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need to stay focused.
patience.
Date: 4/10/2006 2:10:04 AM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2004 times i'm so easily influenced... i had told my boyfriend that i was upset about having gained a few pounds and that i was feeling fat. this saturday i didn't get out of bed until 5 p.m. because my body felt so awful from having cheated on friday and i felt mentally so down... today, after seeing me in fitted clothes, he was insisting that i hadn't gained any weight and that i was just as slender... i know for a fact that i am heavier now, but still. just hearing that softens my resolve and just now i was lying in bed wondering whether i really need to fast tomorrow.
actually, i really do. the reason is not that i'm terribly overweight, but i have resolved to reach my goal weight and i am not there yet. first of all, when i do start eating again for the next time, i want to eat in a way that is sustainable, eat in a way that i could eat every day and maintain the weight loss. and when i first come off the fast, i want to be extra careful and start with just raw fruits and vegetables, slowly adding other healthy foods after a few days of raw. second of all, if i were to eat tomorrow, i would feel miserable and feel like now i have to start over again. the way to think about it is that the time for ending my fast is predetermined: it's either on my birthday or if i achieve my goal weight before then, then when i reach that weight. there's no need to debate or reconsider based on what other people say to me regarding my appearance. it's much appreciated and very nice that to other people i don't appear fatter; that can save me some anxiety, but i know for a fact that my skinny jeans are tighter than comfortable and i want them to have a little slack again. i can't let what others say throw me off. i know what i want and i don't want to delay achieving it any more. 640 more hours until i weigh myself. i don't think i'll be quite there yet then, but that will be an accomplishment. most hours are easy, it's just a few that are difficult. take them one at a time... i'll be so proud of myself when i make it to the end, reach my goal weight and stick this through. i can't wait to start eating regularly and healthily, with my body the way i want it to be, not wanting to change anything about it. there's always lots of room for improving myself in many ways, but being pleased and happy with my body would be so huge. i'm already much more happy and comfortable than i had been for a long time, but feeling like i had finally made it... like there was nothing left to fix anymore, that would be so amazing. all it's going to take is focus, patience and the strength to wait it out when i do get cravings.
i just need to go through my days, go on with my life, leave out the food for a while, and i'll be there. that's not too hard, is it?
it's really helpful to be posting to the blog and seeing other people record their struggles. seeing other people write about when they fall off the wagon helps me remember that i would feel the same if i let myself go...
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