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epiphany--to invest in myself
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Date: 8/25/2007 8:35:28 AM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2036 times I bought my tin of full cream milk at the mart. Clad in a loose red dress and slippers--clothes I would never, I repeat, NEVER, wear out-- I felt surprisingly easy. Yes, easy. Easy was good. I spotted girls in the mall, dressed in blouse, shorts and slippers, deep in conversation with their gfs. A pang of jealousy hit me. I felt as if these girls were dangling their blemish-free skin to me. "How I wish I had her skin," I thought.
However, a moment later, as I slowly walked through the crowded mall, peering at clothing stalls and fast food restaurants, it hit me, "You have all the raw material to be so stunning. You just never had someone to tell you how." ALL the notions that were entrenched in my minds the poisonous perceptions that I am never good enough, accomplished enough, pretty enough, courageous enough, suddenly disappeared--because they were ALL wrong.
"But, I will tell you how," my inner voice whispered. I broke into an epiphanic smile. It was right. All the self-help books I have been reading during the holidays to help me recover from my past trauma and reinvent my life suddenly made sense to me when they asked who I am and what I envision myself to be.
My definition of a belle is a lady with a child-like innocence mingled with a mature flamboyance. She had beauty(physical appearance), brains (mental capacity) and brilliance(personality and talents).
I have been told I am pretty. My boyfriend he fell in "love at first sight" when he met me. It is true I do think I have pretty features, with bright sweet eyes, a delicate nose and lucious lips. I have thick black long hair and a feminine contour. But the stinging words from my parents since childhood continues to affect me. With my eating disorders and resulting weight gain and now eczema, it has become especially hard to see how beautiful I really am anymore. I realized it when I cruised the mall corridors--I was beautiful.
Beauty to me, is attributed by a slender frame, a subtly sexy outfit, high heels, porcelain skin, long black rebonded hair and sexy makeup. By fasting, I can attain the frame and skin. A milk bath may be beneficial to my skin texture and colour. A good use of moisturizer and ovo-lacto vegetarian (with fish) diet can support the benefits of the fast and contribute to lifelong beauty.
I am an intelligent girl and have the potential to go extremely far. How else could I earn a seat in the prestigious medical school here? I will be big one day and I know it. I speak eloquently and adroitly and carry myself well. However, all the trials I have endured have dispersed all my concentration on my work. I am not diligent in my work and find excuses to skip school.
Brains to me is the ability to analyze, assimilate and articulate wisdom. There is something esteemed about a wise person. I ought to work hard and make a mark for myself. I am a resplendent being composed of profound substance. Steady each day and I will earn my dean's list and research award.
I am a strong-willed compassionate girl who has a charismatic personality and can easily strike up a conversation with a stranger. I am adventurous, curious and passionate. Are these not strengths to be proud of? I am a musician, dexterous on both the piano and the violin. I enjoy languages, math, history, geography. I love playing chess, pool and scrabble. I am a natural runner. But all these time growing up and caught in the race of becoming someone for the sake of gaining other's attention and appraisal, I have committed to my talents half-heartedly and let others rob my soul from me. It is a terrible fact.
Brilliance is to me an aura. I love my personality and my interests. And I will embrace them by engaging in them by finding pockets of time between studying medicine and living life to enrich my heart and enliven my soul.
To be a belle is to a free lady, to own one's sovereignty, to look inward and develop oneself to a whole. It is not about trying to earn other's affection and applause, but to be someone of high significance and contribute greatly to this world while I am alive, and to be rewarded, at the end of the day, to win the love and gratefulness of millions. Love for others begin with the self. To be a belle is not rushing to greedily absorb all my surroundings, but to slowly and quietly be observant and intrigued by my environment. It is to know what my vision is and how possible it is to reach it and to go along living each day of this short life, being pulled towards it and seiving out the important things in the external world in order to bring a fascinating dream into a awe-inspiring reality.
Just shifting my perspective, I can see how close I am to being the belle. I am the belle.
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