Sorry for the long post only read I guess if you have time I just need someone to talk to.

Hi, not really sure how to do this or whatever but I really needed somewhere to vent, someone to talk to. I guess I'll keep it as brief as I can but this might be kind of long.

My name is Zach, I'm 27 been married 7 years and have a 3 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. My wife is 27 as well and we met kind of funny, on match.com the dating website. See I guess in my youth I probably caused a lot of girls to seek infidelity help since I was a big male whore lol no but seriously I was a player and used to be very "free spirited". Well about a year before I met my wife I decided that I was tired of the "bar women" and wanted a good girl to start a relationship with and be honest and serious. So I saw my friends meeting good quality people online so I gave it a shot. We met and dated for a while, about 9 months and we got engaged then pregnant (and yes in that order lol). We we're married and at first it was really rough being so young with a kid on the way, I was in school full time and working full time and she was just being a stay at home wife/mother. I got out of school after 2 years and got a promotion with my education at my current employer and started making good money. We bought our first house together and shortly thereafter decided to have another kid and our beautiful daughter was born. I've since kept my amazing job and it's been my family away from home since I've been here 8 years, and I put my wife through school while I worked so she could have a good job too to better our family.

That's where I'll start my story I guess. Shortly after she graduated school she started looking for a job and around the same time she started losing alot of the wieght she had put on from the kids all the years before because she got on some fancy weight loss prescribed pill. Well she found this job after months of searching and at first I wasn't thrilled because it was I felt less money than she could make so she was undervaluing herself after I just put her through school to better herself and our family, and the job was no taxes under the table, and no health benefits. Well we talked and decided that even though it wasn't the best job maybe she should take it and use it to gain experience in her field of work and then start re applying for better jobs. About a month in to her new job we found out that I was going to be getting laid off from my job due to company cuts. This hit me very very very hard because I loved my job and like I said before it was like a 2nd family to me not only a job. That coupled with she had done very little to look for a new job even after this news and had become "strangely" in love with this new job. Whenever I asked her if she had heard of any new openings anywhere else she would get defensive and say how she loved her job and she wouldn't be able to go anywhere else. This was coupled with her new boss only hired women in his office (small office my wife and 3 other females) and he texted, emailed, and called her at the most random times in and out of the office. Which I had a huge problem with I'm always a strong believer in you leave your work at work when you get home. Well she would always get defensive and delete messages if I tried to check, took her phone with her everywhere she went even just to the restroom, and she started dressing very sexy and getting all dulled up for work. So I'm not a dumb person I started to fear the worst right away and then the fighting started. She claimed her wierdness was just from being thin again and not getting attention from people like she has now and being able to wear new clothes etc etc. Well I sympathised with that because I too had lost massive weight 3 times in the past 8 years. So at first I questined if I was being overly jealous or crazy or was I really on to something?

See the thing is with me and how I used to cheat and be a player is I have like a sixth sense for when I'm being f'ed over and its like a gut wrenching sick to my stomach feeling that never goes away and causes anxiety and I had only gotten that feeling like 3 times in my life and all 3 times I was being cheated on. So when I got this feeling from her constantly day in and day out I knew something wasn't right. I mean I would find her on her laptop or phone 24/7 while we were at home together and if I walked by her to get a glimpse of what she was typing she would hide it or close her phone out or whatever. So after about 2 months of constant fighting and me trying to change the kind of person I was to make her fall in love with me again and quit this new job, or stop her acting wierd, I decided that I was going to have to step up my attention to detail and try to get to the bottom of this. I started monitoring her phone calls, texts, and emails via my online bill pay feature on our cell carrier where I could see every single data that her phone makes and the time and number. Well one night while I was at work I had been calling and texting her and she was giving me absolutely no response until like 30 or 40 minutes after I would send her a text or something. So out of curiousity I pulled up our phone bill and noticed that she had been texting this one number all night long and even talking to it for 40 or 50 minutes at a time all the way from 9 pm when I leave for work until 4 or 5 am!!! I work 3rd shift so I'm not at home at nights, it's extremely hard but it's what my line of work dictates and it's been that way our whole marriage. So freaked out I immediately drove home from work to find her passed out on our couch drunk and her phone beside her. Luckily for me she had 2 texts on it that she hadn't deleted yet due to her passing out. They were from her friend "Erin" or that's the way it appeared because she had saved this guy's phone # in her phone as "Erin" so that way if I were to see her texting him it would appear that it was just her and her friend Erin talking. I remember constantly asking her while we'd be watching TV or something on my off days ,"Hey who are you talking to this late?" and she'd respond, "Oh it's just Erin." Funny thing is I used to do the same thing to women I would play in my younger days so I had seen this trick before not very slick.

