Christian advice for helping my husb... 
#23813
17 y
5,391
I wanted some Christian advice so I am posting this here. Below is a response that I posted later to someone's advice. It might fill in some blanks and adds more questions. Thanks so much for any advice/ encouragement...... Background: we both grew up in christian churches and kind of went astray. We've been trying to find a church to go to and trying to think things through to get our lives right with God for our own sakes and our childrens.....
My hubby and I have been together for 5 years. We have 2 children and I am 7 months pregnant with our 3rd. Since we have been together, he has had an addiction to porn. When we were dating I'd watch it with him, but that was the rule, I had to be there. Then I found out he used it a lot without me and we had several arguments/discussions about it. I thought and hoped he was doing better but woke up this morning to him on the computer. He did not lie about it like he used to a year ago (the last time I caught him sneaking it), but it still hurts that he looks at it. ** He doesnt watch porno videos. I dont think I would care as much if it were that because seeing 2 people having sex gets me off too. He just looks at pictures of naked women and THAT is what hurts and makes me mad!!** It makes me sad because I am fat and pregnant and he gets off looking at these hot girls. He knows how I feel and I know he doesnt look at it to hurt me intentionally. I know its an addiction..... I am the horniest person ever. I love having sex and he finishes every time so I know it feels good for him. I dont get why he would rather look at pictures then get the real thing. I want to help him break this. I know he doesnt like sneaking around, because I could tell by his reaction this morning. It scared the crap out of him that he was caught. I dont want to be like his mom, I dont want to scare him or be mad at him. I dont want him to feel like he owes me because I have something on him. I just want him to stop and I want to help if I can. ANY ADVICE????
Please dont send me anything saying "leave your husband" and please dont send me anything saying "whats your problem? its not a big deal". It is a big deal to me; it has been from the beginning. I am just sensetive and dont want other women getting the attention that should be reserved for me. And my husband is the best guy in the world other than this flaw. He is the best dad, he is the hardest worker, he gives up his weekends to help people out, he lets me buy whatever I want even though he doesnt make the most money, he lets me stay home with the kids because I dont want to leave them to work.... he is so sweet. I would not leave him over this but I want him to be satisfied and I dont want my feelings hurt.
Thanks.....
Ok, Im young, and obviously don't have all the answers; thats why I came on here asking. I didnt want someone to write a one-liner "leave him" because that wouldnt be of any help to me. And Yes I dont want my feelings hurt, but I do want to help him and if that means I have to do something, I'd like to try to do it.
Ok my responses:
Paragraph 3: So I have to get some self confidence so that I can be more visual for him? There has to be a "root problem" that has a solution, cant there?
4: Because people can have orgasms with anyone, does that mean that it's not special even though its with me? Does this mean his isn't satisfied with me? How am I supposed to change this? In my opinion, we dont have sex enough. It's like once every three weeks. But he works in construction. Busting his butt in the cold and heat and I can see that he is worn out and tired when he gets home. But we do have a mutual loving relationship. We are both supportive and encouraging. I am honest and he is about everything except for the porn obviously.
5: I don't know if what I wrote came out the wrong way, but my point was my husband is wonderful. There are some men, that make their wives work when they would rather stay home with their kids. There are some men that work, and keep all the money and not let their wives go out or spend anything. There are some men that tell their wives they dont want more children and that's that. There are men and verbal and physically abuse their women. I've seen these men on tv and I've seen them from neighbors and other people I knew in the past. They exist. And my husband is not one of them. My husband makes $30,000 a year, and with a mortgage and car payment, regular bills and 2 children, that is not a lot of money. And I never have to ask to buy anything. If we don't have the money, I dont have to ask if I can charge it. I can go out if I want to, buy something if I want it, etc. There are some dead beat dads that are just too lazy to spend time with their kids. My husband wrestles with the boys and watches super hero movies with them, pushes them on the swings, and teaches them about the moon and rockets. I dont get what "Narcissist/Sociopath Forum" comment means.
