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Ugggg.......one of thoes days!
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Date: 10/25/2005 5:12:28 PM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1819 times Yep, I had one of thoes days.....I haven't had on in a really long time...
Just an overall crappy day....or have I convinced myself that it went that way? Lets see....cold and rainy, expected worker didn't show up, difficult tasks at work, ate too much at lunch, breath stunk from lunch, got super tired after lunch, left work an hour early, kept fallinf asleep on the way home, decided to go to a meeting but didn't follow through, wanted to sleep instead.....didn't sleep, or not yet at least.....
It's been almost a weeks since yoga, I ate ice cream last night after late night dinner, at ice cream after work today.....I'm screwing myself over!
And thats what I do! I get going real well and sabatoge myself....then feel like shit about it? We talked about it in therapy yesterday.....I can't remember what we said about it though....regardless, I am not treating my self well, not taking care of myself.
So when does it end? When do I stop it? Or is that the problem? Too much I? My therapist asked me how my spiritual condition was doing....what spiritual condition? So maybe I need to take the I out of everything and use the strength of god? I know that surrendering is required....do I have to let things get terrible befoer I surrender? My experience says no.....we'll sort of, more like yes. You know what they say, 'pain is a great motivator'...lets see how painful I can manke it, because thats what I seem to do!
Now to address this anger issue with my parents again. I must say it's a weird idea. Let me think back......I remember hating my stepmom so much that I wished bad things would happen to her. But I never wished to hard because I did not want my dad to hurt from losing my stepmom. I just remember despising her. Now lets think why...why did I loath her? She was the bad parent, she always knew what I was up to, always knew when I was lying, always called me on my shit. And the way it came across was very shaming, or at least I think it was. She was so critical and everything had to be her way. While at the same time, everything had to be my way because I was so selfish, being the kid I was. So she obviously got in the way of me trying to be who I was trying to be, whoever that was......
And then there is my dad, who stood beside my stepmom on a lot of things, but took my side on quite a few things tooo...things that he was eventually wrong about. He seemed to defend me quite a bid. I was his protected child, very much so. I have always been afraid of hurting his emotions. Ironically, he didn't show them very well. Seemed to keep them inside. I am upset about that. He is still the same way for the most part, especially with my sisters.
Just finished downloading some new p 0 r n, so here's a good place to stop....
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