Okay,

I feel embarrassed just by writing about it, but this forum is a good place to get things off my chest and it won't turn up as news in the small village I live, either. It's a long ramble: pretty much the jumbled thoughts in my head put on paper, so if it doesn't make any sense to you...well, you're not the only one. To make it worse, my worries are pretty superficial as well. Still, if anyone wants to take a shot at helping organize my head, please do!

To get to the point: I'm 21 and still a virgin. I haven't even had a proper relationship.

I'm feeling a bit abnormal because everyone of my friends has "done it," my best friend was even 16 when she lost it. (and I know some lose it even earlier than that.) Also, while most of my friends are chatting about their boyfriends or other flings, I have never had a relationship. (I try not to compare, but I do it anyway.)

This is not because no man fancies me; I've had several ask me if I wanted to be their girl. It's just, either they were not my type or they went too fast, asking me after a week, (which pretty much makes me run away immediately.) I'm the kind of person who thinks: "I've only known you for a week, how can you that possibly be a good basis for a relationship?"

The more they try to get closer, the more I pull away. Some of them were really nice, but I never got into them. Friendship was the only thing I wanted, and they obviously wanted more than that, so I awkwardly ended it. Hate that too: telling someone you like you're not into them. This is something that has happened quite often. I try to open up to them, see if a spark ignites, trying to see past superficial first impressions, but it doesn't help.

Maybe I'm petty. Just the other week my friend said she was fed up with a friend of her's because he was asking about me the whole time. I met him once before that at a birthday party, didn't really like him, but I was kind and polite because I figured that would be the last of it. Anyway, I met up with him last thursday because I thought that I shouldn't let first impressions guide me for once and he says "You're the first girl who was nice to me and noone else wants to have me."

This was a total turn off for me. A person who wallows in self pity is the last thing I'm looking for. (I know that this post makes me sound like a spineless waif myself, so I guess I don't have any room to talk. ;-))

Sometimes I meet men who hint at wanting to have sex with me. Some of them were really good looking. I know plenty of girls who would've jumped at the oppertunity, but getting it on with a stranger actually scares me. I've always had issues with my looks, partly because I've been bullied a lot at highschool. I've been told that I was ugly a lot of times, mainly by girls and it kind of buried my self esteem 6 feet under. I was the wallflower who never said anything and my choice of wardrobe was determined by my classmates deemed acceptable. I usually wore the jeans and sweater I got the least comments on. I had to buy new school books all the time because people liked to snatch my bag and throw it's contents into water or the garbage can. Looking back now makes me shake my head and wonder how I let it happen.

I wasn't slim either, so I tried to correct it by dieting.

Take a good guess what happened....Yup, I got too skinny. It did give me a short ego-boost because I was 'discovered' by a model scout who wanted me to apply at Elite Model Look that year. Ofcourse I couldn't keep up with the dieting (I don't have the literally deadly determination those walking skeletons have) and the last few years I've jojo'd up and down, alternating between junk food and lettuce. Guess what I got because of it: stretch marks. They've faded and I try not to make a big deal out of them, but it bugs me nevertheless.

I got pretty fed up with my low self esteem, so I've been training hard for the last 5 months and I cleaned up my diet. I'm now at 18% bodyfat so I'm pretty proud of myself (it used to be 31%) and I gained some muscle so I'm not skinny-fat. Even so, I'm afraid men will find something wrong with me. Also being 21 and being a total clutz in bed makes me anxious.

Just reading this makes me roll my eyes, but I can't deny it has been a subject of my thoughts lately.

Honestly, there have been only 3 guys in the past years that I really really liked but either they didn't like me back and/or they were wrapped up in relationship themselves.

Does anyone have an idea how I can get myself to be less withdrawn? At 21 I'm quite a yapper, sarcastic, sometimes even cynical and I've stopped paying attention to people who try to bring me down. Yet when it comes to relationships and sex I'm as insecure as I was when I was 15.

Another quirk: I don't like to go clubbing because my friends usually get shit-faced and I'm the one getting them home. Other times drunk guys get in front of me and try and kiss me all out of the sudden. I never feel at ease in a club and it won't be the first time I ordered a cab for my friends and left early.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to pass up a great oppertunity because I didn't give someone a decent chance.


Any help would be appreciated. Voicing your thoughts/opinions alone would do. I'm fine with harsh comments, as long as they make sense.