Just have to confess. I'll feel better. :(

[61748... Isn't it funny how we hide behind those 5 numbers...? Afraid of what people will be thinking?]

I wouldn't really call it a 'binge'. Well, I guess it was. I never used to be so attached to food. When I was a little girl, I hardly ate. It was just natural - I didn't really enjoy eating too much, I just wanted to play. The school nurses used to call my father and ask him if I was being deprived of food, I was so thin. Transparent.

I honestly cannot remember when that ended. It's fuzzy, but I began eating. A LOT. Maybe it's because I was in competition with my brother - my mother seemed to praise him for all of the food he ate, and maybe I wanted some of that praise. I remember bragging to her all of the pizza I ate, and feeling disappointed when I didn't receive the attention I desired.

Or maybe not. Maybe something else happened. I don't remember much of my childhood - only snippets. Scary snippets of my father and the abuse to the women.. of how I felt like I was walking on eggshells in order not to set off a tripwire and have him yell at me. 'Daddy, I love you..'

I remember once when I was younger, perhaps around 6 or 7, and I felt so unloved that I grabbed a candy bar I had bought with my mother [my parents were divorced. I loved going to my mothers because I felt safe] and because I had specifically got it WITH HER, it still had her energy. I craved that safeness. I ate that candy bar, with the essence of 'mom' on it, and cried, mumbling with bits of chocolate and coconut in my mouth 'No one loves me.. I'm good for nothing. I'm alone.' I knew at that moment I didn't want to eat. Eating wasn't satisfying. It was love I wanted, and that candy bar provided the feeling of love from 'mommy'.

Maybe that's when it started.

I didn't begin gaining 'fat' until 16 years old. Then the regular cycle happened - anorexia [kind of. No hospital visits]. Overeating, recently bulimia. I am dealing with a severe intestinal disorder that makes eating seriously painful. Because of this horrid fear of the pain, I have this irrational fear that if I eat, it won't be digested - it'll just sit in my stomach. That's when I started throwing up. I choose to know how I got that fear, but I still have it. I have to ask the other adult in this house for reassurance that the food I eat WILL, in fact, be digested and won't just fester in my stomach forever more.

Even though I eat a raw foods diet, I still binge. I started raw foods for the healing properties, and I read that raw foods usually cures binging. When I wake up in the morning, I immediately think of food. All day I have that downward slope of eating, eating to feel better, eating to feel better from the physical pain, ect. By night I promise myself 'I won't do it tomorrow'. "Like an addict, tomorrow never comes." ~ Quoted by a very wise and intelligent friend of mine.

I don't remember any emotions I'm trying to hide by food. In fact, I wonder WHY I'm binging so so so much. It's that 'I HAVE to eat' feeling, because I get so irritated, angry and fussy that I piss off the people in the house. I could tough that out, but I have no desire to make them go through that. I see the importance of getting alone, to deal with this and many other issues.

I've had people tell me why they think I'm binging - One Wellness Practitioner says I'm malnutritioned due to the tiny tears in my intestines. Andreas Mortiz the Ayurvedic healer thinks it's from other astral entities that haven't left after my soul called for help when I was going through the trauma from my past. He says there are more than one because of my drastic personality changes. Another Shamanic Healer agrees with Andreas. A clinical physiologist thinks it's hidden emotions, a Naturopath told me I have a MASSIVELY LARGE amount of parasites and, from her emphasis, a major overgrowth of Candida. [I would do a parasite cleanse, but a lot of products hurt my intestines to the point I think of giving up with my life].

I'd like to fast, but I have a hard time getting through the first 18 hours.

Today I put my foot down and said 'Forget it! I'm going to eat what I want, WHEN I want it.' My roommate just looked at me like I was crazy, because, that IS a crazy notion for me. To eat, with my digestive tract in the state it's in! So I made my 45 minute drive to Whole Foods, picked up the foods I wanted to eat, and made my way back home, consuming a few handfuls of raw pumpkin seeds, a bite of quinoa, 2 rawfood Larabars [like energy bars], and small bowl of raw cacao nibs with 3/4 cup raw cashew butter, half a banana, and agave nectar. Yes. In one sitting.

Now, for some growing teenagers, that's just an afternoon snack. But my tummy isn't used to me actually KEEPING the food in my stomach - I usually throw it up to relieve my intestines. Lemme tell you, I TRIED to throw up. I was in so much agony, my stomach was so distended, that I stuck my fingers down my throat like there was no tomorrow. But nope, nothing came up. Nothing but a little, LITTLE liquid.

And that fear is still here, the 'OMG, It's not going to digest! It'll just SIT in there.'

And the worst part is...?

I could still walk into that kitchen and eat more. :(

That's all. Thanks.

-The hidden number