I remember after my first wife left me and took my three daughters with her...she told me she didn't love me anymore...it devastated me...because I thought that the God in heaven wanted me to have a wife and children...to be a husband and a father...and be an example of how forgiveness could make this life a legacy of love... it shook me to the core....the four human beings in all of the world who I loved more than anything on earth...left me... It was as if a kidnapper or terrorist had broken into my house and stolen every ounce of everything that I wanted to live for... I quit my excellent paying job because I could not maintain a sense of why such a thing as work could be important... I could no longer watch tee-vee...because every time I saw children on television...it would make cry...things began going downhill for me...to keep going....I became a cab driver because the job matched my horrible sleep patterns...sleep all day and stay up all night.... Soon after the tumbling crashing of my life, ten years post-NDE, I re-injured my neck...a car with a lady screaming at her kid in the back seat smashed into my cab... The hospital sent me away with only a prescription for pain pills...and muscle relaxants...with no money...horribly injured in every sense of the word...I became homeless...
The way back to the world of the living took some divine intervention and several years of re-learning what kind of the love God was talking about when I booted myself out of heaven again. Loving our family is a good thing...but only when I learned to love the homeless...the broken hearted...the masses of those who for whatever tragedy
there lives had left them physically, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt... was I able to get hat lesson about love learned... inside all who have a soul...there is
something worth loving...it is love itself... my journey has been to draw closer to making everyone everywhere a part of my family instead of just a few...souls who could break my heart...but I am convinced we come to this world in human bodies to get our heart broken...so that we can learn forgiveness...
I think much more highly of myself than I appear to others...but that is okay...today
I know that little acts of loving kindness are more important than anything else there is...more than being a good father or a husband...more than healing the sick and raising the dead... gentleness is the quality of love...not the brassy outward expressions of our efforts to love...moments of compassion with actions behind them...this is the substance of love...when faced with the option of revenge...holding back... these are the lessons that I have learned that are far superior to the lessons of raising good obedient children and bringing home a paycheck will give me about love. I am not saying to not raise good obedient children and ditch your job...but if our world is defined by a job and our family then we are
headed for a fall...our family and our job are not enough to make it through this life...we need as much love as we can get to learn the lessons we need to learn about
love...
I don't watch television... I haven't for thirteen years...okay an occasional
something every once in a blue moon... but I guess where this letter is headed...even if in a convoluted path....is toward when will we quit falling into bodies.. I have an answer but it may not be everyone's answer... but for me... I am not going to earn my way into heaven... I know God who is love...loves me and will not judge me...
I just don't want to have my heart broken anymore...and I don't want to break anymore hearts... I don't watch television anymore because I cry when I see someone hurt... and why in the world would I want to cry anymore...this world of illusions is heartbreaker for sure...I am going to live every day to try and find little ways to
love and be loved... little acts of loving kindness... forgiveness...joy...and joyful laughter... and when it is finished for me in this life... I will travel on to the next life... and I have made a deal with my higher self... I will only return to a body where death and dying is not part of the learning...
Rather than break any more hearts...when I make it to the other side again... I am not going to hold my head down....but look straight into the face of love...and this will end my falling... Like I said before...I may give it one more shot but not in this world of death and dying....but a new earth...free of death's debris. I will not earn my way into the light... It is not about being bad or good...it is just that I don't want to watch horror movies and war movies anymore... I don't want to watch sitcoms with little white lies anymore... I don't want to see sad love stories anymore... I want the real deal... I want to see love wherever I go... I am not there yet in this life...and that is why I am still here...yet some day soon... I am going to see the world through rose colored glasses...and I will only see love... maybe this next life without death and dying will do it for me... I don't know...because that is the only future that my dreams know about... It is not about God judging us but rather when we...all of us...decide that we no longer want to have our heart's broken and no longer want to break hearts...that we will quit falling into bodies...
One way to do that is to forgive everyone that we need to forgive...that way we will not feel tempted to fall again into a body to make amends.... and we should live our lives as lovingly as we can...that way we will not feel compelled to try again... when we forgive ourselves and that means forget...then we are no longer a we...we becomes love and love is all there is where time ends...
Where time ends...I met God...but only on my way back did I see a lesser God...a God who looks like a man... in my heaven we are orbs of light... In heaven I can put clothing and bodies over me...but I don't have to...the image of God who is love is a radiating light of love...The image of God who is love is every love in every dimension...and that being doesn't need a robe or a scepter...That God doesn't need a body///That loving God doesn't need to be male or female... That God doesn't need to break hearts..Love is the image we all have below us and it doesn't have to look human at all...
but this lesser God... I call him the Librarian...most call him God... he looks like me...full of pride...for the world he created...and each person who makes the deal with him to forget the other side...gets to go down and enter a vessel that dies... I
met love on the other side...and though I am still playing the game of death and dying... I will never forget the love that is waiting for me on the other side... that deal with this Librarian...off... I may still pray to this lesser God when things are grim but mostly today... I just want to stay in the flow of loving kindness...let it take me where it goes... but I contracted with many, many souls before I was born...to help them learn their lessons of love and forgiveness...and for them to help me learn my lessons of love and forgiveness. I will let you down if you give me a chance...and you will let me down too... hearts are meant to be broken...that is what they do...but I forgive you ahead of time and I hope you willl forgive me...and let's get back to our final art project... creating love in love's image...