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1/5/14: Trying to cherish what I have.
My daily journey toward a healthier lifestyle, a happier life and finding peace in my own world.
Date: 1/10/2014 2:51:41 PM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 1123 times January 5, 2014
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~ Maya Angelou
First day home since spending 4 ½ days with the Cowboy, his brother and his brother's girlfriend. I got stranded up there, as there was a huge snow fall, and it was too dangerous for me to drive home. I tried 2 times on New Year's Day, but the roads were too bad, even the the highway. So I called J. and told me and she told me to come back. So I spend more time with D. then I expected.
The party was AWESOME! We had to go to a couple places to find the alcohol that N. wanted, while D. was picky as well. I just got me some Smirnoff's Ice for myself. I ended up spending about $70 dollars on alcohol, which I wasn't too happy about. N. had me buy him his Apple Ale, which he said he would pay me back for and he didn't, plus he got Jack Daniel's Honey. D. got some Burbon. The Vodka gummy bears and gummy worms were a hit. J. took a bunch of picture of me and D. together, which is lovely since I don't have anything. Those were the first. The only thing that wasn't great, is that D. got really drunk and started to be a jerk about things. He got out of the car when we stopped to pick him up a coffee, and we had a hard time getting him back in the car. Once we got back to J.'s house, he wouldn't come in the house, so his brother, N., stood outside with him for 45 minutes. When D. finally did come in, he disappeared somewhere with J. Nate told me that D. is jealous of him and J. I told him that he didn't need to be jealous, but N. knows how much I love his brother. J. later told me that D. just needed time, and he loved me to death, but spiritually, he just does not feel a connection. J. told him, he was being stupid if that was the only thing preventing him from having a relationship with me.
I have to say that I felt really stupid, because I know he doesn't want a relationship with me, even though I really hope he might change his mind. I know it sounds more stupid when I put it in words. I guess it show what type of person I am, waiting for a man that love me but not enough to want to be with me. Sigh.
I guess the highlight was when I got to snuggle in D.'s arms and fall asleep on the couch with him sometimes on New Year's Day. J. snapped a picture of us, and sent it to me, knowing that I would love it. I DO. It isn't the most photogenic, as my hair is all over the place, but it is beautiful. D. is holding me close and that is all that matters to me. It is all I have in this cruel world called love. Sigh.
So, I am now home, mulling over what had happened and what it means. Of course, I am going to analyze things. It is the only hope I have. I know, as it has happened in the past, D., will withdraw and stop talking to me, as he always does when ever I get too close to him. It is almost like he is afraid of someone loving him. Yet, he is the only that is jealous of N. and J. He could have some to cuddle and hold hands with, but he chooses not to.
I guess that is what hurts the most. I allow myself to fall in love with someone who I thought was serious about his decision to love me. I would have never given him my heart if I know he was going to flip flop about the choice. I guess that is why my heartache is so deep. A lot of things happened, one major thing that he was never told about. Not because I wanted to keep it from him. Only because it would have hurt him more, if I told him. Plus, I was afraid that he would hate me for the accident that wasn't suppose to happen. A heartache, because it never was to be, no matter how much I wanted it to be. I still cry about it sometimes.
Sigh, so I am home alone, riding on a happiness high, which I know will only last a couple more hours, because I return to worrying and wondering why I am not good enough for him.
DAILY MORALE: Lonely
EXERICISE: walking, 1.01 miles
WATER INTAKE: approximately 7 ounces
WEIGHT: 151 pounds
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