Has anyone's marriage recovered from... 
#62845
13 y
15,094
† Cross †
More- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... #28223
13 y
14,402
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,796,270I take it, yours is that way? TBH, my husband always had a low sex drive. Now, in his later years, he has physical ailments that prevent him from using that "little blue pill".
From what I've read, you're not alone. This issue is not uncommon.- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... #62845
13 y
14,437
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,796,359Thank you. I've backed away from my feeling of Depression last week over it and thought perhaps I must accept this in order to reap the other benefits of our relationship, which are great. Perhaps this is the right conclusion. It's good to know I'm not alone.
- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... #28223
13 y
14,480
This is a reply to # 1,797,542I've looked at some of your other posts and see that you have been wrestling with this topic for quite some time.
You mention that you try to keep yourself looking attractive. While, of course, there is nothing wrong with that, it has nothing to do with your husband's low sex drive. For example, I once worked with a woman who was short, dumpy and prematurely gray. She once told me that her husband wanted sex every night---even when she was having her period. So...attractiveness doesn't always play as big a role in this as you might think.
I can't recall if you have children or not. If it is the latter, then you are freer to divorce---if that's what you want. Either way, whether you stay or go, you really need to do some soul searching. If having an active sex life is very important to you---a top priority---and you have no children, then perhaps it's best to move on.
However, being single once again is no panacea. Recently, I was reading the advice column "Dear Prudence". There was a letter from a woman who was itching for the single life again. Prudence reminded her that the single life is not always as glamorous as portrayed on TV and in the movies. As an exercise, she had the woman imagine herself living in a small apartment wondering if the last guy she slept with had given her an STD. So it's important to look at all sides of this.
As I said, my husband always had a low sex drive. Being honest with myself, I realized that I'm not highly sexed either, although my drive is better than his.
I thought it through and realized that my husband has many good qualities. When our daughter was young, he was an excellent provider and a good father (still is a good father). We like to do lots of activities together---see plays, go to museums, go out to eat, etc. As a family, we took several cross country drives. Every night, he gives me a back rub and I do the same for him. So...we've had too many good times and good years to just throw it all away.
You need to decide what is important to you. How important is frequent sex as opposed to loving gestures? Do you share common interests, do things together as a couple?
So...you need to stop fence-sitting. Make a decision as to where you want to go with this. For the sake of argument, I will assume no minor children are involved. So...do you stay and appreciate all that's good in your marriage? Or is a very active sex life important enough that you will be miserable for the rest of your life? If it is the latter, again, please note that you could be single again and not easily find another partner. If that's the case, are you comfortable with one night stands? Or are you willing to be without sex while searching for Mr. Right?
If children are involved, IMO, the whole equation changes.
So...do some soul searching and get off the fence! Best of luck to you.- Marriage #62845
13 y
14,103
This is a reply to # 1,797,786Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It was kind of you to look back over my history so you could give me useful feedback.
I think I mentioned keeping myself attractive both to preempt the suggestions that this could be the source... and maybe to help remind myself that I'm attractive?
No, there are no kids. As for divorce, the answer is an easy no. If I knew that he was content with this and this is how it will be, I will trade a robust sex life for married life with him. There is no question. And there is lots of physical contact, loving gestures and shared laughter. I spent most of my 20's single, so I know what it's like on both sides of the fence. There's no chance I would end the relationship over this.
My frustration has gone down a good bit and I'd love to "get of the fence" and not worry about this anymore. My current concern is this: although he doesn't initiate sex, I think the problem may be rather a way he looks at it, a mental block of some type as opposed to a low sex drive. After all, we have at times in the past had very frequent sex. And when we bring up the subject, the one sentiment he will express is wanting more sex. He seems to be wanting me to do something, maybe to fix it? Or wanting me to come on to him, although that's not worked historically. Still, he has logic in his head talking him out of sex while saying he wants it.
