Re: HELP!!! soution for temper tantrums- 15 MONTH OLD JUST STARTED ACTING UP.

well we have more similarities then one would expect! I agree - it is not very popular to have your child with you in bed, and we also never let him cry to sleep or anything like that. We also noticed, that a couple of times we let him scream without trying to console him made him more clingy (that was during the day). So I am positive that that's a BAD advice. (the solution is to find out why he's screaming in the first place! It may seem that it's because he wasn't allowed to do something, but in essence, it is because he didn't have any activity for too long; if there is no activity, kids become destructive. "idle hands are devil's tools" is so true).

When you think about it - do we all really believe that if we let our child sleep with us and don't let him cry to sleep, that he will become so attached that he's gonna sleep with us when he's 30??? I don't think so. :-) If anything, he will be more independent, as I can see that our son is much more confident then other kids, and vastly less agressive; or rather - not agressive at all. He shares his toys, while you can see that other kids are "happy" that they took it away from him and so on (so we have to watch for those things for him).

As for the computer, I also work at my computer a couple of hours per day. But my wife doesnt't work, so when I have to do something, I tell him that it's not a time to play, and he has to leave. Sometimes, he doesn't want to, so I let him play a little, he just loves to touch the keyboard gently imitating how I type, and then he LOVES to turn my lcd monitor on and off million times (so far the monitor is still working, so I figure, some $200 for a new lcd is the cost of his growing up). He also loves to play with monitor settings and so on. Those are his favorites. Once I can't wait any more, I tell him, "OK lets go now" and we both leave the room, and then when he's with his mom, I come back into the room and lock myself in so that I can do the work. After about an hour or so, he will always come back, starts calling me "daddy, daddy, daddy" million times, and then starts banging on the door, and I always respond and tell him how much longer I'll be. And then I get out of the room, or let him in and he can play with the computer again.

So far I haven't really protected my stuff in any special way, hoping that he won't be able to browse my improtant documents and delete them; however, he did manage to delete half of my bookmarks... so I don't have a good answer (I do want to let him use the mouse as he loves it). Letting him play with the mouse and keyboard which are unplugged is a good solution too as he will quickly loose interest seeing that there is no effect on the screen; however, if you're not using a USB keyboard and mouse but have a ps2 mouse and kb, watch out as you may burn your motherboard by plugging it all back in while the PC is on. In your case, if you're alone with him, maybe you can work at the computer when he's asleep, or at least you can give him something he loves even more then the computer.

A few times my son started screaming because I didn't let him play with my PC while I was working, I had to raise my voice and then explain to him in a serious voice that now is MY WORK time, and that it's very important. I am sure that if at that time I let him make his own banana split or something like that (including the mess that follows) he wouldn't care about the computer... Also, I bought this fancy keyboard which promptly broke after only a few days, and instead of taking it back to the store, I gave it to my son and he loved it! However, now that he is older, he knows that it's not connected to the PC, so he doestn' care for it any more. So, yes I do recommend you get him his own keybaord. Maybe even let him play with it while you're typing. But remember that kids do expect compromises and can accept them well. So maybe, he'll "work" at your computer a little bit, then you'll give him something else, and you'll do some work while he's doing something else.

I hear you about conflicting info, and here's how I look at it: first of all, most of the stuff today's advice givers think they know, is actually wrong. Be they psychologists, or just well meaning parents, in-laws and friends. How were kids growing up during the few million years of evolution, and even up until the industrial revolution? By sleeping with their parents in one-room-hut which was their home (or cave). In more primitive societies that's how they sleep even today. And everyone went to sleep at the same time! And now all at once, after a few million years, it is "normal" to let the child cry his guts out to sleep? I don't think so.

Also, how were children "entertained"? Well, I am sure they had to participate in a lot of daily routines, from gathering food to maybe even hunting as it was unsafe to leave them anywhere else! The only thing was, communities were much more tightly knit, so grandparents or entire villages helped a lot; nowadays, that's not the case any more... which is a shame as children do need participation of the entire family ("It takes a village to raise a child"). And then to make it worse, at least in our case, when family did help a bit, they just wouldn't listen and always try to apply their own rules as to how a child is to be treated... so we'd rather not even get any help then get all the wrong help.

The most important thing  you may not be aware of: in essence our kids are like reservoirs of emotion/energy. If you look at him, he's constantly doing something. He's full of energy, and if you try to replicate everything he does, you'd probably drop dead tired after less then an hour. This is because everything kids do, makes them re-fuel those emotional reservoirs. Every kiss they recieve, every bit of food they put in their mouth on their own, every laugh that happens, every little button they push on their toys, every little thing they produce - it all fills them up with some kind of feeling. And that's the fuel that gives them life. Just to illustrate: during the course of history, a few attempts were made at finding out what would be the babies' "natural" or "primal" language. So abandoned newborns were collected and they were fed but nothing more - no communication of any kind, not even eye contact, just to see what would be the language those babies will develop.

And can you guess the results?

All those babies quickly died, even though they were healthy. Maybe that would explain the SIDS. No emotional stimulation is a death sentence. Empty emotional reservoir means - death. It's no joke. So when we allow our kids to be happy, to participate in daily things, to laugh, to play, to run, jump, wrestle with us, take our important stuff and then we have to chase them around the house while they are screaming with joy (like my son does with my glasses), we are actaully letting them re-fill their emotional reservoirs. And as soon as we forget about that most important need (remember that it is more important then food, as kids can survive without food longer then without emotional stimulation), there is the alternative - any emotional stimulation is better then none.

So they start looking for ways to make you angry, nervous, and even trying to get a slap on a wrist or a little yelling going on. That also refills their reservoir, but with negativity; but it will also keep them alive. And that determines whether they will be happy or miserable adults one day. All these people who are on drugs, alcohol, in abusive relationships, in bad jobs and so on have one thing in common: they havent' learned to fill their reservoirs with good stuff. They just don't know it as they were never given any good examples. So simple yet so important.

There was an important experiment done a while ago, with two groups of rats. One group was only given food and water and absolutely no other stimulation, while the other was given all the same, except they were given one type of stimulation - painful electric shocks. The first group of rats that was given only food and water died very quickly. This second group which suffered electrical shocks, lived much longer. This goes to prove that even negative emotion is "better" for our survival then no emotion at all.

This explains all the misery in this world. If people don't know how to recharge their batteries with positive experiences, they will have to do it with negative ones (otherwise they die!). This is a matter of amigdala, the reptilian part of our brain, the part that only has one goal in mind (besides participating in creation of memory): to keep you alive. Hence agression is super hard to control as it's a matter of life and death, quite literally (for those people who are "running on empty"). Makes one wonder what would this world look like if all these politicians, ministers, generals and so on had good sex with person they love, participated in senseless fun, watched comedies all day and so on... Hence, I always have in mind that if my son is behaving negatively, that's a sure sign that he's running on empty - either his batteries were exhausted by something that is bothering him, like teeth coming out or a diaper rash (which we treat by squeezing that oil from vitamin E pills on the irritated area), or he's ready to sleep; or no one played with him for too long. Also, I make it a point to do something good for him when he's not asking for it - like pick him up and go to do something together when he wasn't expecting that (that way he doesn't have to always pull me by my pants to pick him up and knows that he is important to me).

It is wonderful that you are also paying so much attention to raising your son! I don't know if you have visited the berkely parents network, but look it up with google, it has some good advice there too.

all the best to you!