Well, Beth,

I'm not over here much, but thought I'd drop in today. As you say, the board probably helps to vent.

My Dad passed 6 years ago and he made all the decisions -- partly, I now see, because my Mum doesn't make any decisions. None of us know the early history of our parents and how they worked out their relationships. I always thought that my problem was with my Dad, but I fixed that with an interesting energy process when I was 40. So, when he passed, I then discovered that I had a problem with my Mum -- she does not know how to live outside her home or without my Dad. She 'goes along'. I am much more independent, read a lot and now have a much different view of the world than did my parents.

One brother lives out West and calls her every week but can't do that much -- he is the one who is most like her. He comes in every other year and Mum tries to get out there every other year, but travelling is now a bit daunting for her on her own. My other brother and I are in the same area; when I lived in the same town, I was over there every day or every other day for a cup of tea and a chat, but since we moved out of town and I am now very involved in my husband's business, I see her just once a week to do her groceries, have lunch and do some other shopping if she wants. If there is something special -- such as the Spring flower-shopping or a special outfit which she wants to track down, then I'll go up again. I call her every day for a chat -- she RARELY calls me -- she does not want to disturb any of us by calling -- I tell her that's what answering machines are for, so that we don't miss her calls. My brother drops in for a half-hour on two evenings and takes her to lunch on Saturdays -- he handles ALL of her money and gives her her grocery money, etc. We would like her to handle her own money so that she knows what she has, etc., but she will not and we are not going to change her. My brother is highly ethical so there is no problem about her money being managed correctly. However, I find that she thinks 'poor' which drives me crazy -- she is not wealthy but she is very comfortable and could do whatever she would like to do; she lives very modestly.

She is now 87 and will be 88 in January and is very spry. I have worked fairly diligently to assist her with severe pain that she had been having for several years -- all through her body. Naturally, I am on Curezone and she is on pills!! My ideas are way out for my family, so it gets exhausting to try to help someone who really only wants a pill put in front of them and if it does not work immediately, then it is no good -- or she may make the decision NOT to take the pill because she has read about the side effects, etc. But, she should have read them years ago!! Anyhoo, I have had her to various natural healers and have had some success but it takes a long time going the natural way and she then starts to tell me that wants to leave us some money and she will stop going!! So, then I realized that this woman has very low self-esteem and I am telling her to spend all of her money on herself if that is what it would take to help herself! It's uphill all the way.

Finally, I took her to a Chiropractor who uses the tapping instrument rather than cracking the body and he has had some success with her; but, when he looked at the x-rays, he advised a bone-density test, etc. Well, the doc that my parents went to for 30 years has never taken care of her as she got older (assessments, etc.), but managed to give her gazillions of prescriptions for Tylenol 3 which she took for over 20 years -- the natural healers were amazed that she had any liver left.

We finally found another doctor (hard to find up here) and he's not bad for a medico -- had some tests done and then got her started on the osteoporosis kit -- first pill she took, her painful hip pain disappeared! No one understands that. Was there some psychological aspect to the pain? Who knows! I DO know that my Mum finds that the world has 'gone to Hell in a handbasket', that almost nothing is positive and she tells me all the tragedies that are on the news! When it gets to this, I tell her to shut off the TV -- I do not watch the news and I do not want to be depressed since there is very little that I can do for someone on the other side of the world. If I can help those in my own world, then I can accomplish something for that little corner of the world.

This is long, but what the hey! Since my Mum more or less served my Dad -- kept a lovely home and good meals, she now wants to cross over also. It must be very difficult for her, but I believe that when one is still here, there is something left to finish, that one must keep living. However, my Mum does not drive and won't take a taxi -- afraid of being assaulted. She is not a joiner and is not interested in self-help books -- nothing other than romance. She does follow current events and is pretty good, but gets the facts and details mixed up sometimes. So, by not having friends outside her marriage, she is now very lonely. I find her to be extremely judgmental -- she criticizes others (not to their face) for their actions, but she herself has never had to go outside her home to work and so really does not realize the challenges which people must meet. It is quite astounding to me! Her neighbours keep an eye on her since she is still in her own home and will be to the end. My brother keeps up the repairs on the house. She is angry with my brother's wife who has numerous problems of her own, but I point out that her darling boy made that choice and he has learned to live with it, so she should just be kind to the woman and forget all the might-have-beens!

