Re: What saddens this mother of three daughters.... comments

Raising a same-sex child seems to carry more
weight and can often bring to mind the way
you were raised and how you might do it
differently. Certainly, I was fortunate to
be raised by a strong mother who emphasised
independence out of necessity but also I
towed a line since we came up in an age when
my mother's home companion was a belt on a
hook and mine did not hesitate to nab a switch
if she thought we deserved a whipping.

Today things are different and the challenge
is to raise our kids differently than many
of us were raised. As well, we have the outside
influences that many days feel like swimming
against the current. Still, often the maternal
instinct is so strong, we need to raise our
children but at the same time raise our self
since it is always a dance of pulling in and
letting go. Balance is not always easy but as
a mother, I have found recourse in determination
to speak in love, even if something is lost
in translation, or I have to mix it in with
something my daughter does not want to hear.

In our home, we were successful in emphasizing
the golden rule. This was a good single value
to hold up as a goal, as imperfect as it is.

When my daughter was little, she would watch
news or hear something in conversation, and
ask over and over, "would you love me if I
murdered?", "would you love me if I stole a
car"? etc. We would assure her that we would
be sad that she did those things, but that yes,
we would love her as long as we were alive.

We really do want to love our children and
as an adult, it can be surprising how much
it hurts emotionally to love them and put
ourselves through the *hoops* they put up or
we put up for ourselves. Very often relief
can be found in separating the feelings of
love from the expectations we have of our
children which we often tie to the emotion
and relationship of loving and feeling love.
You can love your children and allow them
to fall down. Think back to the time when they
were learning to crawl. They crawled backward
first and would so often cry in frustration.
Still, we instinctively knew then, that in
order to walk, they had to learn themselves
the steps to take to move forward in their
lives. As adults, we seem to lose this instinct
and are more willing to sacrifice and *spoil*
the child by enabling them in ways which may
not be appropriate or optimal for encouraging
the child to walk forward on their own. In our
own fear, for them, we can become blind to the
reality that we cannot always protect them from
the world or themselves, anymore than we can
always protect ourselves.

I have found too that my daughter, as I assume
yours too, have become profoundly adept at playing
your heartstrings. Often it is beautiful music and
the moments feel like heaven on earth. Other times
it is more akin to hell. These are times that call
for the greatest inner strength. Also the willingness
to win, but also the willingness to lose or let go
in hope that the call of love will be heard through
the call of the wild.

My own daughter, while I was going through the
process of coming apart with her father, was angry
and her heartsong to me was like Heavy Metal music,
anger, everything that wounds a Mama's heart. One
night as I was walking her to her car and she was
really amping up her justification on how I was
ruining her life, I pulled her to me and with
both my arms holding her tight, I whispered
in her ear, "would you love me if I divorced your
daddy?"...she began to weep and I began to weep,
and in that moment, the healing began.

Focus in on treating YOU good and let those
feelings support you for awhile. Time to get
out those essential oils or splurge on that
3 buck bouquet of flowers you see by the side
of your grocery checkout line~~



I pray for you, that your healing will come.

Hang tough~~

blessings,
Zoe

-_-
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