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This message had been posted a number of times over the years, and it's always helpful to anyone who might be confused or living within the environment of abuse and domestic violence. Just because special holidays or milestones come up does not mean that an abuser's promise to "change" or "get better" is going to come to fruition. It won't.
https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=796401
Read on:
"'Tis the Season for victims of abuse, narcissism, and/or sociopathy to be WARY. Holidays are the perfect time for an abuser to act out with impugnity - he/she has the excuse of being stressed, under the proverbial gun, and being financially "strapped." All of these ingredients bake up for serious trouble, to be sure.
In my case, the days preceding whatever event were peppered with a lot of withold/reward episodes, especially with regard to the children. For example, my abuser would say (behind closed doors, of course), "If you don't get your parents to help us pay for Christmas, the kids won't have anything to open!" Or, another favorite was, "You aren't 'authorized' to use the checkbook. I earn the money that goes into that account." Under that directive, we went several Holidays without what I would consider to be a proper Thanksgiving or Christmas meal. I mean, come on! Hot dogs for Christmas? Knowing the numerous facets of abuse finally helped me to recognize what a codependant victim I had become! Spiritual, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, religious, and verbal abuse all have one thing in common: dehumanizing the victim. And, I experienced all of the above symptoms to one degree or another for well over a decade until I realized that I was too fearful to commit suicide, and that I didn't want to murder my abuser and leave my kids without a parent.
"But, what about the children? They shouldn't have to see their father/mother taken off by the cops on Christmas!" is a typical response of denial. Children absorb everything that they are exposed to: music, art, poetry, beatings, verbal abuse, denial, etc. What they observe in their family dynamics is what they will equate to normality. If not for one's Self, the victims of abuse must take a proactive step to safeguard innocent lives that had no choice in whom their parents would be. In addition, a child will recognize that abusive behavior will not be tolerated.
"But, I love him/her and he/she loves me!" is another response that is not only typical, but textbook (my case, included!). No, an abuser does not, DOES NOT, DOES NOT love their victims. The abuser only loves one thing: control, control, and more control over his/her property. And, those qualities that the victims fell in love with never existed - the kind, caring, giving person that seemed to exist was a facade intended to reel in the unsuspecting victim. To the abuser, the victim holds no more meaning than any other object - the victim is equated to property (and, this is NOT flattering, folks), much like a straw that one places in a fast-food drink.
Be aware of the reward/withold tactic. If your partner starts to exhibit a more-than-usual level of glee with regard to your emotional discomfort, be very, very wary - he/she is setting the stage for a round of abuse that could possibly end in violence. If the violence starts, CALL THE COPS! Pack your stuff, your kids' stuff, and call a family member (if your partner hasn't managed to isolate you from them, yet), and get to a safe place, whether it's a friend, family member, or shelter. No matter what promises that the abuser makes in an attempt to draw back his/her victim(s), they must not be taken as bond - I know this from personal experience. Once the victim goes back, the situation may be smooth for a week or month, but once there's an opportunity to further dehumanize and objectify the victim, whatever abuse that the victim was experiencing prior to leaving will become much worse, more violent, and extend to the children (if it hasn't, already). If you are planning on leaving, make your plans in absolute secret and contact your local Social Services office, ASAP (from a pay phone, if necessary) - they will be able to direct you to safe housing, employment opportunities, and priceless counseling. They will also be able to put you in contact with Legal Aid and/or attorneys that specialize in abuse cases. The abuse counselors will be able to prepare the survivor for what they can expect from the abuser and how to prepare.
Best wishes of the Season to all out there, particularly those who are living in fear, misery, and hopelessness. There is a better space of peace and self-assurance, and ridding myself of the denial was the first step to surviving and healing. God bless!"
Madsheila, I'm sorry that you're discovering this at this point of your life. But, this is what typically happens when people get to a specific point and finally begin doing some self-examination.
If you're unhappy in your marriage, it may be an option to speak to someone that could provide some objective insight.
Been there, did it, got out, lost everything, gained everything that's important, and I'm firmly on my Healing Path.
If fear is a great presence in decision-making, it is 100% rooted in the codependency and probably requires the help of a mature, trained, and licensed professional. Childhood traumas and family dysfunction are typically what cause codependency, in the first place. Those subjects are very challenging to confront and manage.
Hi to everyone!
I have just joined and I'm really impressed with the quality of people who trade ideas here. I did something today, and really hope someone might read about it.
I am 27, and my girlfriend is 30. For the past six years we had a relationship going, however today, I asked to break up, and left no doubt that this is a final decision.
Our relationship passed many hurdles. From the six years, the six months I had been living in a different city. Afterwards, for 1 1/2 more years, I served in the mandatory army of my country, seeing my girlfriend like once every two months. But again the relationship was alive. For the past 4 years, we lived in the same city but at different houses, she lived with her sister, and I lived with roommates at a different house, however we slept together every night, and parted in the morning to go to our jobs.
Sounds romantic? But today we broke up with my initiative, and this came as a complete shock to her.
Why? Well we had much good stuff going together. I really think that if you asked her, she would say that we had the perfect relationship; we never argued about anything, there was never any jealousness between us, we talked about everything, and had sex almost every night.
Me? Well the above are true, and I also believe that she loved me very much - maybe too much. She called me like 5 times a day, not because she was jealous or anything but because I felt she really wanted to talk to me. I felt also very secure.
But the truth is that ever since I met her, always a bell was ringing in the back of my head, telling me that this was not the girl of my life. This did not happen in my previous relationships. After a lot of thought today, I compiled the reasons that I felt this way:
I had told her even on the first year we were a couple, and after that 2-3 times during our six year relationship that I did not really think that she was the girl I would spend the rest of my life with; However every time we talked about this, she said: "no problem, let's go on and see - without thinking about the future". This made me have the logic: "So this X thing with her bothers me - so what, it's not like I'm going to be with her for life. I'll just ignore it now". Actually this is how six years managed to go by!
All the above things about her character, I believe created non-essential but never the less important problems:
So this morning I asked her to split up without any special cause but for the reasons of all these little things I hated about her. And don't get the idea that I had not changed parts of myself; I did. I changed a million habits to be with her. I can give you a huge list of what I changed on myself, however here is the most important: I relocated myself from the city my family lives to the city she lives (300 miles distance) and has her lousy job (on the other hand, my job allows me to relocate to any city I want to, so I'll be moving back to my family soon after 10 years).
Again this was a very tough decision, because a part of me really loved her and still does, and that is why I am very depressed about this decision. But God, don't I deserve something better? This is the question in my mind. Am I too picky? Have I lost someone that truly loved me?
Special note to Ronin: Ronin I read the amazing thread on you case
about a month ago (http://curezone.com/forums/m.asp?f=328&i=989)
and I'm stunned at the similarities. I read what you wrote, and I actually felt
sometimes that I was writing! I also feel that I have deserted a women that
should already have had children. I am really interested in hearing how you
are doing.
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