I had encouraged her to get a little bird -- too much work -- we never had any pets and I don't think that she realizes how much companionship a pet gives -- just to have that living energy in the house is great -- she could chat to it and teach it to speak, but that won't be happening. She gardens, but hates the squirrels and would like to annihilate them, I believe. She uses Roundup, whereas I am a natural gardener and use no killers in my yard and we welcome all the birds, squirrels and bunnies; in fact, we cut around tufts of clover so that the bunny has some food in the garden. Quite the opposite, eh?!

So, she is now probably in the best shape that she has been in since my Dad passed. A psychic told her that she would live to be 90. When we are out shopping, she suddenly announces that to the clerk (who has not a clue what she can say to that!) and says that she only wants to go to my Dad. When she says that too much to me, I tell her to go out into the garden and let a mosquito bite her!! :) She does NOT go into her garden in the evening, just in case a mosquito DOES bite here -- I try to tell her that not EVERY mosquito carries the West Nile Virus. I never realized how much she lives her life in fear. She says that if she had a gun, she would shoot herself on her bad days, but that won't be happening. Since she has no philosophy of the Afterlife, it would be a scary prospect for her to actually leave the Earth. It's just talk. The psychic had told her that she would live in her house to the end and would be in the kitchen one minute, then go to bed and that would be it. But, I'll tell you, I have one little worry here. My Mum is terrified of fire -- won't light candles, etc. BUT a couple of weeks ago, she told me that she had put her supper on -- in a frypan and had gone through to her bedroom (the TV is there) and had fallen asleep for a couple of minutes. Then, she found her food burning! So, I am wondering if the psychic saw that she was in the kitchen, then in the bedroom -- but what actually follows? That is unnerving, because we usually have to meet that which causes us to be afraid! If I hear of this again, then I will have to speak to my brother to see if there is an alternative. There would be NO people moving in, I can assure you. Even if I had the space, I don't think that Mum would come here. She is so tied to the idea of living out her life in the house that she and Dad built that I doubt she would move. I'm not sure that I could take the negativity. I have tackled the subject, because I think that if she were in a seniors' complex she would have the socializing which makes life worth living. No luck there.

And, the weather!! Good grief! One would think that Mum was actually going out in it -- but she does not have to leave her home; however, she lives and breathes what the less-than-accurate weatherman says. It colours her whole life and is most annoying to hear.

There's my life with Mum. Not so difficult as a lot of folks. Unless people are flexible with issues throughout their life, then they will just be quite rigid as they get older. But, these are life lessons -- keeping an open mind, flexible mind, reading, doing puzzles or studying, being kind to others, especially those in one's own family!

If something looks particularly sticky, I just lay it out quite plainly and frankly and I don't mince words so that Mum cannot interpret the information in any other way. When we are shopping, I see that half her cart is packaged containers of fruit desserts, cookies, corn syrup (!), etc. Some weeks she does buy a decent selection of fruit; others not. Some weeks, she buys a lot of those pasta preparations, etc. It is pointless for me to point out that packaged foods are not so good as fresh, so I don't bother. I do point out that she does not seem to have much food in the cart, but assures me that there is food in the freezer -- to which I tell her to be sure to throw out the old stuff -- she says that she does, but I should look in the freezer (except that she would get annoyed with me and, at the end of the day, I don't want to hear it). I'll ask my brother who is coming in from West in a couple of weeks to check the freezer -- she'll tolerate his doing that.

I find that she is childish on certain things and my favourite -- she's now farting when we are out shoppijng. I have a particular issue with this (I'm a Virgo!) so would appreciate her not doing this. I have said nothing but we were in a card shop one day when she suddenly put her hand down her pants because she had 'let go' and more had come out than gas!! Well, we got her to the washroom, she took off her panties -- and was going to go shopping with no underwear! I had visions of unpleasant things! I said NO and we bought her new panties and she fixed herself up and we were ready again. This type of thing is not my forte!