So to my ocncern: if he really does want it, and possible evidence might be that he still masturbates or that we've had brief interludes of frequent sex while on vacation, then will this problem eventually lead to infidelity? Is he feeling a stifled sex drive while blocked mentally? He's in the Navy. He goes to places where he's surrounded by temptation. My circumstances are less exposed to temptation. I believe I'm strong enough, and there are no signs of weakening in my resolve to be faithful. However, with our sex life dwindling to next to nothing and us possibly being separated for a year or more soon, I worry that we're more vulnerable. Once infidelity is discovered, I believe the relationship will be over.
So... am I hyperventilating? Making up needless stress? I don't know. Should I just think "actions are stronger than words" and not believe his infrequent suggestions that he'd like more sex? I tend to believe what people say and am torn on this point.
Or perhaps I should no longer worry about it and decide if he wants to change it, or if it bothers him enough, he'll do something. He's on occasion asked why we don't have sex anymore. I don't know how to respond. I've said that he doesn't try and when I try, he turns me down. How does he ask me again months later? I could tell him when he really wants it, I know he'll come get it (it's rare but it's happened).
*sigh* So in the end, more sex would be great, but I'm over the need for it. In my mind this is the one potential threat to our marriage, and that has become my worry.- Re: Marriage #28223
13 y
14,218
This is a reply to # 1,798,092Well...if you're both willing, then consider going to a sex therapist. Or buy a book on this topic and read up. He obviously has some hang-ups about sex. That could be due to how he was raised or even what religion (if any) he was exposed to growing up. All this is definitely worth exploring especially since you feel it is the one threat to your marriage.
There is something you really need to think about, and that is this --- As we age, our sex drive naturally diminishes some. Then there is always the possibility of physical ailments, thus no more sex. Try to picture yourself much older with a husband who can't perform due to physical problems. Can you live with that?
If I recall correctly, you once asked about sex toys to pleasure yourself. Have you purchased any? There is no shame in using them and doing some fantasizing.
I now understand why you brought up the subject of being attractive. Yes, unfortunately, it's true that there are some who will throw it in your face and tell you that's why your husband doesn't want sex. However, there are many stories of women who have had mastectomies, for example, whose husbands have told them that they still love them and find them attractive. These men are aware that external beauty isn't the only thing that matters---internal beauty matters even more in the long haul. We all lose our looks to some degree as we age. However, internal beauty tends to stay with you for a lifetime.
So...maybe you need to sit him down and have a heart to heart talk about this. See if you can get to the root of his hang ups. Ask him if he will, at least, try to manually pleasure you (either using a sex toy or his finger). If you feel that after having the discussion, that you haven't made any satisfactory progress, then bring up having both of you see a sex therapist and see how he reacts. If he doesn't want to do that (and gives a reason for it), then tell him that you both need to get serious about this and reach a compromise that you both can live with.
You have a lot to think about. I wish you all the best!- Re: Marriage #62845
13 y
14,471
This is a reply to # 1,798,143During a time when I was very frustrated sexually, I considered trying toys out, and no I haven't gotten one. I've always gone the old fashioned route, and yes I fantasize. Sadly, I used to fantasize about him...
Thank you for your well thought out response. I'll have to do some thinking. Finding a compromise we both can live with is the best thing. If I know what the deal is I can live with it - I just need to find out what he's thinking. Normally he's pretty good about having open discussions, but this one subject is different and it's difficult, but I will continue to try. Thank you.
- Re: Marriage #62845
13 y
14,471
- Re: Marriage #28223
13 y
14,218
- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... caffina
13 y
13,902
This is a reply to # 1,797,786Everyone's marriage will come into a slump at some point of time, it's only natural. I bet even Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee had a few slumps every now and then. If this happens take the bull by the horns and get yourself one of these things that will really bring you back up to some good passion.
