My Ex-Husband Narcissist is back aft... 
mamahuhu
12 y
9,069
I can't figure out what he is up to!!! I divorced him 25 years ago and believe me, it was horribly contentious. He and his family HATED my guts the entire 25 years. My children told me they had to hold their fingers in their ears and sing "lalalalala" to keep from hearing me trashed by him.
He remarried and that girl left him also and managed to take away a lot of his assets which I did not do. I just wanted out. She's been gone a few years now and he is trying to manage his ranch by himself after having suffered some brain damage from a head injury. He has some memory problems.
So in the last week he has shown up at my work FOUR times. He told my daughter how good I looked, how happy and confident I seem, etc. Twice when he showed up I wasn't there, he doesn't know my hours/days of work. But he stayed and bought food anyway. Finally he came when I was there and did a little walk down his family genealogy which he knew I was working on for the kids. He was nice to me and smiled at me and gave me his flashing charming smile. Talked a lot about the kids.
This is after 25 years of not talking to me or having any desire to be friends or keep in touch "for the sake of the kids". Who are now grown of course.
I understand he is isolated up on his ranch. He is now 68 and still a fine looking man. We have absolutely no business or financial ties, just the kids who carefully keep us separated at all times. Have never gone to the same function and I haven't even had a glimpse of him in about 15 years.
I am wondering if he is looking for a new victim and thinks I might be the path of least resistance. I don't even know what he wants, he hasn't said, just acts like the last 25 years never happened. No apologies or anything like that either (and I won't hold my breath for that).
I was initially very confused and actually thought for a moment that maybe he has seen the light at last, at last. Then I started to remember stuff.
Anybody have any ideas about this? I'd appreciate any feedback.
More
- Re: My Ex-Husband Narcissist is back... BlueRose
12 y
8,665
MoreThis is a reply to # 2,014,734Time can sometimes have a way of blurring and softening our memories. So, it's understandable that you didn't "remember stuff" right away.
Without knowing all the details, I'm thinking that either your ex's brain damage could be responsible for his behavior to you or he is, as you say, looking for his next victim. If it is the latter, no doubt he is looking to soften you up in the hopes that you will take him back and take care of him. If so, don't fall for it.
Best wishes to you!- Re: My Ex-Husband Narcissist is back... mamahuhu
12 y
8,374
MoreThis is a reply to # 2,014,900I'm wondering is it's possible he has changed for the better. I know, I know, it's impossible.
But he's gone through a series of catastrophes and my kids say he has mellowed.
Is it possible?- Um.... #68716
12 y
8,268
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This is a reply to # 2,015,440Mamahuhu, Blue Rose is spot-on.
Questions to ponder:
* Has he made any attempts to stand accountable for his past history with you?
* Has he made financial restitution to you, voluntarily?
* After 25 years, is it possible that he has run through his former source targets and is counting on your good nature and kindness to override the facts of your divorce?
Without sounding harsh, I would strongly caution you. FOUR times he's shown up at your place of employment?! REALLY?
He has an agenda, Mamahuhu. Oh, you bet he does. He's probably run out of finances, is homeless, is alone, and needs something from you. Beware of the "lovebombing." This is a deliberate choice of actions that cause source targets to feel that they are "The Only One" that understands the N/Spath, or can "save" them, or can "help" them. Beware, beware, for everything that is sacred in your life - BEWARE!
Please, visit the following site for more information on sociopaths, their tactics, and recovery: www.lovefraud.com
This man has a terrible agenda, and it may be that you are so blindsided by this sudden reappearance of someone that you had no closure with that you are super-vulnerable. Please, consider "No Contact" and learn more about what you are most likely dealing with.
Best wishes to you
- Re: Um.... mamahuhu
12 y
8,232
This is a reply to # 2,015,445Thanks Soul Survivor,
Well, no he didn't ask for forgiveness. He did mention, out of context, that he had a girlfriend for 4 years to "help" him after the divorce. Which was strange on a couple of levels. 1 is that it was out of the blue (trying to make me feel guilty 2) and it didn't have anything to do with anything we were talking about. and 3. I know he had a girlfriend at that time but her name was different than the name he mentioned and I know he treated her like dirt too. So that confused me.