So, there you go -- life goes one. If one's parent is particularly difficult, I feel I would be quite blunt about their being unplasant and difficult to work with -- that others have feelings and have good intentions. They should work with their children in trying to reach a solution or else the kids have a right to tell them straight out that they are just miserable. That might be a shock but might wake them up.

Another factor to look at is the water! The site http://www.watercure2.com talks about the dehydration -- this would certainly be a factor in older people and it seems to be a problem for almost every single one of us. Read that up and see the very many testimonials where rehydrating made a huge difference to the lives of people. Such a simple thing, but such a difficult thing to institute because it takes some effort, it means taking responsibility for one's own health rather than being taken care of. It means that the person would have to wake up and start thinking about what they are doing! Just because one is older does not mean that they should have their whole life taken care of. They need to participate or else leave. They are not pets, they are people. I am speaking of someone who is quite capable of participating, not a bedridden individual. Tough love!! :)

My Dad had a great brain -- he taught himself to type when he was 65, retired two years later, took a journalism course, wrote for the local paper, studied chess in depth, participated in chess tournaments; he had a better memory than I did and he thought that mine was great. My Mum, on the other hand, reads only romance novels, the paper once in a while, never studies anything and loves to be taken care of. She does, however, still bowl -- she was going to stop this year, but a friend browbeat her so she is still going. It gets her out and she has a fun visit with the other people.

I keep my brain busy with lots of reading and studying and am trying to improve our dietary habits (this has been quite a challenge this year!) and keep us healthy so that we can enjoy those later years.

Sorry about the long epistle; let's hear some other stories.

Kindest thoughts.

fsnaturelady

Antripody, Fsnaturelady,

It IS a puzzlement, isn't it?

Our parents seem helpless, maybe up against difficult problems, and needing us...yet I wonder if some of it isn't designed to get our help, support, and attention.

Throw in a few life curves, a couple of 'agendas', a lot of adamant, and you are describing MY parents.

We've spent the last 20 years offering to take care of them, if they would move next door to us, instead of 40 minutes down the highway, each way.

They've moved at least 6 times during the last 30 years, never near to us. Plus they've even done the 'snowbird' thing, with a winter home in the south, and been through three other ideas in the forms of a big motorhome, a 'retirement' home apartment, and moving my brother and his wife into a mobile with them. None of those worked for very long.

Dad is 97, mom is 85, my husband is 82. I am 68...all bets are off. We have done all we can do; we have offered all we can...and been refused at every turn. Whatever they choose, they choose. Whatever happens, happens.

If I had it to do again...I'd set the ground rules in advance.

Not 'tough love', because I've seen only heartache come from that, but simply the basic limits of what we'll do and what we won't. And what we expect them to do for themselves.

Most of all, we would get them to write out exactly what they want done if certain circumstances happen...a plan.

I think I'd also make it plain that I won't discuss health care, because we'd have to be on the same wave length for that to be comfortable to everyone. Nothing hurts me more than to see my parents make a half-hearted attempt to do what I think is healthful, and run to the doctor every week. You see, they think of my suggestions as 'pills', I have discovered.

Then I'd make sure that they involve themselves in productive pursuits that they love. This might be difficult, I know, but may be attractive because it would be things that they have always wanted to do.

When I think of all the energy, and true caring we've put into supporting and encouraging my folks, and their manipulations to get their own way, to be 'in control' of their own lives...well, it's almost humorous.

They didn't know they were being manipulative, of course. They were just doing what 'they wanted', not realizing that they were imposing on the goodwill of their children.

These things need to be said, and planned for, up front...while they are still clear-headed, and while the younger people have the energy to invest.

Then we wouldn't have to play these heart-breaking games.

That's how I feel this evening, anyway.

fledgling

I just re-read your post, and thought I saw some basic points we might consider. I also noticed some changes in my own situation that might be clues to what will happen in my parents' future and everyone's.

