Day 1

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point-that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative- self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them."


Date:   8/21/2007 10:45:55 PM   ( 17 y ) ... viewed 1967 times

I want to clean up my health--life. Trapped in this sick insecure frustrating limbo of eczema, I want no more. I want to do something about this. I have been very depresed lately, skipping classes, staying in bed all day except when I have to work. Tearing up a lot and deep in thought, I find my sleeping growing more scarce and binge/purge tendencies (not always actual frequency) more acute. There is alot of pain inside me and I decided this morning to begin to take each step in the direction that will bring me to my vision.

Sometimes it hurts being a huamn, to have a heart that is capable of a frightening range of emotions. Ecstasy, gladness, satisfaction, gratefulness, compassion, love, hope, melancholiness, depresseion, nostalgia, contrition, regret, guilt, moroseness, anger, fury, jealousy, envy, hatred, hopelessness, helplessness, numbness, nothing. The heart never skips a beat, never pauses a second, from cradle to grave. To be incredibly beautiful yet only able to see all the flaws. To be stunningly gorgeous yet plagued by sickness. To fall in love yet not understand why he behaves so cooly. To discover the freedom to choose yet be beleaguered by your own parents. To desire a new good life yet all you ever know is the destructive, damaging past--how do I go from here? To find the child in me when I pick up a medical textbook or read a patient's moving tale of his struggles yet too fatigue to get to school. To want to fall asleep sweetly and wake up excitedly yet going through each day as if you are passing time. Because, this person, the "you", I see now is not who I am, who I believe myself to be, who I want to see myself become.It evokes pain. A pain so quiet but deep that it pierces the soul and spills out in silent tears.

I want to clean up my life. The one way to do it correctly and quickly is to do this 25 day water fast. I want to be the girl I have always dreamt to be. There must be more beauty to being a human than suffering

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