6: Our oldest is 3 and we would never discuss this in front of him. My husband looks at this on the internet in secret, never in front of anyone, especially our 3 yr old. We watched movies together 5 years ago when we were dating, but we don't have them in the house anymore. What does this comment mean: "The preoccupation with sex as the core of your relationship is unfortunate and will influence your own children as to how to choose an appropriate partner." Is it wrong for me to like sex with my husband? He's gorgeous and he's the father of my children. I love him. He is a wonderful man and I am lucky to have him. I guess I'm thinking that he has an addiction that he needs help with and I'm trying to be supportive and help him. If it were alcohol or drugs, the same thing would be required of me. It hurts me more because it's personal; it's other naked women. In my mind, maybe not to others though, hes having a mental affair and I want him to be faithful to me. We do have a good relationship/marriage together. I just think it could be better and I'd like to aim for that goal.
What do you think? I wouldnt mind counseling but I dont even know what to say. And we really dont have any extra money right now with a new baby on the way....
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- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... GrannyCat
17 y
4,897
MoreThis is a reply to # 884,053Yes, it IS an addiction that he has, just like gambling, booze, drugs, etc. I know there are many Christian websites than offer help for you and for him and for you both. He obviously knows how much this hurts you yet doesn't care, since he continues to do this. Addictions are like that....strongholds that need upROOTed.
If it were me, I would get lots of advice and help online as you are doing, although you really need to get advice from folks who are Christian AND who know about this stuff. One that comes to mind is
http://www.sexaddict.com/.
Pray hard, pray that God leads you to a church fast, you need the accountability AND the fellowship of other Christians. Be prepared to let God deal with your husband and don't interfer with what God does. God can set your husband free of this and change his heart. God can deal in places we can't reach. Your husband can still refuse to give this up, but God can certainly make him wish he would!
It might mean making some tough choices, too. Removing the computer/internet from your house. Giving him an ultimatim "get help or we are separating until you do" or "I will not allow any more porn in our house" or something like that. You need to protect your children from porn too.
Finally, the closer you both are to God the less you'll desire sin and the things of this world. Find a good spirit filled Bible believing church as soon as you can and start going even if he doesn't at first. YOU need support, fellowship and prayer now and through what will happen as you go through this valley.
That's my two cents for what it's worth. I pray you'll find the help you need quickly! I also pray for God to give your hubby a wake up call, to give him dreams and visions of heaven OR hell, to rock his world, to manifest Himself in a major way to your husband until he is radically in love with Jesus!
Blessings! - Re: Christian advice for helping my ... krupaclassy
17 y
6,610
R
This is a reply to # 884,053We went through this ourselves, both of us were addicted. So what happened? We stared by asking the obvious question, "how is what we do glorifying God?"
Since this one question our lives have been reformed immensely!
Asking this opened us up, made us vulnerable, and let Him come in and do that which we could not do of ourselves. I know most Christians are aware of the Beatitudes, but just like the 613 "commandments" the Jewish have to live "up to", we were supposed to find that we could never live up to this standard, since we are humans and are pretty weak. Trying to fix anything on our own abilities usually leaves us wanting something else to fill the void. This is why Jesus and God have to be our doctors.
Some background from the bible here, look at the verse Revelation 3:21, for this is where Jesus and God want us. Seven times, we are called priests and kings unto God in the bible. Exo. 19;4-6; 1 Peter 2:5 and 2:9; Rev. 1:6; 5:10; 20:6; and 22:5.
See yourself in your prayers as whole and happy, and your husband as well. When Jesus and God do the fixing, you will not feel the lack or the draw that held those in bondage.
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- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... #77203
17 y
5,265
This is a reply to # 884,053Maybe I am missing something, but watching erotic pictures (you say he mostly watches pictures of girls - that's not porn is it?) is not exactly an addiction, even if he is doing it in secrecy. He wouldn't be doing it in secrecy if you were accepting of him, would he?
I feel a strongly critical tone in your text. You also mention that you don't have sex with him that often (once every three weeks is very rare for a new couple). Could those two be related? Is there something that your husband craves in your relationship that he can only find in fantasies? Girls in picture can't criticize. And criticism is the best way to kill any sexual desire there is. Imagine if someone told you - wow you have a big butt... See what I mean? Same with - I can't believe you are watching porno pictures... I didn't quite see what your exact reaction was to that, and if you ever talked to him about it, but from "He just looks at pictures of naked women and THAT is what hurts and makes me mad!!** I can see that he certainly can at least feel your anger.