He doesn't actually owe me anything. He paid everything the court ordered so technically he's in the clear on that. He never helped out in any other way with the kids like to help them buy a car, or for educational purposes, or anything minor either. This from a man who made over a million a year.
It is possible that he has run through his other sources, he just had a gold digger wife divorce him and took him to the cleaners, but he still has plenty of money left. He's a doctor and rancher. Wait, maybe he is in trouble, but his mother is helping him out. I couldn't possibly help him financially, his expenses are way out of my reach to help.
He is alone and isolated. Help me, I feel sorry for him, I just can't help it. Part of this weakness on my part is that the kids really think he has changed and so does an ex girlfriend of his that I am friends with.
Okay, back to the lovefraud website. I have been there but I don't think my brain is functioning right and it's not penetrating. Gotta look up "lovebombing", I haven't heard of that.
Glad for this forum, it's about the first place I turned to...- Re: Um.... #68716
12 y
8,258
This is a reply to # 2,015,482
Mama, I'm going to pose some questions that may, at first, seem harsh. Please, sit, think, cogitate, and consider the answers with as much of a separation of emotion as you can before you answer them - either on the forum board, or to yourself.
1. What do you really know about this head injury and brain damage? Have you spoken to an attending physician, or are you going by what this man is telling you, himself. And, please.....pay no attention to any "symptoms" of memory loss. Consider the question as it is asked.
2. Why would you "feel sorry" for this man? He's a wealthy rancher and whether he was fleeced by his most recent wife, or not, isn't any of your affair.
3. Why would you allow someone who meant to inflict harm upon you back into your life simply because they claim an injury?
"Lovebombing" is a noted and highly effective weapon in the arsenal of a malignant narcissist or sociopath. First, they shower their source targets with unnecessary flattery or assertions. "You're the ONLY one that understands me." "I'm the ONLY one that undrestands you." "NOBODY ever loved you like I do." And, so forth. It's meant to place us very high on a pedestal that is made of Raisin Bran - one flick of the wrist, and the whole thing crumbles.
Lovebombing comes a close second to the "Pity-ploy." A spath or N will spin sad, sad tales about their lives, medical issues, financial woes, workplace problems, etc.....and, ALL of the sad, sad things are literally the fault of others. Their parents (particularly mothers) were cold, abusive, or unavailable. They have mountains of medical or physical ailments. Someone has stolen everything that they own. People at work "have it in" for them - their supervisors are jerks, etc.
This man has come out of nowhere, after 25 years and very bitter divorce, and is knocking at your door? If it were me, the person that I am today would ask, point-blank, "Why are you here, and what do you want?" As soon as the lie spewed from the hole in the spath's face, I would simply show my back, enter into MY home, and shut the door, forever.
This man has an agenda, Mama. You can count on it. And, it doesn't matter what his agenda is. What matters is your own well-being, safety, and security. Allowing this man back into your life? I'd strongly urge you to shut that door and never even crack it open for him, again, regardless of what his problems are.
My very best wishes to you
- Re: Um....You are probably right mamahuhu
12 y
8,358
This is a reply to # 2,015,590My thanks to Soul Survivor and Blue Rose for helping me work through this unexpected resurfacing of my ex-N husband.
I guess there is much I have forgotten and I'm a very forgiving person. Perhaps this is why I am confused. Besides being nurturing cause I'm naturally that way, I am also a nurse so maybe have a double dose of nurturing.
When I left this man, I still loved "him". I had hoped that by leaving he would come to his senses and start treating me well. That backfired and I am truly happy that it did. I eventually realized that there was no "him" that I loved, No such person existed. He moved on immediately to much younger women, a big long string of them. But I guess for a minute there I thought my wish came true.
