i feel guilt and shame
the person had brought me and the ones i love pain
instead of speaking i went silent
days i hated him
and then their would be days when i forgot
days where i can't be touched
where i can't sleep or eat
i was a coward
i still am
i can help
but scared if i do
3 people i could have saved by opening my mouth
just by letting it out
they hurt because of me
i apologize for what i did
they tell me its not my fault
but it is
i know it is
i could have just said a few words but my voice has fell silent
grab their hand and run but i ran by myself leaving them behind
i can still speak but i'm scared
most days i feel like dirt,scum and garbage
i want them to hear me
but it falls upon deaf ears
i want them to see
but they close their eyes
i blame my self
and that will never change
when i try to forget
the ones i couldn't save would remind me
not with word but that look
i wanted to die sometimes i still do
i asked god why does he hate me so much
but i never gotten a reply
god doesn't exist he wouldn't let good people hurt
i was a good little girl
but now what am i
a person without a voice
every day i hear his voice laughing and talking
its not fair how does he sleep
when i can't
i feel like dirt
no
i feel like garbage
used and thrown away
the opposite sex scares me sometimes
"i'll kill you"
was his words
he cut my arm to show me that he did not care about hurting me
when people ask i said i did it to myself
i didn't
i tried cutting myself but i couldn't get through my skin
he did it quite easily
red spilled from my arm
" i'll hurt everybody"
then i started to care about me
he told me to lay down i lay down
tell me to lie i would
i was a puppet
a useless
puppet
when i started to forget
i started to become happy
but then it would comeback
did i deserve to be happy
when it happened to her she didn't talk to me at all
she knew i left her
i was weak
but that doesn't make up for the fact that i left her
she started talking to J.T
she knew i hated J.T
J.T was everything i was not
he liked J.t said she was his sister bought her stuff treated her nicely, she wasn't his sister she was a stranger who took my place
when it happened to J.T
i was happy
it was wrong that i was happy
she didn't deserve it
but to me it made J.t less pretty
she was dirt to
i told my mom but said i was copying J.T
J.T she was better then me she told
he disappeared for awhile i was happy and sad
when he came back i was terrified and sick
to my stomach
my door would open and close almost every night
i remember being dragged down to the basement or bathroom
but the rest
i want to forget
i know what he did to her she came up stairs crying
i gave her a rag and clean panties
then went to go sleep in my moms room where i knew it was safe
i'm pathetic
i left her
she says it not my fault now
but it is
she hates him so much
their are days when i do and days where i forget to
the next day she was hanging out with J.T
she was my cousin
my friend as well
not J.Ts
but i deserved it
some days she denies it only saying he ripped her underwear
but i know the truth her lie makes her forget the pain
but not forget to hate him.
i apologized to J.T
she didn't ask for it
i was wrong for being happy over her pain
her mom didn't let her talk to me and every time she saw my family she would scream out rapist
i couldn't blame her
she was telling the truth
me not telling made me part of the crime
we moved a lot i was kinda happy
with that move he disappeared
they took him away
when he came back
he hurt tiny
she was just a toddler
he was arrested
i was angry at myself for not telling
everything went to far
i was a bad girl
no wonder i was being ignored by god
i wouldn't even talk to me
my mom refused to believe it and act like nothing wrong
we moved again
he reappear again
me and my older sister shared beds
he tried again
my sister stopped him
took me to my grandparents and told
he lied said he was sleep walking ( said she mistaken something)
stayed in my grandparents bed till he left
we moved one last time
i was older I've gotten smarter
he tried to take me to the basement
i screamed out mommy
she came down the stairs
he fled to the basement
i told her couldn't find what i was looking for
she believed me
from then on i knew he wouldn't kill me or touch me ever again
he got arrested for carrying a weapon and shipped away
has to stay out the country
for seven years
but i hear his voice every day
over the phone
my mother who still talks to him
send him money
2 years has pass
he will be back
he has a wife and kid now
and a step-daughter
who is scared
of him
i try and think not my problem
but it is
i tell her to warn them
my mother says they will kill him down there
some days i think let them
he killed all of my female cousins and sisters
innocence
7 people he killed inside
why can't we speak
i could of stop those seven people
from getting hurt
if only i didn't grow so comfortable in the silence what hid my shame
if only
now,
that little girl suffers
she is probably wondering why does god hate her
like we all did
my mom told me we all have to live with it forgive and forget and move on
it happen to her as a child as well
that is how she copes
with the pain
i want to ask did she ever think god hates her as well
but i don't
i won't
she believes she failed as a mother
she keeps asking do i hate her
i love my mom
i really do
she just made some bad choices in life
he had problems
he was prescribed medicine
she just refused to believe he's messed up and wont tell anybody
she refused to give him the medicine
i love my mom
but she just made terrible choices
shes still making them today