Would Jesus Christ criticize someone who is looking at sexy pictures, someone who is not doing it to hurt you? No. Lust does weaken a person, but one can lust even after his own wife, and it doesn't look like you'd be upset about that.
A Christian thing to do is to first of all accept what he is doing. You can only change things that you understand, and only things that you understand you can accept. Right now you don't understand what is going on, so maybe you two need to get closer together. A husband and wife should be the best friends in the world, with no secrets between them, and absolute understanding for each others mistakes, no matter how "big" they are.
Love and understanding that only goes as far as our own shortcomings allow them to go - like jealousy, anger, criticism - is not real love or understanding. There is a lot to learn from this experience for both of you.
If you were to really accept him, and understand that he wouldn't do it if he weren't missing something, the problem would go away.
If he is really "addicted" to porn (which I don't see from your text), then a little help from a therapist could go a long way. But believe me, no man who has a loving, understanding and sexy wife will care to spend time looking at sexy pictures of other women.
Last but not least: religious beliefs are most often used to control people. If you read what Jesus said carefully, you'd see that he always helped FREE people from their own chains of illusions they were living. Do not ever use Christianity to try and enslave another. Help them see the light, show them a better way, but NEVER condemn or judge another. God can judge, and only God. We are not to judge.
"There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it doesn't behoove any of us to talk about the rest of us."
It would be much better to talk about this problem from the point of YOUR feelings about it, rather then - "he is doing something bad, how to I make him stop."
You don't have to label a behaviour as bad to have a right to be hurt!
You have a right to tell him - hey, it really bothers me that you are doing that. But before I ask you to stop, I'd like to understand both why you are doing it, and why is it bothering me so much. Do you mind talking about it?
See the difference?
God loves him even with his "addiction" and is not judging him. Try to do the same.- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... Alikat
17 y
4,865
This is a reply to # 898,448
>>>Would Jesus Christ criticize someone who is looking at sexy pictures, someone who is not doing it to hurt you?<<<
Actually, Jesus already spoke regarding looking at other women:
Matt. 5:13 "but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart".
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoralYou make many valid points in much of what you say, but this is not the best forum to express the idea that religions are used to control people. Whether there are "religious" people or not who use religion, or anything else to control people, as manipulative and controling people will use whatever excuse is at hand, does not make the goal of religions or believers to be controling. It's obvious that this couple needs some serious counseling, and there needs to be much improvement on both sides to make things work. But as things go, her concern is not "unchristian", and ultimately, God judges ALL unconfessed and unrepented sin.
The subject of judging is often misunderstood by those who do not understand Christianity. We may not be allowed to impose ultimate judgement upon anyone, and that is certainly God's prerogative. However, we are clearly told to judge "fruit", or the consequences or results of other's and our actions. The book of Proverbs alone is full of advice on wisdom and knowing when to stay away from harmful things or people.
So, what did you expect? This IS the Biblical Christianity Support forum, ya know?
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- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... #77203
17 y
4,834
This is a reply to # 898,472>>>Would Jesus Christ criticize someone who is looking at sexy pictures, someone who is not doing it to hurt you?<<<
Actually, Jesus already spoke regarding looking at other women:
Matt. 5:13 "but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart".
**********************************************************
Thanks for quoting the Bible, I too am aware of that part. I read it quit regularly. However, the qoute is about LUST and about the fact that even when lusting only in one's mind, without physical contact, one is commiting an adultery.
What I was writing about was CRITICISM. I did also say in my text that lust is not good, regardless of who one is lusting after.
Jesus opened our eyes to the problem of lust, he however, did not feel enraged or critical of people doing it.