Interestingly enough, when I first met him I didn't like him much and thought there was something "wrong" with him but couldn't put my finger on it. It was his family that really recruited me. I had lost both parents in my teens and needed family and they provided. They did "recruit" me. I came to realize that in time. In fact, I think he married me because they made him (just a guess) because they didn't want to take care of him anymore and felt I was competent.
Well, lately, after THEM not talking to me for 25 years also, my kids tell me that his family has suddenly started asking questions about me, about my welfare, saying they are concerned with my happiness etc. I thought that was odd. Then HE shows up.
I think it's possible that history is repeating itself. I tell you all this because maybe somebody else might come up against this someday. It's so weird being back in the Twighlight Zone. Trying to figure out what is going on. He needs a caretaker and his family has been trying to help him but they live out of state. His mom comes to stay with him for months at a time to help him but she is getting pretty old. So now I get it, they have apparently decided to try and get me back. I never would have foreseen this turn of events. Is there a great big "SUCKER" sign on my forehead or something?
And yes Soul Survivor, the brain damage is real. The accident was front page news in our local newspaper. My kids have been telling me about the memory problems for a couple of years now but the interesting thing is that his memory has improved greatly in the last year. But you are right, it's not my problem.
I was sort of thinking along the line of "for the sake of the kids" or something, only in the context of being friends with him and being able to share stuff about the kids. Who knows what I was thinking, I was immediately into a confused frame of mind. Talk about bad flashbacks.
This might have been the camel's nose under the tent sort of thing, huh?
With his disability, his horrible reputation in our small town, his age, all working against him, I imagine it's pretty hard for him to recruit the young girls anymore. My guess is that he thinks I'm the target of least resistance, and he does need someone to help him.
I did NOT get the impression from him that he liked me at all while he was trying to charm me. And I was looking for that.
Whew! Good thing this forum is here cause I think I just dodged a bullet!!! Back to my happy old self again. Breathe in, breathe out.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
- Re: Um....You are probably right #68716
12 y
8,433
This is a reply to # 2,015,668
Mama, I'm SO glad that you sorted this out for yourself - too many people are unaware that there are human predators out there that are not imprisoned. Most people associate sociopathy with criminals like Charles Manson and Hitler, and this is a misconception. ANYONE can be high in sociopathic traits. Mothers, fathers, siblings, religious/spiritual leaders, lawmakers, social workers, best friends, coworkers....anyone.
That he is getting older puts a solid crimp in his modus operandii - he's no longer charming, he's no longer uber-wealthy, and he's brain damaged. So, he's going to use whatever he can to secure whatever targets that might be available. They never "get better," Mama. They only alter their tactics.
That his family suddenly began to communicate was the first flapping, screaming "Red Flag" that something was up. His family members are "minions" and enablers, and he likely contacted them to let everyone know about his sad, sad situation.
The beautiful qualities of nurturing, caring, compassion, encouragement, understanding, and acceptance are, without fail, used and twisted by spaths into vulnerabilities to be exploited. Period. And, this is a sad, sad fact, Mama. What I so aspired to was used as tools of manipulation, rather than being appreciated for the qualities that they clearly are. Your chosen profession and calling predisposes a person to care and concern, and his brain trauma is a bona fide "excuse" to generate pity. Seriously. Some spaths will actually self-inflict injury to generate pity and sympathy for the sole purpose of manipulation. My own son broke his own wrists to be DE CLAREd "unfit" for military duty and to also assist in receiving disability benefits.
"Dodged a bullet," indeed you did, Mama. And, GOOD FOR YOU!!!! Keep checking the LoveFraud website and learn how you can help educate others that might be vulnerable, as well. These people exist in every walk of life, and in every situation where human beings are gathered together. They are simply part of the Human Condition - they have always existed, and they always will. But, long ago when mankind lived in smaller social and cultural units, there were methods of managing "bad people" through tribal practices that are, today, viewed as barbaric and cruel. Sometimes, I wonder if those views aren't flawed to the Nth degree when I read and hear daily news reports of one more person who deliberately and maliciously inflicts damage upon other human beings.
