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Just dumped my girlfriend after 6 years. Did I do well?
PatraMan Views: 35,799
Published: 17 years ago

Just dumped my girlfriend after 6 years. Did I do well?

Hi to everyone!

I have just joined and I'm really impressed with the quality of people who trade ideas here. I did something today, and really hope someone might read about it.

I am 27, and my girlfriend is 30. For the past six years we had a relationship going, however today, I asked to break up, and left no doubt that this is a final decision.

Our relationship passed many hurdles. From the six years, the six months I had been living in a different city. Afterwards, for 1 1/2 more years, I served in the mandatory army of my country, seeing my girlfriend like once every two months. But again the relationship was alive. For the past 4 years, we lived in the same city but at different houses, she lived with her sister, and I lived with roommates at a different house, however we slept together every night, and parted in the morning to go to our jobs.

Sounds romantic? But today we broke up with my initiative, and this came as a complete shock to her.

Why? Well we had much good stuff going together. I really think that if you asked her, she would say that we had the perfect relationship; we never argued about anything, there was never any jealousness between us, we talked about everything, and had sex almost every night.

Me? Well the above are true, and I also believe that she loved me very much - maybe too much. She called me like 5 times a day, not because she was jealous or anything but because I felt she really wanted to talk to me. I felt also very secure.

But the truth is that ever since I met her, always a bell was ringing in the back of my head, telling me that this was not the girl of my life. This did not happen in my previous relationships. After a lot of thought today, I compiled the reasons that I felt this way:

  1. The attitude she had for life was completely different than mine. She saw things fatalistically and never tried to improve anything - or expected a deus ex machina solution.
  2. It seemed that she really did not love herself. Everything that she did for herself came after my initiative.
  3. She could lose her patience very easily, transported stress from her work and externalised her problems to an excessive degree. On the contrary I consider a good qualification if a person faces alone his problems. I'm not implying keeping everything to yourself, but nagging and asking pity from people that cannot help is different.
  4. She was very polite to people that she did not know well, but often cursed them behind their back because she thought they caused them her problems. On the contrary she spoke often badly and made a lot of criticism to people close to her.
  5. I believe that the incredible attachment to her sister (my girlfriend did everything for her sister, from groceries to looking for a job, friends and boyfriend for her) showed how she would behave to her children later. I think they would not respect her and would not have any appetite for effort.
  6. Complete lack of desire to go out with friends or make new friends; It's amazing but she really never once went out with her girlfriends, only with her sister. Only we went out together (and usually her sister came along!).
  7. Fear for small changes. Panic for big changes. Life full of routines.
  8. Superstitions she had, which I considered extremely stupid.
  9. No desire to take up new hobbies, read books or conquer any new knowledge.

I had told her even on the first year we were a couple, and after that 2-3 times during our six year relationship that I did not really think that she was the girl I would spend the rest of my life with; However every time we talked about this, she said: "no problem, let's go on and see - without thinking about the future". This made me have the logic: "So this X thing with her bothers me - so what, it's not like I'm going to be with her for life. I'll just ignore it now". Actually this is how six years managed to go by!

All the above things about her character, I believe created non-essential but never the less important problems:

  1. Routine in our schedule and at sex.
  2. I considered that she had a bad appearance and for this reason I was anguished she went to the gym, eat low cal food etc (actually we both went together, and I recommended to her what we should eat, and often cooked).
  3. Nuisance for the fact that she was 3 years older.
  4. I would really have wanted to agree on more daily things, although I really did make a lot of compromises.\
  5. I wished she would take more care of herself; For example, up until she was the age of 29, she never ever had gone to a gynaecologist. I set up an appointment and convinced her to go. I also selected the clothes she should wear.
  6. Anguish for whether she would continue after marriage many things I had convinced her to do, like for example exercising, quitting smoking, etc.

So this morning I asked her to split up without any special cause but for the reasons of all these little things I hated about her. And don't get the idea that I had not changed parts of myself; I did. I changed a million habits to be with her. I can give you a huge list of what I changed on myself, however here is the most important: I relocated myself from the city my family lives to the city she lives (300 miles distance) and has her lousy job (on the other hand, my job allows me to relocate to any city I want to, so I'll be moving back to my family soon after 10 years).

Again this was a very tough decision, because a part of me really loved her and still does, and that is why I am very depressed about this decision. But God, don't I deserve something better? This is the question in my mind. Am I too picky? Have I lost someone that truly loved me?

Special note to Ronin: Ronin I read the amazing thread on you case about a month ago ( and I'm stunned at the similarities. I read what you wrote, and I actually felt sometimes that I was writing! I also feel that I have deserted a women that should already have had children. I am really interested in hearing how you are doing.


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