Re: Anyone want to get this board started again?

Well, Beth,

I'm not over here much, but thought I'd drop in today. As you say, the board probably helps to vent.

My Dad passed 6 years ago and he made all the decisions -- partly, I now see, because my Mum doesn't make any decisions. None of us know the early history of our parents and how they worked out their relationships. I always thought that my problem was with my Dad, but I fixed that with an interesting energy process when I was 40. So, when he passed, I then discovered that I had a problem with my Mum -- she does not know how to live outside her home or without my Dad. She 'goes along'. I am much more independent, read a lot and now have a much different view of the world than did my parents.

One brother lives out West and calls her every week but can't do that much -- he is the one who is most like her. He comes in every other year and Mum tries to get out there every other year, but travelling is now a bit daunting for her on her own. My other brother and I are in the same area; when I lived in the same town, I was over there every day or every other day for a cup of tea and a chat, but since we moved out of town and I am now very involved in my husband's business, I see her just once a week to do her groceries, have lunch and do some other shopping if she wants. If there is something special -- such as the Spring flower-shopping or a special outfit which she wants to track down, then I'll go up again. I call her every day for a chat -- she RARELY calls me -- she does not want to disturb any of us by calling -- I tell her that's what answering machines are for, so that we don't miss her calls. My brother drops in for a half-hour on two evenings and takes her to lunch on Saturdays -- he handles ALL of her money and gives her her grocery money, etc. We would like her to handle her own money so that she knows what she has, etc., but she will not and we are not going to change her. My brother is highly ethical so there is no problem about her money being managed correctly. However, I find that she thinks 'poor' which drives me crazy -- she is not wealthy but she is very comfortable and could do whatever she would like to do; she lives very modestly.

She is now 87 and will be 88 in January and is very spry. I have worked fairly diligently to assist her with severe pain that she had been having for several years -- all through her body. Naturally, I am on Curezone and she is on pills!! My ideas are way out for my family, so it gets exhausting to try to help someone who really only wants a pill put in front of them and if it does not work immediately, then it is no good -- or she may make the decision NOT to take the pill because she has read about the side effects, etc. But, she should have read them years ago!! Anyhoo, I have had her to various natural healers and have had some success but it takes a long time going the natural way and she then starts to tell me that wants to leave us some money and she will stop going!! So, then I realized that this woman has very low self-esteem and I am telling her to spend all of her money on herself if that is what it would take to help herself! It's uphill all the way.

Finally, I took her to a Chiropractor who uses the tapping instrument rather than cracking the body and he has had some success with her; but, when he looked at the x-rays, he advised a bone-density test, etc. Well, the doc that my parents went to for 30 years has never taken care of her as she got older (assessments, etc.), but managed to give her gazillions of prescriptions for Tylenol 3 which she took for over 20 years -- the natural healers were amazed that she had any liver left.

We finally found another doctor (hard to find up here) and he's not bad for a medico -- had some tests done and then got her started on the osteoporosis kit -- first pill she took, her painful hip pain disappeared! No one understands that. Was there some psychological aspect to the pain? Who knows! I DO know that my Mum finds that the world has 'gone to Hell in a handbasket', that almost nothing is positive and she tells me all the tragedies that are on the news! When it gets to this, I tell her to shut off the TV -- I do not watch the news and I do not want to be depressed since there is very little that I can do for someone on the other side of the world. If I can help those in my own world, then I can accomplish something for that little corner of the world.

This is long, but what the hey! Since my Mum more or less served my Dad -- kept a lovely home and good meals, she now wants to cross over also. It must be very difficult for her, but I believe that when one is still here, there is something left to finish, that one must keep living. However, my Mum does not drive and won't take a taxi -- afraid of being assaulted. She is not a joiner and is not interested in self-help books -- nothing other than romance. She does follow current events and is pretty good, but gets the facts and details mixed up sometimes. So, by not having friends outside her marriage, she is now very lonely. I find her to be extremely judgmental -- she criticizes others (not to their face) for their actions, but she herself has never had to go outside her home to work and so really does not realize the challenges which people must meet. It is quite astounding to me! Her neighbours keep an eye on her since she is still in her own home and will be to the end. My brother keeps up the repairs on the house. She is angry with my brother's wife who has numerous problems of her own, but I point out that her darling boy made that choice and he has learned to live with it, so she should just be kind to the woman and forget all the might-have-beens!

I had encouraged her to get a little bird -- too much work -- we never had any pets and I don't think that she realizes how much companionship a pet gives -- just to have that living energy in the house is great -- she could chat to it and teach it to speak, but that won't be happening. She gardens, but hates the squirrels and would like to annihilate them, I believe. She uses Roundup, whereas I am a natural gardener and use no killers in my yard and we welcome all the birds, squirrels and bunnies; in fact, we cut around tufts of clover so that the bunny has some food in the garden. Quite the opposite, eh?!

