|
I can do this
Journal of my cleanse by a woman with mental illness and weight issues.
Date: 7/6/2006 1:22:18 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 3361 times My name is Chrissy. I am 38 and I have 5 children and 1 granchild. I am married. I am so unhappy though. I have had just one trauma after another and it has all built up inside me. I am doing this cleanse because I need to for me and for my family.
I have decided that I need to purge the crap inside of my body that is dragging me down but the emotional vampires in my life that suck me dry.
A quick rundown:
1. Father was abusive and volatile to me as a child. Mother did not bond with me.
2. Parents divorced when I was 8. Sent me to North Carolina, my home state. I returned and my home was sold and gone. Dad gone. My puppy (schnauzer) Frisky, was gone. I never saw him again.
3. Grew up with a mentlly retarded and epileptic brother. Mom had to devote all her time to him which I understand. I mean I do now. When I was littel though it was hard.
4. Never felt loved by Mother so ran away to Dad's. Yup the one who liked to beat me with a belt. What the hell was I doing?
5. I always felt strange. Something was wrong with me. Up, down, very sexua| and so on. First boyfriend took virginity at 15 and beat the hel out of me. Found another boyfriend who was nice but by that time I was so screwed up from being hit I started hitting first.
6. Got pregnant. married this boy and divorced this boy. I cheated on him and hurt him horribly. I hate myself for it and he hates me.
7. Met another man. Had two beautiful children with him. He was horrible. He was verbally abusive. I would hit him because he called me names. Told my children horrible things.
8.Kicked him out after then years b/c I met a cop who helped me realize I didn't deserve what I was getting.
9. Only thought of cop as friend but fell in love.
10. Life wonderful. He is so wonderful to me. I thought I was done having children but I have to give this man children. Married and 2 beautiful children.
11. April 14 my only brother, the epileptic one is murdered by his caretaker.
12. 2001 I am diagnosed bipolar. I told you I knew something was wrong.
13. 2002 my wonderful husband is fired by the police dept for something he did not do. (Forged a road rage police report)We know he was set up. He had developed PTSD from a horrible accident he ws involved in almost 10 yrs earlier. A suicidal woman jumped in front of his cruiser while he was going lights and sirens to a domestic call. She was split in two and her torso landed on his lap. He never got over it and the civil trial was hell. Of course he won and there were no criminal charges. They didn't get him counseling and so year after year of unresolved issues and countless suicides, deaths and whatnot, he developed post traumatic stress disorder. Administration knew something was wrong and concocted a plan to get rid of him. he was a liability. He got his job back but after an accident where a woman was killed by a piece of ice thrown through her windshield, well, his doctors made him leave his job. So no job, lost health insurance, lost my meds for bipolar, no benefits for childen. I was so traumatized by this and the betrayal and disloyalty by cops and their wives who once were friends. I hate life. People can be so cruel. Did I deserve all this?
14. 2003, no meds for my illness, police department denied husband disability. I hate them. How could they do this to him? He was just months shy of vesting in his pension. February 14. I can't go on. I don't want to live. I try to kill myself. I fail. I am committed. Something happens to me in that hospital. Life seems so precious now. I get out in 5 days a new person.
15. I enroll in college for my degree in interior and architectural design. I love design. It is that creative bipolar thing I guess.
16. Son is almost killed in accident. His face is crushed. I can't recognize him. He survives. Person on motorcycle dies. Now I have a son who much like my Husband has
been involved in a crash where the other person dies. My boy ws 14. Just riding his bicycle. Training for football. he is a high honor roll student. Son chooses road where nobody usually drives. Motorcycle comes out of nowhere. They collide. They said it was my sons fault. That he crossed over center. My Husband was an accident investigator and they would not let him get involved. So basically the cops that betrayed my Husband investigated and came up with the fact my son had crossed the center. The man who was killed was a well-known business owner in township. The wife sued us for 300,000 from our homeowners insurance even though the man died because he pulled his tubes out twice in the hospital. They said it was still my son's fault. My son is crushed inside. He was in coma for 2 months. Almost died three times. 3x they told me to go say goodbye. If you are a parent, you can imagine my horor.
17. My Mother and my only surviving sister disown me because they can't deal with my illness. I find out my Mother has been saying bad things to my children about me. I have to stay away from people like this. They drain me. It has been a year since I saw them. I miss them on holidays but this is for my emotional well being.
18. My Husband ptsd is very hard to deal with on top of my wn illness. I feel sorry for him. he cries alot. he misses being a cop b/c he was actually a cop that was in it for the people. Life sucks sometimes. My son recovered well from accident. He still has alot of surgeries to go and now his deadbeat Dad quit his job. He has no insurance now to get fixed. I lost all my child support and now I can't pay bills. Hubby still can't fina decent job with insurance we can afford. But, life is life. I hope God will take care of me.
18. Son that was in accident is still on high honor roll. Accident didn't do anything to his brain. I got a phone call that my little guy is also being put in the gifted class.
I am a few classes from my associates degree and 2 yrs from my bachelors. I love school. I have a 3.74 GPA.
19. Oldest daughter had baby very young but is in dental hygienest school. So she did at least learn responsibility from me. However, her boyfriend who I never liked, has now poisoned her against me. He likes my daughters fathers side better so convinces her that is where she needs to be. That side are all drinkers and smokers like him and I do neither. It hurts so bad. I raised her. Her father never bothered with her all her life until she could take care of herself. When it was her birthday she would get a cupcake with a candle and her step-siblings would get parties. Her Dad was very nasty to her for some reason. She would come home crying. He probably hated me so much that our daughter was just a reminder to him. Of course the step-mother didn't help. I bought my daughter her first and second car. her father never helped. Braces? yup, I paid for. Her father thought thta his 60.00 a week was all he needed to contribute. A basically paid formy grandsons first birthday. For my daughters sake you would think my ex would come to the party. Nope wouldn't come.
My daughter moved by her dad and step-mom and spends all her time with them. Going to the mountains where my ex's parents have a trailer. At Christmas, she spent one hour with me. Picked up her gifts and left to go to her dad's. Mother's day? Spent pert of the day with me and then had to go have dinner with her step-mother. Wow. That hurt. The step-mother never had anything to do with my daughter and made sure that my ex and I were not friends. So then I fill my daughters new house with furniture and not even a thank you. MY daugher still owes me money but prefers to buy cell phone after cell phone for herself. She also bought a new stereo to put in the jeep I bought her. Unreal. Now, my daughter calls me to tell me that her boyfriend took her to the mountains with her dad and proposed to her. They had a big party. I knew nothing about it, was not involved or asked to come to the party.
20. I have not heard from my father in 6 months. He is busy with his alcoholic wife and their dog which they call their child. Dad doesn't bother with me or my sis since the death of our brother. he lives and hour away and comes to my area to visit his siblings but not me or his grandchildren.
So basically, my life is just, well, a big soap opera.
There is so much more but I am tired. IT felt good to write all this down. You will all probably think I am nuts. Through all this trauma I have gained so much weight. I think it is a thyroid problem so I am going to doctor right after this fast. Some on curezone have even told me I might have thyroid problems and not have bipolar disorder. The symptoms are similar. That would be so great. I wonder if my family would talk to me again of I had a thyroid problem and not a mental illness?
I will begin writing about my fast on next page. Thanks for listening and letting me purge some emotional issues. Now it is time to purge the crap out of my body.
Sorry about any typos. I am on day 2 and I am floaty and dizzy.
toodles,
chrissy:)
Add This Entry To Your CureZone Favorites! Print this page
Email this page
 Alert Webmaster
|
