Re: Just have to confess. I'll feel better. :(

Oh, you poor darling. I'm not sure about the whole code of responses on this site, but I wanted to tell you that I understand how you feel. I could have written your post, down to the recent raw diet, the bulemia, the anorexia etc etc. I recently finished the master cleanse, 21 days - 8lb loss :(. Now three weeks out I have gained all that weight back and have the urge to eat like there is NO tomorrow! I have hunger from every pore. Like you I wake each morning with food on my mind...what can I eat? What treat, I want nuts, I want sunflower butter, I want maple syrup, I want a big smoothy, 2 banana's...then I'm full...for an hour...before I begin again thinking of food!

It's driving me insane...to complete distraction! One practitioner suggested parasites to me also! I started the Miracle-Mineral-Supplement protocol to swipe them, but had to stop incase I'm pregnant! Yep, I'm hoping I am...so I have a psychological excuse for eating! Mind you, I gained 50lb's with both of my pregnancy's!

I've never been overweight (except when pregnant) and been THIN 98% of my life. Like you, as a child I didn't need food! But I remember when it began for me. I started to use my ability to control my food intake - like power! My parents were splitting, things weren't great. I have an overweight mother that hated herself. I remember pinning a note to my curtain at 8 - it read "I hate myself". I have NO idea where that came from! I'd been a very happy child with no major events to screw me up!

I think at the core there are some complex things that went on in my developing psyche and the world around me. I didn't develop a 'normal' or healthy self image at that point because of the various factors of my life. I know that for a little girl, it's sooo important at that particular juncture that she have an amazing man in her life, aka. DAD! Mine was self absorbed and drinking to excess! He was dealing with an adulterous wife and he was becoming angry and even violent (not overly). He lost sight of me...and I think from there it all just went to crap!

Ok, this is becoming too much about me...but what I'm wanting to share is my thought processes on this. I have sat so often and wondered WHY? Why? And why is every day a battle with food for me. :( I just want to eat what I like, stay healthy and thin and move on with something else to do! For crying out loud...with the energy I've extended on diets, food, purging etc, I could have done a second degree and travelled the world!

:( If you find a magic off switch, please post it to me! :)

Deb
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