Brightest blessings to you, Mama
- Re: Um....You are probably right #68716
12 y
8,433
- Re: Um....You are probably right mamahuhu
12 y
8,358
- Re: Um.... #68716
12 y
8,258
- Re: Um.... mamahuhu
12 y
8,232
- Re: My Ex-Husband Narcissist is back... LuzMaria
11 y
8,516
This is a reply to # 2,015,440It is possible he mellowed but his main drive in life is TO GET! Right now he needs to be taken care of. My NPD father has mellowed significantly and he recently surprised me for my birthday by showing up with a cake driving hours from his home. Guess what? he is having marital difficulties and is starting to feel very alone. I am just there to fill in the empty spaces in his life, not that he is really interested in me as a person. If you need some companionship, go for it but don't expect too much and be ready to leave if he gets nasty. These folks are never wrong therefore will not apologize
- Re: My Ex-Husband Narcissist is back... mamahuhu
11 y
8,363
This is a reply to # 2,028,819Thank you LuzMaria, I appreciate the feedback.
This man showing up again really did throw me for a loop. So what I did after posting here was to do more work on this issue again. Which is a good thing, I needed to do this.
I read every book I could find on NPD and searched the internet and read up on all I could.
Meanwhile, he showed up at my work about 9 times. I wasn't there for 7 of those times. I took SoulfulSurvivor's advise and went "no contact" and he finally gave up. And I let him.
So now I plan to read up more on Co-dependency and get rid of the last vestiges of that. I intend to make sure I NEVER get mixed up with one of these again.
Going through this process though, I realized once again how many of these people are around and how they are able to suck me in. I had to go back and look at my entire life and relationships and see my part in it.
I think I get it much better now.
I am also starting to think that my ex-path has a lot of socio- or psychopathic tendencies. He definitely has a sadistic streak in him. I've learned there is some cross-over between these 3 PD's.
One time he dropped me off at the airport when I was 7 months pregnant. Before I got out of the car, he somehow managed to slip a large knife into my carry on luggage without my knowledge. When I placed my bag into the scanner, well, you can imagine the fear and panic I went through when security surrounded me and I was nearly arrested. When I nearly passed out they realized I had no idea I was carrying the weapon and let me go. When I told my ex-path what happened he laughed, a very evil laugh I might add. He truly seemed to think this was funny and for some reason until that moment I thought placing the knife in the bag was somehow an accident. I guess that acknowledging the truth would have been too painful.
So, I had several incidents like this and I have been contemplating telling my kids about some of these incidents. My son knows and understands he is NPD, my daughter knows he's crazy but thinks he is getting better.
Anybody have an opinion on just how much I should enlighten my kids? They are 33 and 31 now. I can see them softening to him since he seems to be mellowing and of course I don't want them to get sucked back in either.
I am so grateful that I got out of there when I did. Alive.- Re: My Ex-Husband Narcissist is back... #68716
11 y
8,961
This is a reply to # 2,068,956Mama, these board fly so quickly and missed your update. I am SO sorry that this jagoff has tried to worm his way back into your life.
In my experience, any attempt to educate mutual children of a predatory and toxic person never turn out the way we expect. NPD's and sociopaths are cunning in their manipulations, especially where children are concerned - children are often made to feel "obligated" to accept whatever it is that their parents do, even as adults.
I would recommend that you visit http://www.180rule.com
and http://www.familyarrested.com
for some more tips and information on how to "manage" such a situation.
And, you are welcome to send a PM, as well.
Best wishes of peace and strength
- Re: My Ex-Husband Narcissist is back... #68716
11 y
8,961
- Re: My Ex-Husband Narcissist is back... mamahuhu
11 y
8,363
- Um.... #68716
12 y
8,268
- Re: My Ex-Husband Narcissist is back... mamahuhu
12 y
8,374
- Re: My Ex-Husband Narcissist is back... BlueRose
12 y
8,665
