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So far...
start, stall, reboot....
Date: 4/7/2006 2:17:45 AM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2006 times through two periods of fasting for a little over 20 days each (with one cheat day in between, so essentially, a forty day fast, if you'll cut me a little slack) i lost a bunch of weight: around 40 pounds. that was end of last year. since then, i've been in a crappy cycle of fasting a few days and then cheating, fasting again and cheating again... i've gained back a few pounds, which is really, really bothering me right now. from my lowest weight when fasting to a few days before i started this last fasting effort maybe 10 pounds. just writing that down makes me feel upset. anyways, this is the end of day 3 of this fast, and i'm determined to stick it out until i reach my goal weight (about 25 pounds below where i started this fast or for 47 more days, whichever comes earlier. and i am determined that when i complete the fast, i will transition carefully to a regular and healthy diet of foods i enjoy. ::: sigh ::: i feel frustrated that i've wasted january through march and put myself further away from my goal again, but it can't be helped, and it could definitely be worse. i have to look forward, stay focused, not get distracted, be strong in the challenging moments, and finish this up so that i can move on and be proud of myself for having accomplished something that i've been wanting to accomplish for so so many years. i've gotten very close, and this is the last push to get me to my goal. i know i can do it. in the next 47 days or less, a lot can be accomplished, so i needn't worry too much about where i am now. i really need to just be patient and let time pass, and my body will change. there are moments where time is sticky like molasses, but if you can stick it out for an hour or two, usually the cravings do go away. it doesn't matter whether it's easy or hard, as long as i can stick to the fast, the result is the same. (the reason i say this is that sometimes i have the tendency to view a day as a bad day, even if i did stick to the fast, because it was a struggle and i thought about eating. so negative, when you think about it, it's something to be proud of when I resist a temptation to eat something that i would just feel upset about from the moment i put it in my mouth...)
i kept a blog during the first periods of fasting when i stuck it out and really lost quite a bit of weight and changed my appearance a lot. it was a helpful tool for keeping myself on track. i stopped posting when i felt like i just didn't want to focus my attention on the fast, on the practice of NOT eating, and just wanted to focus on other things... and then i kind of fell off the wagon. i can't remember the name of the blog, so i'm just starting a new one. there's something helpful about posting this on the internet for like-minded people to read, somehow supportive. :)
it actually made it hard to stick to the fast at that time, precisely because i had gotten so close, and i was already feeling so slender compared to before, and also because all of a sudden various people close to me were commenting on the weight loss and telling me i should gain weight because they weren't used to seeing me like this. it's not that i'm too thin, it's just such a change and it happened so fast... so i felt like i had accomplished so much, and in the back of my head i had the helpful hints from my bf's mom that i should gain some weight, all of which made it too hard to stick to the fast past that third, fourth or fifth day hump that you experience when you're starting a fast. my poor boyfriend has been eating alone for so long now. he doesn't really understand why i want to lose more weight and kind of complains sometimes. another reason to finish this up so that i can eat with him again. probably won't be able to eat the same thing as he does, him begin the 200 pounds of muscle and metabolism of a furnace in overdrive, but i think he'd be pleased if i were just eating a salad while he has pizza so long as we can sit down together and eat together. ::: sigh again ::: why does eating have to be such a central part to what people do?? it's really annoying when you're trying to fast.
day three almost over. on to day 4. i plan to go until day 10 before i start weighing myself again. i'm a little scared to get on the scales right now although i have a pretty good idea what i weigh. so right now, making it through day 10 is the first goal. then i'll already be 20% done, at least. from then on, i think i'll weigh myself every day; it helps to keep me on track. if i've committed to getting on the scales every morning no matter what, the price of cheating becomes much higher.
fridays are the worst and have been my downfall many, many times: fridays there's a big breakfast at work. best thing is to just bypass that hallway completely and be safe.
i'm counting in hours. somehow that helps me through the harder moments, because if i struggle through an hour, that's an hour down and one less to go: more manageable than getting all the way to the end of the day. (hey, it may still be early in the morning when a craving hits me.) so i'm 72 hours down and 1128 at most to go.
i have a bunch of clothes i bought recently that i'm saving for myself as a reward for getting to various intermediate goals along the way. and i'm expecting two ridiculously expensive purses in the mail tomorrow that i will give myself if i make it through the remaining 47 days or to my goal weight. (i'm a girl, i love fashion.)
marching on... a little pissed off at myself right now for the last three months, but oh well. fresh start. it's spring, the perfect time for new beginnings (or finishing what you started, i hope.)
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