It works becuase it's different, a little naughty bringing you back to a simpler time before you were married and while you were courting. Enjoying the adult pleasures together is so much better then you standard ho-hum sex life. Another thing you can try is having sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom like the kitchen counter or living room.- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... caffina
12 y
12,686
This is a reply to # 1,821,336I came back all these months later to check up on people's new opinion on this sexless marriage topic. I agree with the poster below who said a sexless marriage is possible if the two are okay with it. I know 2 Virgos who are married - anyone who knows Virgos knows they are never horny. These people seem to lack sex drives at all but I suppose it's good then - they are meant for each other! P.S. I clicked on my link where I referred you to some vibes and see the link no longer works, my good deed of the day is to link to these things again. You're welcome ;)
Furthermore, it's very true that older couples have less sex. It's just not as fun a sit used to be. Go to Paris every year for 5 years it's wonderful. After 10 years it gets boring. It's just a fact of life and there is nothing we can really do - except spice things up with toys and lotions and warm baths together.- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... tomthumb1974
8 y
4,856
This is a reply to # 1,993,572I only want to respond to the Virgos never horny. You've encountered the wrong Virgos. I'm a Virgo who has been called freaky, kinky or whatever. I was in a sexual relationship with another Virgo in college and we both were adventurous. So,the statement about Virgos is false. There might be some prudish Virgos out there but I've never met them.
- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... tomthumb1974
8 y
4,856
- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... caffina
12 y
12,686
- Marriage #62845
13 y
14,103
- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... #28223
13 y
14,480
- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... #62845
13 y
14,437
- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... M2R2
13 y
14,675
This is a reply to # 1,796,270Vary small number. Maybe 5-10%. The real reason is not only sex. If you get it as much as you want you would find out that you are missing intimacy, affection, closeness, touch. Some people use sex to control others have medical problem. Reading your previous post I think you have to dig deeper beyond sex to find real reason for your unhappiness.
Good luck
- sure. but there's a cost. John McCain 2008
13 y
14,301
This is a reply to # 1,796,270of course marriages last because of no sex, no money, no fire, no this or that...but there's a cost. marriage is a little different according to their priorities. some want financial security and the sex...ah...whenever. My folks actually are married, for 23 years, and have lived in separate homes for about 19 of those years. You talk about sexless! He probably gets laid 4 times a year...if he's lucky. But it works. Is it strange? Sure it is. Not my cup 'o tea. She's into financial security and shopping, he's into having somebody with similar interests. Good buddies who happen to be married. sex isn't a big deal because they have money and with that, things to do and buy.
some want to be friends and do things together, the sex is a forced "marriage thing" that they feel they have to do in order to be called "married". they love being with each other but sex isn't a big part of the equation.
Your question: can a sexless marriage last? Yeah, for two people who agree that sex isn't a big deal. Do I consider my folks marriage one worth keeping? Not for me it wouldn't. That's not my idea of marriage. I wouldn't want a sexless marriage. I'll deliver my end of the marital bargain but I expect the exact same deal on your end. If either party fails, there's gonna be problems.
sex runs hot and cold in most marriages, most of the time because of job pressures, business, kids, or finances. you talk to 10 of your best friends, i'll bet 5 of them don't have sex but once a month. lol...it's true, don't laugh. when you really count up how many times a 30-something or 40-something inserts penis in vagina...i'll bet it is nothing like you thought. but the other five are getting it on at least once a week, minus period time.
you want sex, that's been driven home quite clearly. and your hubby doesn't deliver the goods. the question is squarely on your shoulders: is this the type of marriage you want for the rest of your days? no sex...limited sex...always thinking sex with somebody else? the more you do not concentrate on that single fact, the more it will get out of hand and you lose control of the situation. sex can be a dealbreaker, don't hide from that harsh fact.
if you've told him that this is a biggie, and he will not make you scream with orgasms...don't wait another five years thinking it will get any better. it won't. these are your best years, right now, today. decisions have to be made or you'll be the woman in 2016 who posts on curezone that you're still not getting laid, what should you do? you don't want to be that woman, do you? no. those five years could be the best years of your life, leading to more "best years of your life".- Re: sure. but there's a cost. #62845
13 y
14,000
This is a reply to # 1,804,226Actually, what I meant by my question was can the sex life recover? I'm sure that's much more difficult than becoming complacent, as with one lady I know of. I wanted to know if anyone had had troubles, something blocking them from their prior sexua| glory, and they somehow made a breakthrough and got past it and had a good sex life again.
Yes, I know that it won't be like first falling in love, but it can still good and sometimes great.
No, I don't want to still be whining about this in 2016. I responded to your other post. I've pretty well decided that I have a few more things to try before I can give up. I know chances are low but wish me luck anyway?