Well the text said something like, "So do you want me to come over or not?" and the other one said "What do you mean you don't know if he's gonna get off early or not? You're not answering I guess you went to bed night ttyl". I was FURIOUS I threw the phone at her and threw her out of the house drunk and all and made her mom come get her and later that day I packed all her shit in garbage bags and threw them out on the curb for her to come get. I mean you gotta realize what I was thinking, here I was questioning her for the last 2 months and I kept saying Serenna if there's something going on just tell me and we'll go our seperate ways, or take a break, or whatever just don't cheat on me be honest with eachother cuz not only are you my love of my life your my best friend so have some respect and tell me if your even thinking about cheating. Then I find that text, and she never owned up to it even after I told her I knew it wasn't Erin's number in the phone and why would someone like Erin have to wander if I was coming home from work early and if they could come over at 3 am??? She claimed that he was just a friend she met off facebook and wanted to hook up with her but she just needed someone to talk to after losing all her weight and I never told her how pretty or good she looked (total BS I did almost everyday) and she never met the guy just chatted with him. Boy was I about to be tricked.

So initially I was going to file for divorce and I was a freaking mess, I didn't eat for like 3 days and I was dealing with this, my kids wandering where their mommy was, my job talking about what day exactly I'd be let go, and my whole family tellin me legal advice and how I should go for the throat and get my kids blah blah blah. All the while I was emailing her setting up when to get stuff from the house, what bills needed to be switched to my name and so on and so forth it was basically just bussiness decision from that point on. But the love I had for her was still there I was just super hurt. My mind told me that there was no way she didn't physically meet this guy but my heart was telling me to believe her and give her a chance to explain. So one drunken night I went to a bar and tried to pick up a girl (never had real intention I was just doing it out of pain) and after leaving the bar early cuz the only person I thought of was her I drunk emailed her a book spilling my guts and telling her I wanted to try to work things out.

Well she came over and we patched things up after she swore she never met the guy and it was just that guy and I made her delete all her facebook, myspace, yahoo accounts anything that she could communicate with anyone online. Well the next day I was monitoring her accounts and the guy sent her a msg on yahoo, I asked her for his name so I could send him a message telling him to leave her alone shes married and we're trying to work things out. Well she was reluctant to give up his username and I thought that was wierd. When I made her give it to me or I'd leave her she did and I sent this guy a msg. I was purposely threatening to him to piss him off so he's be provoked into tellin me something. I basically said, "Leave her alone she's too classy to ever f*** a loser like you" well his response was "ha ha buddy I already f***ed her". You could imagine my feeling I felt as though my heart was ripped straight out of my chest. I had put my self respect, my trust for her, and my heart on the line to take her back against everything I believed in believing that she had never even met the guy. Well I kept talking to him and actually told him I only provoked him so he's give me the truth because I told him that I had suspected that she was lying and if he could tell me anything he knows about it I'd be grateful. And the guy actually was decent enough to out her completely. He described what my house looked like, what street I lived on, and that he had came over while I was out of town working one week.

It gets way worst, he sent me every email she had sent him and told me how he met her. It wasn't on facebook at all, she had created a email account and linked it to craigslist and was putting "ads" on craigslist and he had replied to one and they started talking and eventually he came over and had sex with her. Oh but it gets way worst all the emails he sent me that she had sent him were XXX pics that me and her had taken of her in our own intimate bedroom privacy and she was using to trade with these men for pics of their penises or other XXX pics. So this goody too shoe house wife, mother of 2 that I had thought I had known was basically running a craigslist brothel out of our home. And the worst part was she had done this with him (a guy she met off craigs list for sex) and had him over our home while I was out of town and our 2 children were sleeping upstairs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's what hurt the worst is that she not only was a terrible person, wife, but now a mother. He said that they had only met the one time for sex and that was the only time he ever physically saw her the rest was emails and texting and I believe him because trust me he had no reason to lie. He told me of another guy that she had met on there and told him about and the only reason she never met him was because he lived too far away for her to ever get away from me long enough to go see cuz this guy couldn't come down to my house and see her because he was married too. So there were 2 men that I now knew of, one was the one she actually slept with, the other a guy far away that she had exchanged xxx pics with. So those were the 2 I was aware of I didn't even know the depth that this could go I mean it could be just those 2 or it could be 10, or 20, or 50 who the hell knows?

