Day 2 by ausjulie Blog entry

Blog: One month to live - 30 day challenge
by ausjulie

Day 2

a lot to say and most of it is for me so i can read back and remember these thougths. this really does work!

Date: 4/23/2008 1:33:06 PM ( 16 y ) ... viewed 1775 times

Today a few questions are asked:
Do you see your life more as a safe ride or a trip on the Big Dipper? What areas of your life are safer than others?
If I was answering this question even one year ago I would have said absolutely on the big dipper. I lived very much taking advantage of all that we had. I was constantly planning our next holiday and we did so many wonderful things as a family. I also felt very much like i was living day to day and not worried about the future. However that changed a lot, my husband particulary felt very uncomfortable about our financial status. I felt like the money we earnt should be spent on our lives, travel and holidays in particular. He felt like we needed to buy a house and have some security. So we stopped doing many of the things we enjoy and started to save save save. We bought our house one month ago. And i feel a great sense of accomplishment but also feel like i am on the safe ride. I know it is important to plan for your future and be financially stable - i get it now...but i dont want to stop enjoying our life. Sooo i have to learn to save a little spend a little! We can still do so many things as a family that we enjoy that we can afford. I want the house but I want the experiences with my kids. We planned to do a lot of renovations to the house but I have come to the conclusion I can live with out finishing the house but i cant live with the thougth that in 5 years time i am going to realise i missed out on my kids time living at home with us becase of a new kitchen! the kitchen may come some day and if it doesnt that is fine too but my kids are here today and I am not going to apply the some day thinking to them. When we are doing what we all love as a family i am my most happiest! So I'm hoping back on the big dipper! Yahoo! Startign with going down to the beach this weekend and just spening time as family. consciously thinking about the time i have now and how i want to spend it.
This made me realise too how different my husband and i are. I couldnt really care less about things and money and a secure financial future. He on the other hand wants to see something as a result of all his hard work. Something concrete. I understand that and i am glad he feels like that becase honestly i would go thru this life never planning for our future. I guess what i am trying to say is i think we are both right and we compliment each other. i have taught him to let go and not worry about stuff. He has taught me that some stuff you have to worry about. The important thing is finding the balance and lately i just havent had that.

Another thing this question made me think about is some areas i have taken the safe route on since coming to America. I think in Australia we are more free with our thoughts. Here is an example. Before we moved over here i joined the protest against the war. I marched and i wrote letters. When i moved here i wrote a letter to the editor in large paper and it was published. Basically stating how anti war and Bush i was. My name and suburb was printed. My neighbour asked me if i was worried aoubt my comments being published in the paper and the ramifications it could have. Another friend advised me to lay low as being a "trouble maker" could effect our legal status in the states meaning it might be hard for me to get a visa next time. Never in Australia would i have thought my actions would ever result in anything negative. However here i do think about it. I think this is so true for many americans and it has permitated into my life. I think people here fear so many things and i just didnt feel like that back home. i remember my daughter was in a dare program at school and to graduate you had to take a pledge that you would never do drugs or alcohol. I think the program is a completely rediculous concept, the "just say no" mentality just doenst work. drugs and alcohol are part of our life learn about them, what there effects are, what it can do to your life, educated people to make the right choices. i would voice this to my kids so instead of takign the pledge my daughter wanted to write a letter saying she thougth the shcool shoudl offer education and did not want to pleadge to saying no. i told her i thought she was right but to keep the peace she should just sign the pledge. i didnt want her to be labeled a "trouble maker" and have a difficult time at school. Now i realise what a bad bad bad decsions that was. I should have supported her and suffered the consequences whatever they were (if any). I can tell you i would never have thought like that back home. i dont want to live in fear. i could go on and on about the difference between living here and home but the reality is i live here. i want to reclaim the way i lived in Australia and apply those same morals, values, standards to my lifestyle here. Oh gosh i may just start protesting again!

