Re: Adult child situation--do I speak up or not?

Hey --

You can't say anything here. Despite the fact that you are really healthy about it -- stating facts, where many would instead present their own feelings, and facts that add up to a grim picture at that.

My thoughts (informed by my experience both as a mother of young ones and as a recovering alcoholic/ACOA, as you mentioned that in your subject):

1. Offer your opinion when asked. That's the only time it can do any good. But you can offer (If you are willing) another living situation, etc. -- but check your motives. Is the child findamentally OK but just not being raised the way you would have him raised? Or is the child really in danger of neglect?

2. Your daughter and her BF have not chosen to place a higher power at the center of a relationship. His history in that circumstance is divorce and (at least financial) desertion of a child. He has good intentions and some ability to act toward achieving them (i.e. the specialized training) but no long-term ability, despite intentions, to be what he could or should be, so to speak. An adult child who is living with parents is in and of itself dubious but when he brings his relationship and child into that equation -- well, let's just say that my husband is in law school, we are poor as hell, our kids are on Medicaid i.e., but we both value our family unit and our sanity and maturity enough to know that living with my folks, as great and generous as they are, was not an option -- the common welfare of our family as a unit is our first priority. Anyway, she can carry the weight financially, spiritually in terms of hope, etc. but at some point those things will fail her because she'll start to see a new truth -- not that she doesn't have tons of money, or a huge house, or a husband with a high-paying job, but the truth about him: that he is not capable of being a real father or husband because he is not capable of being self-supporting, committed to fulfilling responsibilities, desirous of having a rich relationship with her and their child despite his former child. He is purely driven by selfish motives ("I am going to take an extra year of school!" "I am going to get custody of my child [who I don't want to contribute to now in the way that I could or should...]!" "Who cares if my wife and child are uncomfortable living at my folks' -- at least it's free and I don't have to work!").

Don't get me wrong. I have great empathy for those who suffer from spiritual stagnation in their mid-30s and go through paralyzing fear of not being good enough, feeling overwhelmed, needing to rely on others, etc. I was completely one of those at 34 and 35 before I got sober. I know exactly how this guy feels and thinks. But I also know that his problem is himself and that unless he is willing to really change, nothing will ever change, if that makes sense. Your daughter's circumstances may look different, but she will still face the same fundamental person in him. We don't change unless we do change. (i.e., if she divorces him, it will be insane of her to expect child support).

You sound like a loving, respectful and kind parent. My suggestion, or what I do with a friend in a similar situation with a deadbeat husband and a kid on the way, is love the hell out of her, and make it abundantly clear that she has a wonderful life and future ahead of her with or without him, and that my door is always open to her. I won't go near "You have GOT to get out of this!" Because that's got to be someone's own realization and decision. But I sure as hell make sure the other side of that decision looks doable and attractive and supported by our family! (She is probably where your daughter is in the sense that she is afraid to leave her husband with a little one on the way, but I think God can work that stuff out.... . Also it's a pride thing -- leaving would be admission of failure for her, to a degree.)

Anyway, I hope this is helpful and not preachy. Please e-mail me if I can help in any other way -- I feel like my situation is so similar to yours!!! I won't do a lot of public b*tching, but I do think it a lot about my friend's husband and what a schuck he has turned out to be -- like me, he looked good on the outside for a while but is so selfish and dishonest and irresponsible that it could not stay surpressed for long!

Good luck and you are really so impressive the way you write and think about this stuff....

Laura

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