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Broken Fast before my due date but I'm only human...
2. I'm not perfect I'm human, I'm not a failure, I will learn from this experience and it will help me to grow! It will aid in my success in the future.
Date: 6/30/2005 1:16:54 PM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 3536 times I have been off the juice fast for the past 3 days. I've been seeing this guy who has this innate love of baked foods, probably because his mother use to own a bakery growing up. Anyway, on tuesday I had a desire to bake him healthy banana muffins and carrot muffins. I told myself that I could definitely bake these muffins and not want to sample them myself. Well once they came out of the oven I couldn't resist, I ate them. On Wednesday the same, I ate and ate. Thursday today, I started again eating and eating. I feel incredibly sick and bloated. While I'm upset that I broke the fast over such a stupid thing, I have learned 3 things.
1. I hate overeating.
I feel sick and bloated and tired and I have no energy or desire to go to the gym or be active. I just want to stay inside where it's cool. Also I acknowledge that I could have stopped eating after tuesday and I'm trying to piece together where things went wrong. My sister is in town and that's a lot of pressure on me. She's always telling me, I'd look so great if I would just lose 10 lbs. Then theres this new relationship. I'm seeing a white guy which is not unusual for me, I live in a pretty diverse city where interracial dating is pretty much the norm and isn't even considered an issue with most of the hipster young adults here. Anyway, I think my problem has to do with him. He says to me, he's never dated anyone that didn't have blonde hair......I think that I feel a little pressure to conform here. Not that I'm going to go out at dye my hair blonde. But I do get the impression from what we've talked about and from pictures that i've seen of his exes that he goes for the "barbie" look which I am far from ever being. So yes, I have felt a little insecure about the relationship because of that eventhough hes never given me the impression that he wants me to change anything about myself, yet personally, I do feel the pressure. Now I need to figure out why I'd want to sabotage myself and my efforts because I'm feeling this way about things....
2. I'm not perfect I'm human, I'm not a failure, I will learn from this experience and it will help me to grow! It will aid in my success in the future.
The tendency to regress back into old habits is still there despite all of the work that I've done over the past few weeks. One thing that I believe to be true is that my effots can not be negated because of a few bad days. I have seen the darker side of my personality that I'm trying to escape from, it's still there and I'm surprised at this. It's almost as if it is actually a part of me as opposed to something that I have been relating to only externally over the past few weeks. This is an eye-opener. It also scars me too. As much as I've grown physically and emotionally over the past few weeks I can still come back to this. I still have these weaknesses that I haven't overcome, nor do I know if I will ever be able to or if these issues will always be there. Under the surface, just waiting for a trigger to be activated again....
3. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I won't give up.
I know how I feel when I take care of my body and pay attention to what I'm putting into it. I know the feeling of elevation and clairity that comes from this. And I love the feeling and I want it back so I'm going to work towards it again. Unfortunately I also know what it feels like on the other side of the fence, the feelings of hurt and frustration and guilt and confusion that can (surprisingly) so easily resurface if I'm not careful. I guess it comes down to a choice. My life has been so different and wonderful and meaningful since I've incorportated fasting and healthy living. I won't decide to go back to the person that I was before, and I choose not to be her again. This is my choice! The only person that can hold me back is me! The only person that makes me NOT do or achieve everything that I WANT and dream of is ME!! This is so powerful. It means that we can be anything that we want to be we have the potential to do it!!
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