What you can do

Well there you go, goat. Grog just gave you a bunch of really good reasons why you did what you did. Thre is nothing you can do about your past, but you owe it to yourself and your family to start the process of healing as soon as possible.
If God can instantly forgive anything of those who ask Him for forgiveness, who are you to continue bashing yourself sweetie?
The love you start giving from now on will be greater and have more lasting effects than any mistakes you made in the past.
Holding on to anger towards your parents will also hold you back, but perhaps that's something you will need to work on later. For now, start by taking the first positive step and don't give up. You won't fail. ♥