Hence, truly Christian thing to do in this case is to understand and help rather then use Bible to criticize someone. Bible is there to open our eyes to some important truths, not to be used as a guide "when it's ok to condemn another person". - Re: Christian advice for helping my ... #77203
17 y
5,023
This is a reply to # 898,472One other point I forgot to mention:
"...everyone who looks at a woman with lust..."
Notice it doesn't say "pictures of uknown girls who one does not lust after". He doesn't know those girls (most likely) and does not lust after them (most likely).
If he was to lust after some known women, my opinion would be exact opposite.
This way he may as well draw a picture of a naked imaginary girl; would that be the same as lust after a women that lives in his neighborhood?- Huh?.... Alikat
17 y
4,812
This is a reply to # 898,715Advertisement
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”I was surprised by the effectiveness of it, and I wasn’t hungry.”
And what in the world is another reason to be looking at pictures of naked women other than lust, may I ask?
I'm amazed, how can you draw such a disparate analogy? If the drawing was one of his wife, a Dali of sorts, then I would be impressed with his artistry. But that's silly.
Frankly 77203, what really surprises me is that in the Relationship forum I have gone as far as praising your posts for their sensible and clear headed perspective. You seem to have abandoned all solidity and sound reason momentarily on this forum.
But speaking of perspective, this is not the Relationship forum, this is the Biblical forum. People who come here looking for advice are wanting an answer from a Biblical perspective. When I answer posts on the relationship forum, I never throw Biblical responses or verses at anyone, unless they specifically mention that they are Christians and publicly profess belief in the Bible. Even then, I keep it low key, simply because I know the rules of the website and because I don't expect people who are not believers, or who have a different religion, to follow, like or understand Biblical principles.
I could flood this post with scores of Bible cut and pastes to prove the whole point to you, except that I'm more concerned with the original poster getting some answers for her situation than trying to convince you. Fact is that there are many scriptures that offer guidance into the nature of purity, and specially in a marriage. The Bible even instructs couples not to abstain from each other for any length of time except briefly in order to fast and pray. In addition, this exception is conditional, requiring mutual consent, otherwise as it points out, the desires of the one deprived could lead them to sin. This would clearly indicates that spouses are not to deny physical union to the other, nor should a spouse seek any form of sexual gratification outside of their partner. It is disingenuous to imply that looking at girly pictures is only for aesthetic reasons and does not include extramarital lust.
These are not MY opinions, that is the Bible, plain and simple, not a whole lot of brainstorming and hairsplitting involved in that. It's the reason so many people hate it, although everyone has the free will to take it or leave it. I have heard in the grapevine, the Bible is considered a "hate book" in Canada, and I know many here think of it as such as well.... *sigh*
The Bible can be read as an inspirational book, as literature, as an ancient book of curiosities, or as an appendage to other books, but none of thes methods will bring benefit to the spirit. In order for that to happen the reading has to be Spirit led and Spirit guided, and things of the Spirit can only be spiritually discerned.- Re: Huh?.... #77203
17 y
4,861
This is a reply to # 899,007"Frankly 77203, what really surprises me is that in the Relationship forum I have gone as far as praising your posts for their sensible and clear headed perspective. You seem to have abandoned .........."
This is where I stop reading these kind of "answers"
Notice that my opinions are mine, and have nothing to do with you personaly.
Every time I see a sentence starting with "You" I know that person has an axe to grind... not an opinion to share.- Nope, I have absolutely no axes to g... Alikat
17 y
4,875
This is a reply to # 899,870
All right, I'll make it plain enough. Your response to the original poster was totally unbiblical. This being the Biblical Support forum, it's incongruent with Biblical principles. Same as going to the Iodine support forum and insisting that every bottle of Lugol's ought to carry a little skull and bones symbol in the front, as a warning of the possible dangers of ingesting iodine. The post would be removed in the blink of an eye. That's it.
And by the way, I have no reason to assume that your opinions are a direct affront to me personally.Advertisement
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”I was surprised by the effectiveness of it, and I wasn’t hungry.”
- Nope, I have absolutely no axes to g... Alikat
17 y
4,875
- Re: Huh?.... #77203
17 y
4,861
- Huh?.... Alikat
17 y
4,812
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... #77203
17 y
4,834
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... GrannyCat
17 y
4,570
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... #77203
17 y
4,795
This is a reply to # 898,698In what way is your response "Christian"?
