End of day 6

Well I've ended the day with a very moderate feeling of euphoria. I feel happy, serene and I feel this tremendous love for myself which has been lacking for years. I've been gaining weight steadily for the last five years despite all efforts to lose it and I've felt like a failure until I learned I was diabetic and I finally understood all of the unexplained weight gain (like 15 lbs in 2 months one time despite working out and recording everything I ate--this particular weight gain episode demoralized me especially and made me stop working out until just recently).

Learning I had diabetes made me feel better to know that it really wasn't my fault, but knowing that has not really helped restore my self-esteem. That takes much longer and I have to go deeper to heal the feelings of helplessness I've felt over my body. So feeling like I love myself and all of my bodily flaws feels so different. I actually looked at and felt the fat on my thighs today and told it I loved it just as much as the rest of me, as weird as it sounds. I could never do that before and mean it. For some time now, I've felt this distance from my body as if it was completely separate from me and I looked at my fat as a sign of my failure. I've known thinness most of my life and fat seemed like an alien that had invaded my body and taken over. It may sound a bit new-agey, but I feel this peace with the world and with myself.

I also feel so grateful to have a fiance that loves me unconditionally and who decided to support us when I quit my job a few months ago because my work environment was very toxic and it was also affecting the degenerative knee condition I have as I often had to work upstairs in a restaurant with two floors. I also became almost crippled with feelings of extreme exhaustion, panic attacks, migraines, Depression and what often felt like an ulcer in my abdomen making it difficult sometimes to eat anything at all, even the most harmless food without the worst gut-wrenching pain. He is also supportive of me fasting and when I've suggested that I would go out with him to eat and that I would be OK not eating anything, he refused saying that he would rather support me in my efforts to get healthier even if it meant he had to give up some things. He also has loved me despite my weight gain. He met me when I was a size 8 and I have gotten up to a size 16 and he doesn't even seem to care.

I did try on a pair of size 16 pants I bought the week before my fast and they are now loose on me--not to the point of falling off, but they are roomier and I can pull them past my hips if I want too. I don't like to take my measurements, but this proves to me that the weight loss is real.

As for weight loss, it seems to have slowed as I only lost 1lb today as opposed to 3lbs yesterday and 2lbs the day before, for a total of 14lbs in 6 days. I expected the slow down to happen, so it's no big deal to me. I am grateful for what I have lost. It is not my primary reason for fasting, so I am perfectly OK with that.

I did have 5 minutes today, for the first time so far when I really wanted to eat something. It passed and I've gone back to not caring about eating food.

I do miss working out though. I was hardcore into working out many years ago before my body starting falling apart with injuries and biomechanical problems which took a lot of physical therapy to correct and I had finally gotten into a routine again during the last month before fasting. There is NO WAY I would attempt working out now. When I read posts about people working out while water fasting, I am totally shocked. Maybe if I had some great energy surge, but even then I don't think so. I barely have the energy or the motivation to do the laundry or do simple cleaning tasks, let alone work out. I am trying to heal my body and working out would just sap the vital energy my body needs for doing repairs and removing waste. I will have plenty of time to work out afterward. Healing is my only priority.

Anyway, since I've been too tired, I have not dusted in over a week and normally my dust allergy would be making me miserable right now and I would need to use a neti pot serveral times a day to get relief. Amazingly, it's like I'm not even allergic to it any more. I feel grateful to have such a powerful tool such as fasting to use to make myself healthier. I am grateful I have the time off from work to do this right. I am grateful for having a positive, supportive fiance to help me through it all.

Keep going fasters!