dysfunctional family and developed extremely unhealthy emotional issues and methods of coping. It took a number of years meeting twice each week with a counselor to begin sorting out my own personal issues that caused me to choose 2 very, very unhealthy marriage partners, as well as a host of "friends" that were also unhealthy for me. Doing "the work" to establish personal boundaries and redefining my systems of beliefs has taken a great deal of time, effort, and more time and effort.
Whatever you choose to do to make and keep yourself "safe" from toxic individuals will be what you probably need to do. Making those choices with the guidance of an objective counseling therapist is really a huge assist - there are no emotions or connections involved with the counselor, and they are able to see the "big picture" much better than we can.
Brightest blessings to you on your journey.
I have some suggestions, but not real answers.
Giving Love to your children seems like a good idea. There may be some other steps:
If you suspect that your Ex is using infromation about you, against you, then one strategy could be to minimize the information that you share with her.
There are at least two modes of deliberate alienation. One mode is opportunistic, but not real deliberate and dedicated.
The other Alientation mode is deliberately going out of her way to find information about you, and go out of her way to concoct confabulations, to alienate you from others.
So a Goal I use, is to avoid giving Alienators, any more information than absolutely necessary, so that the alienator has less to work with. A good day is when I have not shot myself in the foot.
Similarly, if you let the Alienator know that you are wise to her alienation tactics, or otherwise confromt the alienator, you will set the true alienator into going out of her way to alienate you. Ordinary people respond well to confrontation. True Alienators take confrontation as a threat. So a good day is when you have resisted all the temptations to tell off your Ex.
Since you have an idea that your ex is alienating your kids, and you have acess to your children, you want to follow the above rules with your chldren. Don't let on that you are on to your Ex.
You may have an idea of what your Ex is twisting the truth to alienate you. So you can take time to explain issues that might lead to alienation with your children. Secondly, you can take time to ask them about any issues that the might have questions about, or might like to more fully understand. Take time for silence to bring up subjects that your children may have burried.
Have some logical values, and solution oriented reasoning jotted down over the weeks between seeing your children, and be ready with explanation of ehtical issues that may have arisen, so you can present your side. You may not remember to bring up the issues, and you might assume that your wife gave your side a fair presentation. Going over issues from the near past may help your children to raise false impressions left by your Ex alienator.
If you keep a log of deliberate falsehood used by your Ex, you may be able to persuade a judge, or a therapist making a recommendation to a judge, that changes in visitation of custody are needed. I have heard of court orders that instruct the parents to refrain from criticzing the other parent. So be sure you are not guilty, in retaliating in kind to your Ex.
It is possible that a court order, or maybe in conjunction with counseling for your Ex, might produce some results.
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