Or are you just trolling around?- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... GrannyCat
17 y
4,540
This is a reply to # 898,893You are trying to justify sin and make it acceptable.
Wrong forum. This is not debatable!
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... GrannyCat
17 y
4,540
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... #77203
17 y
4,795
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... been there done that
17 y
4,592
This is a reply to # 898,44877203,
Did you ever notice that you continuously rationalize (justify your own agenda)?
Whatever your secret agenda is (critical controversy maybe?), you wouldn't have to try so hard, or at all, if it was just. However, everything is not all about you.
This thread is about the concerns of the original poster (wife's agenda, remember?).
Why should the wife feel guilty or ashamed for what the husband does?
"He wouldn't be doing it in secrecy if you were accepting of him, would he?".
The wife has nothing to feel guilty about, she didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to do anything. Realizing this is called "reality". The "critical tone" that you FELT in her text was of your own choosing and I wouldn't imagine the Creator of the universe EVER having any opinion at all about "sexy pictures". She didn't force him to make the "big" ['accidental'?] MISTAKE, he made the decision to look at porn all by himself (notice the guilty party made this "MISTAKE").
I realize God never made a command that we shouldn't attack other people, He decided to leave that up to each one of us. TRUE Christianity is not about COMMANDS, it's about the agenda of your heart...and the reason you keep that agenda SECRET (hiding in darkness) is so you don't have to admit to having it (but God brings everything into the light and shows it for what it really is (he reveals [creates] evil when there was thought to be none, Isaiah 45:7, KJV).
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... #77203
17 y
4,821
This is a reply to # 898,925Did you ever notice that you continuously rationalize (justify your own agenda)?
No, because that's not what I am doing. But I did notice that about you though...
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... #77203
17 y
4,821
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... Alikat
17 y
4,865
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... Charly
17 y
4,557
This is a reply to # 884,053I agree with the first two replies. I would like to add that this is his addiction, and it's not based on anything that you did or did not do.
He sounds like a great person in so many ways. He really needs to get help with this one way or another. If he can't stop, it is an addiction.
Addictions make people lose respect for themselves. If he doesn't turn away from it, it will be very distructive to him. Porn eventually interfers with normal relationships, sometimes, causing a person to not be able to have normal sex at all.
You are right to be concerned. If he could see it for the distructive thing it is he wouldn't want to do it. It could ruin your family.Advertisement
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- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... soma
17 y
4,724
This is a reply to # 884,053I am inspirored by your love and devotion to your husband and family. Your husband must be a good man and he is fortunate that he has your support to help him change. We can change our lives by becoming aware of our unity with an infinite God and the infinite possibilities that await us, but first, every new stage in life requires us to part from the previous one. In this case focusing the mind on higher things. Childhood gives rise to youth as it develops into adulthood. After a temporary stay our minds expand doing away with ignorance in order to approach God where the only medium between our minds and God's pure consciousness is our thoughts. As we bring ourselves to a greater consciousness, positive life affirming beliefs are accepted and negative thoughts and problems disappear as we express more love, peace, joy, wisdom and harmony with everything that flows unceasingly from God, but many hesitate to venture into the unknown. They tend to cling to the familiar in life, even if they are not happy. Talk to your husband and ask him how he feels after his experiences. Do not condemn, but empower him to leave the experience if it is not rewarding. http://thinkunity.com
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... GrannyCat
17 y
4,481
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... been there done that
17 y
4,699
This is a reply to # 901,539One of the personal benefits of having the ability to actually feel compassion for others is that it keeps your mind (not just heart) in touch with reality. Being able to feel genuine compassion and sorrow about another person's misfortunes prevents "pseudo-rationality". Because of it's hypnotic effect, I realize it works for you somo, but it was disrespectful and inconsiderate to the original poster that was seeking effective and practical help, not fairy tale poetry.
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... been there done that
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- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... GrannyCat
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- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... #86742 17 y 4,646
- Re: Christian advice for helping my ... GrannyCat
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