Ok so here's the deal. my mom is completely out of control. she has been checking herself in and out of mental hospitals over the last month. she has been on a downward spiral since she turned 40 (9 years ago)and it's not getting better. she has the classic life "victim" scenario running right now.

She cuts but she doesn't really hide it. she's more like a "poor me, look what i've done" promoter of the bad things she is doing to herself. she walks(shuffles) around moaning the whole way as if she is 85 and on the verge of death. she makes a production of her sadness and i've just about had it!!! I'm a survivor of childhood physical abuse and she is also a survivor of this same abuse. About 10 years ago she moved in with her new fiance which is now her soon to be ex-husband. they moved in together because there was a fire in her apartment. this fire seemed to be the trigger for whatever emotional instability she has progressed into today. Around 8 years ago she decided to try and commit suicide. It just happened to coincide with the preparation for my wedding.

She is a chronic child. she has found a way to rely on others for the last 7 years. she was diagnosed with IC which is a painful bladder issue 7 years ago and that is when everything really started to go down the drain. she was put on pain medication for this issue which she quickly became addicted to. She has a history of alcohol abuse and had been sober for about 10 years before they decided that Vicadin then morephine were good choices for my mother. she ofcourse denied the drug dependancy even though she was a classic case all the way to the point of getting angry if she was out of her "meds" as she put it. She would rage until maybe my brother or myself could try and "hook her up" with any street level pharmaceutical. If the stuff didn't come quick enough there was hell to pay!!!

After her diagnoses she quickly became completely reliant on her husband. The problem was that she quite her job of over 10 years and really did not consult him. leaving him with huge bills to pay. she then went into a spiral of poor me victimhood and really tried nothing but denial to get herself out of it. she started surfing "depression" websites and suddenly found others who cut themselves. Then a memory surfaced about a childhood cutting expereince(or the possibility of one) and she then began forming a connection to this group of "sisters" and started cutting herself. On her face no less. the reaon she felt she must have been a cutter in her childhood was because she had a picture of herself when she was a baby that had scratches all over it. this is what the doctor diagnosed her from and then suddenly she had to follow suit and pick up a supposed old habit. she never cut before this time..not even during the low times in my childhood.

i've got my theories because i've had to heal myself of some pretty deep emotional wounds over the last 10 years. i now that this comes down to an addiction to the adrenaline that pumps through your body. I know that it is a way to keep yourself perpetually connected to the depressive emotions in your life as this is the only emotion you really understand. howeve that said...she is doing nothing at all to try and help herself. she is living off of everyone. she lived off of my aunt for a year while i was away in thailand. she lived off of her husband and did not try to work or get any sort of job unless you call throwing yourself purposely into the depths of Depression a job. she has been living off of my brother recently and is now in wait of the possibility of her dissability approval and the fact that her now ex-husband will be giving her spousal support (but not until october).

I don't want to just throw my hands in the air and give up but i feel like it's my only option. somedays i don't care if she kills herself or not because atleast then none of us(her included) would have to deal with this overwhelming depressive state. it's hard to deal with the fact that my mother may never snap out of this. what's harder is that I know that she could...she just does not want to.

I love my mother but i've been essentially taking care of and dealing with her emotional isues since i was born. i've been working on myself for a long time now and feel pretty darn good about the place i've come to. the problem is that when it comes to being around her my brain and emotional stability start to faulter. she literally sucks the energy right out of me.

so anyway...i just needed to type some of this out so that i don't start banging my head(literally) against a wall. i'm not a self detructive person but it's hard to not almost get pulled into her phycosis.