Third blog. Continuing and concluding background info.
Moving on to the recent past now...
Date: 8/28/2005 9:32:44 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2113 times
I waited in a daze, for October to come, and my seasonal job to come to an end. I wasnt sure what I was going to do, but I knew I was going to do something.
To be completely honest, I felt like I had lost an arm. The health and fitness regime stopped completely, replaced in full by drinking and smoking, and intermittent crying fits when in the privacy of my empty rented flat. The smoking calmed me down, and the drinking helped me sleep. The realisation that I had been living a lie washed over me too. I could have truly kicked myself for my incredible stupidity....I actually believed that she loved me....the only person, bar none, to date, who had actually cared...and that belief had nourished me; it was all I had needed, and that propelled me forward in our relationship. But realising that I was wrong made me feel completely worthless....and for that, I was on a spiralling downer. No one cared, not a single one. I also heard through the grapevine that she was telling lies to people about me.
October came and went. The job ended. I began writing to my father, making negotiations to move to the city that he lived in. He seemed amenable to the idea, which was: He let me stay, until I could get on my feet with a job, then I would get a place of my own to live in.
So, in December 1992 I moved in with him. We didnt talk that much, but we got on pretty well. But still, my heart ached. I would apply for jobs during the day, and tidy up the place, and wait with expectancy for positive replies to my letters. I signed up to job agencies too. But, there was a problem. You see, my dad, despite taking home six hundred pounds a week, didnt own a telephone. He had never needed one. This made it dificult for employers to reach me, so I would walk into town to check the agencies every day (at least the ones within a couple of miles!), and look for any available work. And I got work. Well, at least some short term assignments. But never anything permanent. And this wasnt really suprising, I learned to my dismay, as the recession was deepening, and I was competing with the 8000 or so graduates the local universities were churning out each year, in addition to everyone else on the labour market.
My dad eventually became less accomodating. He developed a belief that I was work-shy, and using his home for a crash pad. He never confronted me at the time with these beliefs. but it was evident that this was what he felt. Work for me was so infrequent that I was just sat in his home, meditating, reading or pondering what to do with my life. What he did do was stop feeding me, and for the last eight months I spent at his home, I lived on oats and horrible, stale, alkaline city water... I lost four stones in weight in those eight months! But, my determination to succeed was strong. I was applying relentlessly for work, via the local paper, jobcentre etc. Hope was all I had left.
Time went by. I was getting nowhere. My father and I hardly ever spoke. (The one time he offered to help me, he came into the lounge and put a wad of notes on the table. About four hundred pounds. He left it there, and I just stared at it. When he came back into the room later, it was still there. I wouldnt take it. My body was screaming out for a square meal, but on principle, I wouldnt take it from him. It would have made him seem right about me. He picked it back up, and pocketed it).
Finally, I decided to return to my home town. I had tried this city, for a full eighteen months, I had tried. And I had failed royally. So, I went back to my old town. And forever the pauper, I had to beg my mother to accept me back. I was sick to the guts.
After a month or so, I got a job, working on a go kart track, in a nearby town. I did this for a while, before getting a better job in an electronics factory. Met a girl around this time, and we moved in together. She fell pregnant, and gave birth to our daughter (who is now 8 years old) I completed an electronics apprenticeship there, and three years of technical college, culminating in a college degree level qualification. I stayed with that company for close on 10 years. Then, I gave notice and left. Time to try something new!
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