Re: Anyone want to get this board started again?

Antripody, Fsnaturelady,

It IS a puzzlement, isn't it?

Our parents seem helpless, maybe up against difficult problems, and needing us...yet I wonder if some of it isn't designed to get our help, support, and attention.

Throw in a few life curves, a couple of 'agendas', a lot of adamant, and you are describing MY parents.

We've spent the last 20 years offering to take care of them, if they would move next door to us, instead of 40 minutes down the highway, each way.

They've moved at least 6 times during the last 30 years, never near to us. Plus they've even done the 'snowbird' thing, with a winter home in the south, and been through three other ideas in the forms of a big motorhome, a 'retirement' home apartment, and moving my brother and his wife into a mobile with them. None of those worked for very long.

Dad is 97, mom is 85, my husband is 82. I am 68...all bets are off. We have done all we can do; we have offered all we can...and been refused at every turn. Whatever they choose, they choose. Whatever happens, happens.

If I had it to do again...I'd set the ground rules in advance.

Not 'tough love', because I've seen only heartache come from that, but simply the basic limits of what we'll do and what we won't. And what we expect them to do for themselves.

Most of all, we would get them to write out exactly what they want done if certain circumstances happen...a plan.

I think I'd also make it plain that I won't discuss health care, because we'd have to be on the same wave length for that to be comfortable to everyone. Nothing hurts me more than to see my parents make a half-hearted attempt to do what I think is healthful, and run to the doctor every week. You see, they think of my suggestions as 'pills', I have discovered.

Then I'd make sure that they involve themselves in productive pursuits that they love. This might be difficult, I know, but may be attractive because it would be things that they have always wanted to do.

When I think of all the energy, and true caring we've put into supporting and encouraging my folks, and their manipulations to get their own way, to be 'in control' of their own lives...well, it's almost humorous.

They didn't know they were being manipulative, of course. They were just doing what 'they wanted', not realizing that they were imposing on the goodwill of their children.

These things need to be said, and planned for, up front...while they are still clear-headed, and while the younger people have the energy to invest.

Then we wouldn't have to play these heart-breaking games.

That's how I feel this evening, anyway.

fledgling

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