Each and every one of us gets to prepare ourselves for the years at the end of our lives, when we have less and less ability to care for ourselves and our homes...and fewer and fewer opportunities to choose.

Unprepared, in all or only some areas, we are then subjected to the care systems established by whoever is on the job in our community at the time.

Period.

In some communities, anyone, a neighbor or a family member may alert home care services to the neediness of a senior, and immediately their representative will gain access to the home, to do an assessment.

That assessment sticks. No matter how many avenues of arbitration come into play, the senior person MUST do what 'the system' decides.

If 'the system' decides the senior MUST have some kind of in-home care and assistance, that's what they get...like it or not.

Fortunately, they usually end up liking the care and assistance that they get. However, they may not. Still, they must accept it, because they haven't made definite provision for another alternative. Once the senior is deemed to be 'a person in need' there is very little that will get them out of 'the system', short of a court case. Even then, there must be compelling alternatives for the senior to 'win'.

Even their finances in the hands of an 'ethical' family member, may not deter their estate falling into the control of the Public Trustee.

If we, in our younger years, have not established specific (and even legal) controls clearly indicating viable preferences, we WILL find ourselves bowing to the 'accepted norms' in our communities. And, everyone who loves us MUST comply, too.

That's how it is.

You and I have taken the gentle route in caring for our seniors, offering alternatives to them that they may accept, or may not, or they/we may negotiate for acceptable compromises.

Still, smoke pouring out of their kitchen window, or newspapers piling up on the front step, or a little walk in their housecoat, WILL raise the question of competence, and trigger 'the system'.

Actually, this is going on throughout our lives.

Those who have responsibility for others are making choices all the time that determine the future of those in our care...as well as our own.

Another thing that we face is the level of understanding of our seniors. (As well as our own!)

In my family, several things are affecting the sight, hearing, memory, and competence of our seniors...including 'selective preferences' and 'adamantcy' (to coin a word).

For example, they have 'selective hearing'. For another, there are certain points they chose long ago we will NOT alter (they won't let us), no matter that they exhibit 'reasonableness' all the while, so that no one will have the opportunity to suggest differently.

But, watch all that bite the dust once they become wards of 'the system'.

What it comes down to is..."How secure, and comprehensive, are the alternatives they have chosen?"

One thing for sure, should any part of their chosen plan/hopes fail, the money/assets will go flying...and it will land in the hands of the organization with the most clout.

And it will be an organization, not an individual, make no mistake about that. Few individuals have the experience and safeguards in place to obtain the estates of their seniors, even for the care of those same seniors.

Organizations do, even seemingly benevolent organizations.

This is the raw reality. This is the reason we must insist that our seniors, and ourselves, prepare for final years, while they/we have the sense to see which end is up.

There are, however, ways to break the news to them gently, even with happiness.

Whatever way we choose to say it, in sensible human relations there is a thing called 'negotiation', where everyone 'wins'.

Beg, borrow, or steal, copies of two books...

..."Win-Win Negotiations" (I think it is called), and,

..."How to Make a Man Fall in Love With You," by Tracy Cabot. (Don't be put off by the title, it is about very practical ways to communicate with everyone.)

There are probably other very good books out there, but these are the best I have ever read. And they have both been around for a long time. Tried and true.

Get them from your library, first, if you want to check their worth.

But, please, please read them, as soon as you can.

If you need some direction in 'quality of life', there is another book you can read for free.
http://www.wishcraft.com

Read it, and do the simple exercises. You will never regret the experience.


Beyond these books, look at the choices you made, or are making, for everyone you care about, including yourself.

No one is ever 'to blame'...'blaming' is a futile and counter-productive activity, solving nothing. We ALWAYS do the best we can, according to what we know so far. Best to educate ourselves further, and do better, as soon as we can.

There is also very good reason to give up, sometimes. Some stones can't be moved. Or, can't be moved by us. Best for everyone to quit trying, in some way, kindly...I think.

My best,

Fledgling