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And so it goes....
Compulsive Overeater
Date: 10/15/2005 6:10:56 PM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1851 times As a continuation of my last entry....
I continued to obsess about going to Dairy Queen.....so I grabbed an apple....went upstairs....and was approached by a friend who had just finished eating a collosal burger and some ice cream....I blew him off quick, told him how hungry I was. I don't think I was that hungry.
The opportunity came for me to sneak away. I got in my car and drove an hour and fifteen minutes home to get my wallet. On the way there I felt anticipation. It was a nice car ride, I tend to like driving regardless of my motives. Once I had my wallet I headed back to the retreat and stopped at Coldstone Creamery on the way. Got my normal "Diabetic Shock Inducing" blend of ice cream, oreos, almonds, peanut butter, whipped cream, ghram cracker pie crust, and waffel crisps....the server did a nice job and charged me too little so I gave her a $6 tip.
Then I proceeded to cram as much of that quart of ice cream into me as I could....and it was good! All my troubles seemed so far away.....I made sure that I ate till I couldn't anymore so that I would just feel repulsed by the stuff afterwords.....it worked, but I know it won't be permanent....
I do not feel the same guilt that I did last night....perhaps because I ate the ice cream in secrecy, whereas all the pie was in front of my peers...
I certainly have done my best at trying to control my feelings and emotions by eating them. It seems to work best with sweets, ice cream in particular. I feel like I am flip floping from extreme health eating to poisonous destructive eating. I know I need to surrender....but what does that mean in terms of food. Obviously it means not binging on sweets.....but the last two times I at sweets, it was all to extreme and not in moderation. Should I even try to mederate? I think it would just be a tease to get a taste of something.....maybe even a trigger to binge.
Well, I won't beat myself up this time, I am aware that I am exercising control over my emotions.....I just need to let go if I am going to get past this insanity. Another thing that has popped into my head: Am I tring to control my emotions through eating healthily as well? Am I putting up a facade that takes me away from destructive eating? It seems that I'm still not addressing the fact that I am still trying to contol my emotions through eating....
It's time to get back to this retreat and look to my higher power for strength in these matters....
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