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My life and my boyfriend (reflections)
So I had a tough life. So what!
Date: 8/23/2007 3:46:26 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 1828 times I stayed up after a 4hr sleep. Man was I tired! I was glad I actually went to bed after I returned from school.
During the time I was awake, I laid in bed reflecting. I started tearing up when thoughts of my boyfriend came to my mind. It has been hard for me for quite a while now and if I am not gloomy, I am melancholy. Absolutely nothing cheered me up.
I came to a conclusion that yes, I am going through a LOT and I am not handling everything well at all because I am a sensitive girl by nature. I observed this distinct nature of my personality from all my memories, from childhood till now.
When I was a child, I desired to be as pretty as a model. I was playful and I enjoyed experiementing to see where my interests lie. I found that I liked sports, painting, math and adventure tales. I liked eating good food. I was a popular girl at school and a teacher's pet. But I clearly remember how painful my childhood was in lieu of all the wonderful things that did happen. Because of my parents and their inimical influence rippled through my growing up years. During my childhood, I recall being talked down to (useless, bastard, stupid idiot, who I thought I was when I wanted to be a doctor, actress etc) and called names (unpretty, fat). I was forced to stop "wasting" time on my interests and to do what they wanted:living up to their image of me as a "prodigal" musician and an error-free immersed student. My parents beat me up real bad when I was 9 and at 10, I sublimated my anger into telling my parents to back off; I became independent. I saw my parents fight frequently and fiercely, condemn people over dinners, curse anyone in their sight when things in their life do not go their way, have two opposite personas inside and outside the house and quarrel with neighbours. My sensitive nature went down a notch because I was ripped off the worth I found as a kid, poorly nurtured, robbed off what I enjoy, forced to fit someone else's "ideal" image, beaten up and being confused if parents are being the right role models at all.
The most damaging rerpurcussion is a battered self-esteem. My entire adolescent was spent trying to be prove I am worthy of loving attention. Being told I was fat and ugly, I believed it whole-heartedly. This launched a dark period of slimming drugs, eating disorders, sickness. I became very self-conscious and withdrawn. I believed the only way to compensate for my lack of physical appearance was to ace academically. So I pushed myself. Fortunately, I was academically blessed and went from a top school to another and finally fulfilling my dream of becoming a med student. I had many boyfriends who truly loved me but I never reciprocated their feelings; I was so insecure I constantly worried if I made them happy enough. I tried too hard. I saw everything through tainted lens--everything had a flaw and I was going to find it.I was threatened with the idea of being invisible and worthless. I feared if anyone saw any of my weaknesses. I acted so strong and confident, which belied a frightened, insecure little girl. My parents never stopped hitting me at least once a year and if they were not nasty to me verbally, they completely overlooked me.The entire family no longer spent time together and soon, nobody wanted to be near each other. Losing all my grandparents during my mid-teens hit me very hard because they were the stable nurturers in my life.
In spite of all the ups and downs, I continued to put up with a strong front, but I was caving in inside. At the same time, my genotype and eating disorders came back to huant me. I was seriously ill with liver problems, blood problems, weight gain and severe eczema. The idea of becoming grotesque--no kidding, grotesque--killed me and I lost all passion and courage.
At 19, I wanted to make things right. I got into medical school. I fell in love with a man, yes fell in love. And I had to fix my health.
However, my resolve with my health recovery was weaker than I expected. My health was up and down. My insecurities mushroomed. I did badly in my first year in med school. My parents were shocked at the first failure in my entire life and had to find something to blame. They decided to turn on my boyfriend. They hated that he was a foreigner, much older than me, was a divorcee with an 8 year old son, invneted the idea he was muslim and he was penniless. They were nonchalant about my fluctuating health, then began, to my shock, to physically, verbally and psychologically abuse me. I was scared for my life. Every week, I had to call for police help a few times a week. In the end I was hospitalized. I made it through my second year but I barely made it because it was shrouded by all the trauma.
My boyfriend and I had been separated for 2 years and our plans to meet kept on postponing because of all the problems in my life. Then, the problems my parents threw at him shook his life very badly. My emotional instability showed when we interacted. He has grown distant for a long time. And I had difficulty dealing with how much the relationship had cooled just because I love this man very much and we had many dreams together. In fact, we sacrified a lot to be together. I needed him badly but he was not here anymore. Two people can be next to each other but feel millions miles apart. Two people can be a millions miles apart but feel next to each other. I feel as if my boyfriend is just "gone". No wonder I tear up all the time because of all the guilt, regret, anger, worry, love and insecurity that brimmed me.
I moved out May 30, 2007. I changed my email address. I kept my address a secrecy. I changed my number and made a complaint when my parents harassed me over the phone. Since then, I was humiliated in the tabloids by my parents and med school and my univeristy were issused threats from them. It was ridiculous. My biggest worry now is getting my med school financed for this year.
At the end of the night, I discovered my sensitive core. There was absolutely no reason for me to feel insecure because I was intelligent and talented. There was no cause for me to live in my limbo just because all I ever knew was a terrible growing up environment. I have to remember I have chosen a path of independence (and happy with it). I am chasing my dream to be a doctor. I have a man I adore.
So I had a tough life. So what! haha Tyra taught me that.
During this first stage of the fast, not only do I force myself to walk away from easy resolution of my emotions, I am fired up by the idea that fasting is indeed going to fix my eczema problem and bring pretty back to my look. A little time away from my boyfriend will help me to see where we really stand and if he still cares for me the way he first did. More time in school will help to stimulate me, but making sure that I do not overexert myself physically or mentally.
This is my life and I want to take full control of it. I am seem alone and have a complicated past, but so what! It aint mean I cannot make it right for me.
I hope that this fast will help to put my life back on track. I want to be a pretty and intelligent med dean's lister with an illustrous resume. I want to pay my way through university. I want to be a great gf. And I want to be very healthy, beautifully, radiantly, naturally beauty.
A beautiful sparrow, set free.
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