- Re: sure. but there's a cost. #62845
13 y
14,000
- I hear you, marriage sucks... motif
13 y
14,235
This is a reply to # 1,796,270you can try recover but it won't be natural anymore,
IMO once it happened it's over.
Try swinging pr swapping...- Re: I hear you, marriage sucks... AngelofEventide
13 y
14,120
This is a reply to # 1,804,935Marriage is what you make of it. Some people want to believe it sucks. I feel bad for you. Nothing in life is guaranteed except death and taxes. Sex is important in a mnarriage but it is not everything. If your spouse was injured in a car accident and was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their lives, would you divorce them?
- Re: I hear you, marriage sucks... motif
13 y
13,907
- Re: I hear you, marriage sucks... #62845
13 y
14,034
This is a reply to # 1,804,963I must admit, this part of the thread made me laugh.
Partner swapping... while I'd like to be open minded about any real solution, this is one I'm not willing to try. My sister tried it. She was very devoted to her family and doing fairly well overall but hinted at some issues in the bedroom (maybe I'm not alone after all, eh?). Whatever bit of discontent she had back then is now dwarfed by her post-divorce depression. Yeah, no thanks.
Motif, I can't help but be curious about your experience. I believe marriage can suck - thats why I was so damn picky. If the marriage sucked as well as the sex frequency, I'd be out, but in my case, it's a man and a marriage worth fighting for.
Yes, sex is not everything. There is much more that I get out of my marriage than that which is why it's worth it to me to try to figure this out. I want him, but I'd like to have the sex, too. Good sex with him is a million times better than a casual sex partner. Anywho, wish me luck. Better yet, wish me a breakthough back to mind-blowing sex! - Re: I hear you, marriage sucks... AngelofEventide
13 y
13,912
This is a reply to # 1,804,963If you have to ask, then there probably would not be a right answer for you.
- Re: I hear you, marriage sucks... #62845
13 y
14,034
- Re: I hear you, marriage sucks... motif
13 y
13,907
- Re: I hear you, marriage sucks... AngelofEventide
13 y
14,120
- Re: Has anyones marriage recovered f... mamaj2014
10 y
10,190
This is a reply to # 1,796,270Yes, it sure did. I had given up on the idea of having a sexual relationship with my husband ever again. We would go for months upon months without so much as a hello or goodbye kiss. And this went on for several years. It nearly killed me, as I was and still am so in love with him. I put it down to the tremendous amount of stress we were under with family and financial troubles. Now we are empty-nesters and have resolved our money problems. Yes, we love our kids and grandkids, but for the first time in our lives, we have a chance to be a couple. It has been like a dream come true. The message I want to convey is, if the love is still there, the rest of it will eventually return. Here's my best wishes to you and your spouse in your journey toward fulfillment.
- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... Sosofia
10 y
8,924
This is a reply to # 1,796,270I almost be in a sexless marriage. I have been in marriage for 22 years and last time my husband and I had sex is was over 9 months ago almost 10. We usually do it twice or trice a month. I am wondering why he's not asking for it or maybe he is just busy doing his work but gosh 8 months! And I don't know if he noticed it or what I don't even know if he still notice me or think that I'm still around. He's working in his office for 6 days and 1 day in our house he is just so busy facing his laptop and touching his papers and his office desk. I don't even know if he's aware that he have a wife!. I really want the romance, cuddling time back in our marriage life. Next month, we will celebrate our 23rd year anniversary and I want a new kind of celebration, so I decided to take our sex life into the next level. I ask a friend of mine for some suggestion to give our anniversary a new taste. She told me to look for this store, it's called Adam and Eve or you can search them as adamandeve[dot]com they're offering adult toys and I thought the ff. toys will give the new taste that I'm looking for she even told me to use this code LUST20 at the checkout to get the discount. I ordered the Lust Unleashed it's a DVD and some of them are even 50% off + free Shipping + dvds and other goodies. I can't wait for it to arrive!. I hope this will help me to get my husband's romantic side back. Maybe after watching this he will love to be in our room with me rather than to be in his office with his laptop.
- Re: Has anyone's marriage recovered ... #28223
13 y
14,402
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