The other quesiton is: Are you doing anything in your life righ now that requires faith? Are you looking at life from God's perspective or form ground level perspective?
This was tough for me. i read it and shut the book and moved onto something else. i thougth i cant do this. Its too Godee! So i left it for a while and went back to it later in the evening. The only way i could approach this was to replace the words.
Because i dont believe in the concept of god or our father or lord. so i dont have faith. i do believe there is a higher power but that is an energy force that is created from all members of the universe. i believe we all are what makes up the high power. So i have faith in the universe and every member of it. i have faith in our connection to each other. And i have not being recognising that faith enought lately. I also believe that every action effects the balance of the universe. So this is my "god's perspective". i want to move from my ground level of just living my life and move to my higher perspective and remember that everything i do has an impact.

Along with the questions there are three tasks.
Task 1. If you were certain your life as you know it would end in a few weeks, what would be your biggest regret? Why?
Easy the way i have parented my eldest son. From the ages of when he was three to five i was very unstable. I know now i was going thru major post partum depression but at the time i didnt do anything about it and he bore the brunt of it. i also had two more children very close togther and he had to take on responsibilites that no one should expect from a 3 year old. I was not fair to him i was not loving and i did not do a good job. I was violent towards him as well. IT is very hard for me to admit this and everytime i think of it i cannot hold back the tears. I slowly got better and the saying "once you know better you do better" really applies. My parenting skills improved and by his sixth year i was doing a better job. However i cannot accept what happened. I often wonder if this impacted on his personality. He is very different to me. He is much more organised, very structured always has been. He thinks about things diffeerntly and things that i dont even consider to be an issue really worry him. I have tried to bring him around to my way of thinking chill out dont worry but i think that has only caused him to feel like i think there is somehting wrong with the way he is. i want to get over this and just let him be who he is. i cant change what happend and who knows if it really had that much of an impact or not. the thing is it happened cant take it back as much as i would like to but i can change how i parent him now. i want to accept him for who he is and let him know i love him the way he is no need to cahnge a thing. the funny thing is despite all my tryign to change him he is extremely confident self assured and unwavering on his way of thinking. i have to let go of all the emotions towards him that feel like he is different and doesnt fit in. i know he challenges me lately to get my attention typical teenage behavior. And i havent really dealt with it very well. i can do better. i will do better. i will ignore the bad and just concerntrate on the good. i want him in my life forever and that starts each and every day. Gosh this really does work. That is so easy for me to do. Actually it feels like it is already done. Last night i didnt enter into the conflict and just let it go. I came home and he was wathching TV instead of doing a major english project. we have a no TV rule during the week unless all work is done. he knew he was doing the wrong thing and i normally would have yelled at him. Last night i just calmly said no tv mate until your done, and walked away. I was also much calmer at dinner table i didnt enter into any of his negative comments instead i tried really hard to focus on the postivie. i was also calmer becase i drove home slowly! it makes such a big difference. i love my son and i want to show him that each day. I dont want to regret how i parented his teenage years.

Task 2. In what areas of your life are you suffering from the someday syndrome? Make a decision today never again to use the someday, when things settle down" Realize that today is your someday.
This i think i talked about above. I can use the someday when it comes to material things or fixing up the house. and that someday may come or may not it truly is not important to me. I will not say someday to my family or to my needs. I will not say someday i will be an active member in my community. My dream job is to help young mothers in need. i would like to help them with the basics in life like learning how to look after a baby, nutrition, cooking, shopping budgeting all soughts of things that they may not have learnt. Help them aquire basic skills that will improve there life and hopefully allow them to work on themselves. Once i gained some experience and skills I would eventually like to work in a third world country. So is it time for me to start workign towards achieving this? If i am true about this being a 30 day challenge this is one major thing. I knew it would come up but i dont know if i have the committement to follow thru. Am i willing to keep applying the someday rule to one of my dreams? Cant answer that right now. Part of me says yes my family is more important to me. But part of me knows this is just a cop out and this dream deserves attention.

Task 3. what symbol or metaphor wuld you choose to descrive what your life would look like if you were fully engaged? Try to come up with something as unique as you are. Find a picture of that symbol, place it in a spot where you will see it every day, and use it to remember to live with no regrets?
Still working on this it would be something that would reflect my desire to balance my commitment to my family and the commitment i feel towards this universe. Something that says i can do both and feel successful at balancing both.