So, she is now probably in the best shape that she has been in since my Dad passed. A psychic told her that she would live to be 90. When we are out shopping, she suddenly announces that to the clerk (who has not a clue what she can say to that!) and says that she only wants to go to my Dad. When she says that too much to me, I tell her to go out into the garden and let a mosquito bite her!! :) She does NOT go into her garden in the evening, just in case a mosquito DOES bite here -- I try to tell her that not EVERY mosquito carries the West Nile Virus. I never realized how much she lives her life in fear. She says that if she had a gun, she would shoot herself on her bad days, but that won't be happening. Since she has no philosophy of the Afterlife, it would be a scary prospect for her to actually leave the Earth. It's just talk. The psychic had told her that she would live in her house to the end and would be in the kitchen one minute, then go to bed and that would be it. But, I'll tell you, I have one little worry here. My Mum is terrified of fire -- won't light candles, etc. BUT a couple of weeks ago, she told me that she had put her supper on -- in a frypan and had gone through to her bedroom (the TV is there) and had fallen asleep for a couple of minutes. Then, she found her food burning! So, I am wondering if the psychic saw that she was in the kitchen, then in the bedroom -- but what actually follows? That is unnerving, because we usually have to meet that which causes us to be afraid! If I hear of this again, then I will have to speak to my brother to see if there is an alternative. There would be NO people moving in, I can assure you. Even if I had the space, I don't think that Mum would come here. She is so tied to the idea of living out her life in the house that she and Dad built that I doubt she would move. I'm not sure that I could take the negativity. I have tackled the subject, because I think that if she were in a seniors' complex she would have the socializing which makes life worth living. No luck there.

And, the weather!! Good grief! One would think that Mum was actually going out in it -- but she does not have to leave her home; however, she lives and breathes what the less-than-accurate weatherman says. It colours her whole life and is most annoying to hear.

There's my life with Mum. Not so difficult as a lot of folks. Unless people are flexible with issues throughout their life, then they will just be quite rigid as they get older. But, these are life lessons -- keeping an open mind, flexible mind, reading, doing puzzles or studying, being kind to others, especially those in one's own family!

If something looks particularly sticky, I just lay it out quite plainly and frankly and I don't mince words so that Mum cannot interpret the information in any other way. When we are shopping, I see that half her cart is packaged containers of fruit desserts, cookies, corn syrup (!), etc. Some weeks she does buy a decent selection of fruit; others not. Some weeks, she buys a lot of those pasta preparations, etc. It is pointless for me to point out that packaged foods are not so good as fresh, so I don't bother. I do point out that she does not seem to have much food in the cart, but assures me that there is food in the freezer -- to which I tell her to be sure to throw out the old stuff -- she says that she does, but I should look in the freezer (except that she would get annoyed with me and, at the end of the day, I don't want to hear it). I'll ask my brother who is coming in from West in a couple of weeks to check the freezer -- she'll tolerate his doing that.

I find that she is childish on certain things and my favourite -- she's now farting when we are out shoppijng. I have a particular issue with this (I'm a Virgo!) so would appreciate her not doing this. I have said nothing but we were in a card shop one day when she suddenly put her hand down her pants because she had 'let go' and more had come out than gas!! Well, we got her to the washroom, she took off her panties -- and was going to go shopping with no underwear! I had visions of unpleasant things! I said NO and we bought her new panties and she fixed herself up and we were ready again. This type of thing is not my forte!

So, there you go -- life goes one. If one's parent is particularly difficult, I feel I would be quite blunt about their being unplasant and difficult to work with -- that others have feelings and have good intentions. They should work with their children in trying to reach a solution or else the kids have a right to tell them straight out that they are just miserable. That might be a shock but might wake them up.

Another factor to look at is the water! The site http://www.watercure2.com talks about the dehydration -- this would certainly be a factor in older people and it seems to be a problem for almost every single one of us. Read that up and see the very many testimonials where rehydrating made a huge difference to the lives of people. Such a simple thing, but such a difficult thing to institute because it takes some effort, it means taking responsibility for one's own health rather than being taken care of. It means that the person would have to wake up and start thinking about what they are doing! Just because one is older does not mean that they should have their whole life taken care of. They need to participate or else leave. They are not pets, they are people. I am speaking of someone who is quite capable of participating, not a bedridden individual. Tough love!! :)

My Dad had a great brain -- he taught himself to type when he was 65, retired two years later, took a journalism course, wrote for the local paper, studied chess in depth, participated in chess tournaments; he had a better memory than I did and he thought that mine was great. My Mum, on the other hand, reads only romance novels, the paper once in a while, never studies anything and loves to be taken care of. She does, however, still bowl -- she was going to stop this year, but a friend browbeat her so she is still going. It gets her out and she has a fun visit with the other people.

I keep my brain busy with lots of reading and studying and am trying to improve our dietary habits (this has been quite a challenge this year!) and keep us healthy so that we can enjoy those later years.

Sorry about the long epistle; let's hear some other stories.

Kindest thoughts.

fsnaturelady






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