When confronted with this chat log and the emails I had with the guy she still triend to adimantly deny deny deny until the proof was just too much and she admited to sleeping with just that guy the one time and never met anyone else only emails and texting. And when I asked her how long this would've went on had I not of caught that text that morning, she said that she realized how wrong it was after the sex and was letting him down slowly and never planned on meeting anyone else ever again and had felt bad for what she had done. I beleived nothing that came out of her mouth from then on forward. I told her what she had done was a "fatal" wound to our marriage and there was no way I could ever take her back now that it was unforgiveable.

Well here's the part where you can judge me, after a week or so getting the divorce ready to go through with, my family and friends knowing our WHOLE story (I emailed them all the yahoo chat log between me and the cheater), and me having almost zero contact with her. I realized something, or I think I did, I realized that I love her so deep, SO STRONG, that I can't really explain it but I felt bad for her. I mean here's this person that I've been with 7 years, shared 2 kids, and feelings I'll never share with someone, and I just found out that she's not the person I thought she was. The Serenna I know would of never done this to me maybe she has something seriously wrong with her like a past molestation, or rape, or something so deep and dark that I don't know about it and she needs my help. I mean I was all she ever had she never had a true family only her Mom and she told me to take her for supervised custody that's how mad her Mom was at her. Well my thinking was this, would I want her to get an apartment of whatever and when my kids are over shes gonna get lonely or whatever and resort to the same methods of meeting men for company that she's been doing because I basically threw her out without ever trying to get to the bottom of this and finding out why she did it. I think that's the whole thing I wanted so damn bad to know WHY, I mean shes a clean cut woman, she's not the kind of woman you would EVER imagine going on craigslist to meet men for sex or sending XXX pics of herself over the internet. Those kind of things I'd designate for drug addicts, prostitutes, and just bad people. Serenna was never a bad person like that so the methods of her cheating just bewildered me I mean why couldn't she of just went to a bar and met a dude and brought him home, or to one of her friends parties and had a one night stand. What she did was so bizzare and blatantly thought out it was not only super hurtful to think about the level of betrayal that it was but kind of alarming for me to think that I was going to be letting my kids stay with this person on a weekly basis without me there.

So recently as 2 weeks ago I agreed to let her keep living in our home, we would go back to church, go to marriage councelling, and get her a professional to talk to to get to the bottom of why she did what she did. Since then I have lost the friendship of countless friends of mine who are so appauled at me for taking her back and have lost all respect for me as a person so they dont even talk to me. Same with most of my family they have forbid her from entering their homes, and are just down right dissapointed in me as a son/brother/person in general. So now on top of losing my job and that extended family, I've essentially lost my real family, my marriage is shattered in a million pieces and I'm trying desperately to put it back together but it's a struggle everyday. So I've come to you internet to find a friend to talk to, someone to spill my guts to or just to get advice from because I have no one really.

Anytime I try to talk to her about us the anger and hatred of what she's done comes out and it just turns into me tearing her down and making her feel terrible for what shes done. Which I'm sure she deserves, but it isn't helping our relationship, and it doesn't help me. I'm constantly under anxiety, I can't sleep most days and when I do I wake up dreaming of the same anxiety attack. Of her having sex with another man, it replays in my head over and over and OVER to the point of madness. I think of all the times through that 2 month period when I was sending her sweet texts telling her that I missed her or that I loved her only to now know that she was talking to another man, or sleeping with one, or sending them XXX pics. While I was at work all that time earning a living for us she was being blatantly and pre meditatively terrible and was getting attention and feelings that I was dieing for from another man. There was pics in those emails that the guy had sent me that she had sent him that had pics that she had taken of herself on her phone and sent first to him and then to me with a caption that would say "miss you" or something and at the time it would make my day and I couldn't wait to see her and love on her but now looking back I know that those pics were meant for him and not me. All these feelings plus I'll never truly know how many men there were, I mean she'll only admit to the one guy the one time but if you've been reading you know how shit her word is, I can't believe a word she says to me now. I have to constantly wonder not only how many men there were, but for how long this would have went on had I not of caught her. She is everyday claiming that she loves me so much and this made her love me so much more yet if I wouldn't have caught her would she not be still doing it? And thats the latest feelings I have is I don't want her telling me she loves me because to me I love her madly or I wouldn't of decided to try to make this work under the extreme betrayal and level of cheating, and my love for her would of NEVER let me even begin to text another woman flirtingly. Yet if she loves me so much why didn't it stop her from posting that first craigslist ad? Or send that first email, or text, or the night he came over? I mean if she loves me so much whos to say she won't do this again? I don't know I just need someone to talk to that might know how I feel or where I'm coming from SO SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY